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Every so often, I get an e-mailwith some form of internet myth or copypasta that contains what I like to call an “Internet Myth”- that is, a commonly held concept on internet forums and chatrooms that seems to be taken as “fact”. Of course, most of these are anything BUT fact- they are usually fiction, if that at all. With that being said, allow me to get rid of some common myths- and try to inject some reality in the process.

Myth 1: No girls will like you, you are a geek.

Truth: Yes, if you are too geeky, you will repel girls. But in moderation, the right girls will not mind.

This is probably the most common: if you are a geek (be you a gamer, anime fan, or whatever the hell, depending on the forum), you immediately are a social pariah. You will have poor social skills, girls will scorn at you behind your back, and they will always stand you up when you talk to them. They will be able to “smell” the geek on you- and they will ostracize you because of it.

The truth is actually different for two reasons, but like any myth, there is some truth embedded in the fear. Fundamentally, if you are a “super geek” (that is to say, if you basically live and breathe some sort of nerdy passion, such as LARPing or something like that), you will indeed have a hard time finding women- if only because you will not come into contact with them often, and thus you may develop some social anxiety issues. This hits you in two ways, really- not only are the women less available (well, except for your typical wannabe-queen crazies who hang around geeks to feel “special” and be “the girl”), but because these women are unavailable, you tend to develop awkward concepts of dating, social interaction, and generally screw up socially.

The second aspect of this myth is that “all girls” will hate you, which is a massive lie- it all depends on the girls you are using to develop this grandiose assumption. Typically, these kinds of posts will hurt because it will remind the reader about being ignored on an attempt to date a specific girl (a current or past crush) and it will dig in like a knife- thus providing the effect desired.

The truth to all of this? Yes, if you do hole yourself up and do nothing but play video games all day, you will have an issue finding women. Your hygeine and ability to socialize in modern society may deteriorate. However, this does not mean you are lost- in reality, if you moderate your habits (key word: moderate), you will be as attractive as anyone else.

Another bigger issue is that of your “sample” for your decision- that is, that most guys who make decisions like “All girls hate me” usually do so because of one or two specific examples, which is ridiculous (and painfully unscientific). When I get e-mails along these lines, they usually reduce to this issue in one form or another, usually something like this:

• Searching far outside of your social group. A nerdy, geeky guy will probably have a hard time dating “the cheerleader”. It’s not impossible, but if he constantly compares himself far outside of his social group, he will screw up.
• Searching for the impossible or the unlikely. If all of the girls you look for are married or currently dating, you will not fare well. It just doesn’t work that way.
• Searching for the nonexistent. “No 3D girls understand me” is a common variant on this. You will not be able to date if you constantly look for the physical incarnation of some moeblob from Clannad or something like that.

And that’s about it. The key lesson from this myth is simple: every hobby should be in moderation (even guys into “normal” stuff like sports can go overboard) and you should always keep reality in your crushes- because there’s no reason you should make ridiculous determinations like “all women hate me” when you use one or two samples of girls who don’t even exist.

Myth 2: The best way to get a girlfriend/get laid is _____

Truth: There is no surefire algorithmic way.

This myth is just ridiculous for a huge number of reasons.

First and foremost, all girls are different just like all guys are different- this is obvious. There is no easy formula to get a girlfriend- while you can generally make yourself the best person you can and do things in order to facilitate getting one, there is no algorithm that equals girlfriend. Some girls translate certain actions (such as holding doors) in one way, others translate it a different way- and that applies to virtually everything you can do. Dating books/guides can only (pitifully) attempt to prepare you to pick up specific types of women- not always the kinds you want.

There is no best way to “get” a girlfriend- it’s always different depending on the girl. No, wearing a certain kind of cologne, going to a certain restaurant, or driving a certain car will not mean instant-girlfriend. Sure, doing well at a date will be better results-wise- but nothing will be a sure-fire way. Sorry to shoot down your plane.

Myth 3: Everyone is having sex but you.

Truth: Very few people are like you may think. Many are going completely without.

You can thank popular culture for this one, but the Internet has done nothing but expontentially exploded this rumor.

Okay, let’s get this straight: everyone is not having sex. Many couples do not have sex today and operate just fine. Many college students are not having sex- even if they may say they are doing so. Sure, there may be those who go out and party and screw themselves- but that’s a separate group. Even those who you might presume are heavily sexually active may be complete virgins- you are not guaranteed a thing.

This is not a bad thing. Our insanely strict Western Judeo-Christian roots aside, sex is not something you absolutely need- the media tells you so erroneously. You do not “need” sex. You do not have to have it by a specific time. Just because you hold off now does not mean you will become a “40 year old virgin”. In fact, many couples who hold off for sex until marriage (or just don’t go overboard with it quickly) have better relationships, because they built up a solid relationship outside of physical contact and used that as a medium later, not immediately.

This is generally the reason why worrying about the “common male worries” (penis size, potency, etc etc) is ridiculous. You are not expected to be a pornstar in your lifetime.

Stop being a sheep when it comes to issues like this- a lot of the reason most guys assume this is such a big deal is because the media (predominantly movies and music, but other forms as well) stresses it so much. TV shows and movies constantly reinforce the concept that sex is something everyone is having- and it’s always sexy, awesome, and, according to most hyper-sterilized movies, all of about two seconds of choreographed naked grunting. It’s not that, and it’s not necessary. Relax.

Myth 4: You are ugly, everyone else is beautiful.

Truth: Everyone is pretty normal.

One would think the existence of Photoshop would help people understand the falsehood of most photos online.

Sure, there are people in the world who are ridiculously good looking- but those are few and far between. In reality, most people are remarkably normal (thus reinforcing the term normal)- and chances are, you are normal too. You are not ugly, but neither are you model-like. Hell, even models aren’t model-like- if you take a look at any normal model shots (say, undoctored shots from runway shows), actual tangible beauty isn’t a major player anymore.

Yes, magazines such as Men’s Health doctor their photos. Everyone does in that business. Girls obsess over this stuff, and statistics are showing that men are beginning to do so as well- but in most cases, it’s ridiculous. Remember- with a team of talented photoshoppers, cameramen, and lighting professionals, you could look awesome too. It’s all about the money put into the project and the amount of effort put into making you look amazing. If you’ve seen photos of celebrities walking around without makeup on (like, on tabloid websites), you can see this in action.

And on this topic, ignore those who post themselves online in a bragging way. It’s just being harassing and ridiculous. They will grow old like everyone else.

In Closing: For myths I have not covered-

Stop believing what you read online.

Seriously. Stop taking everything for face value. Just because some forum online says that no women will like you does not justify you going overboard. Remember, this is the internet- home of crazies of all brands, who believe all sorts of strange crap. Are you really going to take advice from some anonymous idiots online?

Scrutinize everything you can. Test it for yourself. Don’t believe it on face value. Hell, don’t believe me instantly (I can be wrong often). Don’t stress out over past relationships and make jump decisions or otherwise try to change yourself drastically over small issues.

Just treat everything like politics- always assume there will be some truth, but not until you wade through a whole hell of a lot of bullshit.

Most of us have been turned down for one reason or another. Some of us mess things up, some of us shoot too high (or too low), some of us act like jerks. However, with the advent of the Internet and general dating discussion, many men are realizing a new reason for not getting the girl they want- a reason that has now been termed “The Friend Zone”.

The Friend Zone is best defined as a mental association for males in the female mind (or females in the male mind) where the relationship is entirely nonsexual. A guy who is in the “friend zone” is a guy who, for one reason or another, is categorized in the female mind as “just a friend”, ergo someone who is not a potential love interest, in any sense of the word. While this term really was considered folk psychology, it nonetheless became popular because Friends made it popular, which questions why a bunch of lonely guys were watching Friends. Nonetheless, many internet browsers (including many who e-mail me) complain about being “friend-zoned” quite frequently, asking me the same questions: why does it happen, and how can they get out of it?

Well, it’s time to clear the air and make what I will consider my ultimate guide on the friend zone. No more dilly-dallying. This should hopefully explain my thoughts and theories on the friend zone, as well as some general ideas on how to combat/accept the problem. Here we go.

As a disclaimer, the whole concept of “The Friend Zone” is speculative at best. No-one (myself included) has really sat down with a bunch of bearded Ivory Tower Sociologists and made this official fact. There have been no empirical scientific/sociological studies “proving” this that I know of.

How does the Friend Zone happen?

The Friend Zone, in my opinion, comes as the result of inconsistencies in four distinct areas: Social, Physical, Logical, and Personality. From what I have seen helping people (and in situations with myself), the reason your Average Joe is friend zoned is because of a flaw in one of these four traits, and the resulting processing most women do as a result of these inconsistencies. Translation? You can generally be friend zoned for one of four reasons:

1. Social Constraints
Social Constraints are issues which arise from the social scene. In the most extreme circumstances, it can be something religious- for example, many Jewish and Mormon girls friend zone guys because an attraction would not be socially acceptable. Similarly, many girls do not date outside of their social networks, or simply refuse to date based on generally uncontrollable circumstances. This tends to explain why many couples date within their own race. This also encompasses situations such as girls who have the reverse Florence Nightingale complex (I’ll explain below)- many have so many “guy friends” (or just enjoy being the “tomboy”) that they inadvertently friend-zone virtually every guy they meet.

2. Physical Constraints

This is a lot simpler than it sounds. Guys who are not attractive or otherwise have some sort of physical issue that turns off mates will naturally be friend zoned quickly. This generally explained why some “fat and happy” guys are extremely well known and social, yet generally single: despite being awesome personality-wise, their physical aspects lack, and thus the girl ignores the guy. This also sometimes applies to guys with handicaps, such as being in a wheelchair.

3. Logical Constraints

Despite what hit-it-and-quit-it wannabe date doctors will tell you, women are pretty damn logical. Often, logical constraints are things that play out because of circumstances generally beyond your control- for example, “We live across the U.S. and I don’t like long-distance relationships” or something like that.

4. Personality Constraints

This is the last, but by far the most common constraint: personality. Some girls like weak guys, some like strong ones- and while they may like one personality type for a friend (for example, a friend who is caring and compassionate), they may be mentally and/or sexually attracted to someone completely the opposite. Guys can easily make this worse by being clingy or needy, which tends to make the repulsion worse, rather than better.

So, we have a general schema: you can mess up in one of four ways. I’m sure there are more, but in general, they always tend to fall into one of the above four- no doubt, if you are friend zoned, at least one of those bullets at least casually applies to you.

One special exception to this is what I’ve somewhat arrogantly nicknamed the “Reverse Florence Nightingale Complex”, or what I sometimes term the “Tomboy Complex”. In this situation, a girl may have what those arrogant social scientists call Heterosociality- that is, preference for social interaction with one group- in this case, males. Girls like this tend to be pretty damn fun (lots of “Gamer Girls” are like this), but nonetheless carry the nasty attribute of being almost entirely nonsexual to their vast male friends, sending mixed messages. That, by all means, doesn’t mean they don’t date- it just means that their grandiose number of male friends prohibits them from being entirely willing to date. A lot of times, these girls have a steady boyfriend who they may or may not even like simply to avoid being single or feel slightly feminine.

How do you know you are Friend Zoned?

This is a bit complex. How do you figure out if you have been “friend-zoned”? There are plenty of good tests available online, but they all boil down into a few categories. While this is by no means a comprehensive list, these are a few common reasons:

1. She says it out straight

By far the most common: you may have confessed to her already or she’s already picked up on it. Many girls will tell you to your face- be it something kind like “I just see you as a friend” or something much more mean. In any circumstance, this is by far the easiest to figure out- and if she’s said it out straight, she’s had plenty of time to rationalize why, and you are in big damn trouble.

2. You occupy the unique position of being “The Girlfriend”

If you are going out on shopping trips and carrying the bags for her (proverbially or literally), this is a problem. The famous way of determining if you have been freind zoned is to simply examine how she interacts with you and other males- in no uncertain terms, if she’s talking to you about “boys” and complaining about her boyfriend, you are probably occupying this position. Despite common belief, a girl who is TOO relaxed around you (to the point of letting lose, like not bothering to dress nicely or wear makeup) tends to feel that she has little reason to obsess about how she looks to you, which is a common sign. Naturally, all girls are different and this may not apply, but it applies a lot more than most would like to admit.

3. If she simply shows little interest in you in social situations.

Probably the most stereotypical issue in highschool movies: the nice guy being ditched. For example, many guys will find that the girl who hangs around them the most suddenly disappears when they go to parties or go into social situations, the girl opting for a different crowd. This doesn’t have to be that dramatic- it can simply be her personality changing when someone comes around. As usual, this sometimes does not apply, but often this is a warning sign.

How to handle it- and get out of it.

Unfortunately, there is no magical answer on how to “get out” of the friend zone. While many guides attempt to sell you some CDs or guidebook, I’ll make it clear: if you’re REALLY stuck, no amount of dating magic will get you out. Unfortunately, the high chances are if you are lodged in too deep and you’ve been too blatant about your attempts to get out, your best option is to simply get the hell out. This isn’t a bad option (and often, it’s the best option for you personally), but here are some tips if you absolutely must have the girl of your dreams:

Get out.

I’ll make it blunt: stop being her pet poodle. If you are in the friend zone, make yourself as distant as possible and stay there. By all means, this doesn’t mean go emokid and cry and avoid her in an attempt to make it obvious: your job is to subtly make yourself too busy for her whims. Don’t hang around her. Go out and do things with other friends or alone. The best way to do this is NOT to just hang out alone (loners aren’t attractive)- rather, it’s to go out and find other friends. Keep yourself busy- she’ll want to fight to have you back (and stop thinking that you’re a guaranteed thing). That, of course, leads into…

Date other girls.

Girls are not dumb. Guys who cannot get regular dates are strange- while they may do it intentionally, vitually all of them are simply considered unworthy of attention. Sure, lusting after what your neighbor owns is technically a sin, but it’s one everyone falls into- and if the girl has any interest in you, it will help it. This actually helps you more than it helps her: more than anything, it will allow you to see other girls and potentially allow you to find other awesome girls (trust me, this helps more than anything, because even if the girl you want doesn’t want you, there are plenty of other girls in the world).

Break the effiminate trends you may develop.

Okay, personality is personality. But when your answer to her problems is a pint of Ice Cream and a Sex in the City marathon, you have a serious problem. Your masculinity should be enjoyed, not starved, so stop trying to appease her (or anyone else, for that matter) by weakening yourself for her enjoyment. If she begins to whine at you about a boyfriend, cut her short. Don’t grant unnecessary favors just to “make her happy” unless you do it with nothing expected: most of the time, subconsciously, you expect reward, which isn’t going to happen. That being said, if you have any clothing she bought you for you to wear (”cute shirts” or whatever apply), avoid wearing it incessantly. Make a point.

Move on.

The best advice? Move on. More than anything else, most guys obsessed with the friend zone are those unwilling to accept failure at getting a girl. Face it: she is one of billions. The best thing for you to do, both mentally and socially, is to simply move on and forget about her. Yes, this is hard and a kick to the balls, but this is by far the best option to take, bar none.

In Closing…

The thing is- the main point I’m trying to get across by writing this article- is that often, despite the situation, a lot of the situation resides with you. This isn’t something of an insult to you, rather, it’s simply a fact. The best thing I’ve always seen “work”, if anything at all, is for you to simply move on with your life. Chances are, if you are reading this for advice, you have someone in mind: and, as much as I hate to say it, that’s probably not the best thing in the world. Trying harder rarely works in situations like this, and often can come off as creepy, crude, perverted, or simply desperate.

Still, when you do handle the Friend Zone as a whole, the rule of thumb is to handle it discreetly. Sometimes, the best option is to simply ask the girl out- but rarely, if ever, should you have a “dramatic confession”. Even if you don’t intend to “move on”, generally your best starting point is to pull back and, much like a video game, give the relation a restart.

Anyway, hopefully this guide helps. As usual, if you have any questions for our team, use our contact form- we’re available for any questions on the subject both through that form and our forums- so feel free.