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Buried in the many news tabloid magazines at any given grocery store or department store is a little magazine called Cosmopolitan. A women’s interest magazine that makes Maxim look like The New Yorker, Cosmopolitan is the ultimate in trashy, low-brow reading, and its harebrained attempts at teaching women about sex and dating are so cringe-worthy that they make Double your Dating look academic. With no further ado, here are some direct quotes from Cosmopolitan (straight from their magazine, with links) that you wouldn’t believe women are believing.

The Horrors

Hand Symbols

Okay Sign – When a guy is happy with how things are going, he’ll often make this sign of approval without realizing it. For example, he may rest his hand on the table this way if he feels a date is going well.

Love Signal - Even if your guy hasn’t dropped those three little words yet, his fingers might have. When a man feels a strong connection, he’ll subconsciously create the love sign-language gesture while doing random things

For the former, he could just be picking his nails, or making the Japanese hand symbol for okane [money], as in “pay the bill yourself and stop looking at my hands”. For the latter, he could just be messing around, or trying to figure out if you’re into Star Trek. While there is some general validity to interpretations of the way someone physically behaves, no normal person runs around subconsciously making the “I love you” hand gesture (I had to look it up too) if they like someone. If applied logically, the “hands indicate the heart” supposition falls apart quickly. If he forms an “OK” sign with one hand and thrusts in the hole with the other hand, does that mean he wants to screw? If he forms a gun, does he want to kill you and/or rob a bank?

Guy Gallery: Decoding His Sleep and Sex Positions

Missionary – Men who prefer missionary tend to do things by the book, making them faithful, loving boyfriends who won’t let you down, says body-language expert Jan Hargrave. [...]

From Behind – You’ll always feel looked after by this confident, take-charge stud. Still, he can be standoffish at times. “In this position, you can’t make eye contact, so he won’t feel like he’s exposing himself emotionally,” Hargrave explains.

… or he could just have a fetish. Or, in the case of cowgirl, he could just be lazy or tired. There is some general validity to interpreting emotions in sexual positions (men generally connect certain positions to certain types of sex), but in all honesty, inferring someone’s entire personality based upon their favorite sex position is ridiculous. This article also goes on to explain the details of his position afterward — something that means very little, because typically the guy is too tired to care what position he sleeps in, just so long as you don’t crush his arm.

7 Sex Toys That Are Already in Your Bedroom

Bobby Pins - These seemingly innocent hair tools can give some serious pleasure to his ultra-sensitive nipples (and they work on you, too). [...] Then take his tingly sensations up a notch and use the bobby pins as mini-nipple clamps—since the area is already primed for action, the slight pinching will actually feel good and intensify his pleasure.

No. No. No. No. No.

Decode How He Handles His Drink

If he grips his long-neck loosely… Lightly encircling the top of his beer bottle with his thumb and index finger reveals that he’s confident. Not only does the relaxed gesture indicate he feels in control of the situation, but it’s also a bit of cocky posturing — it gives off the vibe that he’s too cool to be concerned with the risk of dropping his beer.

If he pushes the drink near you… Your guy will do this over dinner or at a bar when he’s feeling the urge to bond. Men subconsciously put their stuff in your space when they’re trying to get closer to you.

According to Cosmo, even the way men drink a beer matters. This comes as a surprise to me, as I have yet to determine what would be a normative way to drink a beer, except for possibly just chugging it immediately to avoid being analyzed by a Cosmopolitan-reading date. I’d need the buzz anyway.

First-Date Red Flags

“I never move this fast on the first date.” – Yeah, right! Truth be told: He can’t believe you’re letting him move that fast. “It’s the woman who dictates how far things go,” says Anthony, 23. “I’m always up for action, but I’ll play the prude card just so my date doesn’t think I’m a player.” Bottom line: If you hand a guy a piece of ass on a silver platter, he’s going to take it.

This was inevitable: a comment regarding men being basically sex fiends and taking anything they can get. This, of course, is complete and utter crap. Men turn down sex for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to actually taking a date seriously, not finding the date in question attractive, being hyper-careful about not being too assertive about sex, and simply not wanting sex. Reducing all men to a generalization like “they take sex when handed to them” is just as bad as saying something like “women belong in the kitchen”, and it belies an attempt on the author’s part to reduce men to a compartmentalized, controllable, and ultimately submissive role in male-female relations.

5 Annoying Things Guys Do on Facebook

They Hide Their Relationship Status - The beauty of Facebook is that we can instantly find out if a guy is available or off-limits. No 30-minute talk in a bar, trying to suss out if he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home. But if that info is kept a secret, we’re forced to look through and analyze his photos and wall posts to figure it out — which makes us feel like stalkers. Guys: If you’re single, do us both a favor and make that info public knowledge. And if you’re part of a twosome, own up to it. Especially when we’re one of the two.

They Block Their Photos - We can understand a guy wanting to keep certain people from viewing his pictures. But seeing as how we’re not his mom, boss, or pastor, it bugs us when we can’t see a dude’s photos. Here’s the thing: We always imagine the worst. So when we’re kept in the dark and can’t click through a guy’s albums, we imagine he’s blowing lines, hooking up with two girls at once, or running around naked at a party. Unfair, but true. He’s not saving his reputation by blocking his photos. In fact, not being able to click on them makes us think a little less of him.

I had to keep these in their full text to properly show how absolutely stupid these statements are. Spoiler: Facebook is a massive security risk, and a crappy social networking nightmare. There are very legitimate reasons other than hookers and blow to hide pictures and relationship information online — I personally hide information (or rather, simply do not post it) because I have absolutely no desire to have people I work with sift through images of my personal life. It’s much more efficient to ask anyway. If I or any other guy was doing blow and sleeping with lots of girls, do you really think we’d post pictures of it on Facebook?

What can we learn?

Here’s the moral story of bad Cosmo advice: much like men’s advice in books like Double your Dating and The Pickup Artist, women get bad advice too, and they act on it. The realm of sex columns and sex tabloids has been predominantly ruled by women, but this does not somehow grant them expertise in the field whatsoever. Veritable Carrie Bradshaw wannabe readers of Cosmopolitan are being taught a lot of really dumb, outright ridiculous ideas that give them wild misconceptions about the dating and sex world — and while some of the advice in Cosmopolitan seems perfectly innocuous and reasonable, a good portion of advice in Cosmo and similar magazines (not to mention similar blogs) is just pop psychology half-baked crap.

Thus, like I have always said, be careful what you read, advice-wise. It’s not hard to write articles giving wild advice about dating and sex — it’s a topic most people are interested in that few know enough about to really critique properly. Critique me. Critique other men’s interest magazines. Critique what girls read. Don’t ever just accept what you are told: critically evaluate it and challenge it before you adopt it as fact. Otherwise, you might do some equivalent of using a bobby pin to clip a guy’s nipples.

I can’t possibly show my friends your articles on how PUA books suck, they won’t read em. Can you give me just the cliffs notes version so they stop paying cash on classes?

I’ll try to keep this as humanly short as possible:

PUA books work for two reasons: they get you trying and they get you confident. The actual material in them is useless. PUA books, be they “Double your Dating”, “The Game”, or anything similar, all usually have advice that only works for clubs, and even then only rarely. What they are effective at doing is, in a nutshell, convincing you that you can pick up women so you go out and try a lot. Trying is 99% of the game, for the most part, especially since the books convince you failures are just learning experiences. You don’t need to have special lines, graphs, the ability to “peacock”, or any of that crap to get women. You are much better not deluding yourself, developing real confidence, and ignoring $300+/wk seminar classes designed to profit off of your insecurities.

My girlfriend really wants to do a sex tape together. I’m not up for it. Should I give in?

No. No no no no no no no no no.

If the internet has taught you anything, it should have taught you that sex tapes of anybody anywhere do not remain private, no matter how boring or un-sexy. Opening yourself up to potential ridicule (at minimum) is really, really stupid. I’m not entirely sure why she would want to make such a tape (blackmailing you? a misplaced desire for excitement?), but you need to put your foot down — that’s just a bad idea, period. That being said, if she’s looking for excitement or something different, try to provide it in another way. Just don’t do anything like that — no pictures, no videos, nothing.

I read in a textbook that women have a natural desire for muscular, strong, masculine men for sex. Is this true?

Yes, to a large degree. Sexual preference is also supposedly loosely correlated with their menstrual cycle, among other things. But in the larger picture, it doesn’t matter.

In modern times, things of this nature are pretty much unimportant. In my opinion (as more of a passive observer than a legitimate anthropologist/sociologist), sociocultural influences affect female sexual preference MUCH more than basic instinct. Certainly, instinctual desires do exist- and  girls do tend to prefer certain types of guys, particularly masculine ones, over others- but it’s really more of a vestigial drive, one that only briefly makes its presence known, and one that is overwhelmingly trumped by the forces of television, photographs of models, and childhood experiences. Just as much as women supposedly have a drive for hyper-muscular hunter-types, men supposedly have a desire for slightly chubby wide-hipped women who can easily give birth to children- and we know that’s really not a universal truth (Christina Hendricks notwithstanding). Also, there are plenty of interesting studies indicating that men and women have a drive to find partners who are not of the same race as they (or at least people who look sufficiently different), as it was a way to avoid inbreeding- but we know that’s not the case either, and a huge percentage of the world marry straight from their same race.

This can be put into application only in understanding women’s general tastes. For example, if you are tall, muscular, and generally masculine, chances are you will have a better time finding a woman sexually attracted to you than someone who is short-ish, weak, and effeminate. This means, for example, that if you do somewhat increase your chances of being considered attractive by falling into somewhat stereotypical roles. However, as I’m sure you’re already thinking, there are indeed exceptions to this rule, and no matter how you look, chances are there is a section of the female population that will find you sexually attractive.

So basically, what you’re reading is, much like a lot of things in the social sciences, interesting in the white tower, somewhat useless outside of it. Don’t stress over it.

I have covered online dating profile creation before for a very big reason: many guys now utilize such services for dating. It’s certainly nothing to be embarrassed about- a surprising percentage of adults now use online dating services of various import to find love, and it’s shaping up to be the new face of dating in a big way. Because of this, crafting an attractive profile is paramount- so here are 6 ways to fundamentally improve your profile and, implicitly, your chances of getting a date in the future.

1 – Have good pictures, improve them whenever possible

I cannot stress this topic enough: have good pictures and make damn sure they are recent, interesting, and flattering. At least one of these pictures should be a good facial shot, and at least one of these shots should be a not-too-blatant shot of your body. Both of these are absolutely essential.

Under no circumstances should you ever post “myspace shots” (odd angles, mirror shots in the bathroom, etc), pictures of yourself that are edited in photoshop, or group shots that make your identity difficult to ascertain or imposing. Never take photos wearing sunglasses, hats, or other items that may indicate creepiness or being in a state of balding. Do not try to show of “the guns”, that’s stupid. The best photos are ones that are flattering and attractive without being staged, usually taken in interesting places or scenarios (meaning you are an interesting person), and ones that, while not blatant about it, show yourself in enough contexts to show your general looks, including your body shape. Feel free to throw in any conversation starting photos, pending they are legitimate conversation starters: pictures of yourself in your mother’s basement in a kimono carrying a katana you purchased online is not a conversation starter as much as it is very excellent woman repellent.

This should not need mentioning, but I will do so anyway: no nude photos or “sexy photos” or anything even possibly related to those categories. For one thing, you will not do them right. For another thing, they are usually not attractive to women for a bevy of reasons. Do not bother.

2 – Detail is nice, but mystery is also important

Yes, you absolutely must put information on your profile: generally, the more, the better. However, there is a limit to the amount of information you can put on- and at a certain point, you seem excessively wordy and really really boring.

The best example most people are guilty of is posting excessively long lists of favorite movies, music, or books. While these are, much like pictures, phenomenal conversation starters, these also don’t represent you very well, and should be kept relatively terse in terms of other information about you. In a very similar vein, do not post long blocks of information about your past relationship history, your work history, your scholastic achievements, or the like. Frankly, no-one wants to read that, and such information is best divulged gradually through conversation, not explosively through huge swaths of text online. Feel free to go into detail about yourself from a wide angle: just don’t go too deep.

3 – Avoid negativity

Under no circumstances should you ever be negative in your profile- that includes any sort of deriding comment, bitchy rant, or even a long list of requirements you have for women.

The reason for this is fairly obvious: negativity breeds negativity, and you want the reader of your profile to come off with a good taste, not a bad one. There is absolutely no reason you should complain on a stupid short dating website profile. If you want to learn the effect of this negativity, go find a girl’s profile with a lot of complaining on it- undoubtedly, you’ll find her stuck-up, slightly unsavory, and possibly even outright bitchy. If you have issues with the wrong kind of women (or men) sending messages to you, deal with them quietly and without much fanfare.

Do not lie and fill the profile with excuses as to why you are on a dating site. No-one believes your friend dared you to go on the website. No-one believes you came on the site as a joke or on a lark. Few will believe you if you say you came on to see who you got matched up with for “laughs”. Be outright and cop to your interest in dating: no-one is being fooled.

Furthermore, avoid posting stuff that most would find aversive. As I implied above, no creepy Japanophile crap. Do not run your mouth about your creepy fetishes, interests, or obsessions. Do not mention mental disorders. Mention diseases only if necessary (always mention things like AIDS, herpes, and the like- pretending they are not there does not make them disappear). Do not imply any sort of Oedipal connection to your mother, or otherwise confess any sort of strange obsession or situational issue. Indeed, you should mention if you still live with your parents and do not have a job or otherwise have colloquially “failed to launch”- just keep the information terse, do not try to weave a sorrowful tale of your own ineptitude.

Also, a quick addendum: under no circumstances should you ever say a phrase along the lines of “I just got out of a bad relationship” or “Looking for a real woman” or “I want something real“. These are all subversive ways of indicating a bad relationship history, which is not only negative, but incredibly off-putting. No-one wants to be a rebound or a “repair girl”.

4 – Avoid stating the pointless/obvious/common

As mentioned above, everyone on dating sites likes to excessively list favorite music, movies, and similar “favorites”. Further, dating websites tropes exist- little phrases and concepts that seemingly everyone says that, after being repeated so ridiculously often, mean utterly nothing in the big picture. Discard them.

You only need to look at other profiles to see what I’m talking about: get rid of phrases like “fun-loving”, topics like how you’re “just a romantic”, boring repetitive crap like “I’m just a laid back person”, and anything else that you see on other profiles. Don’t insert inane inside jokes, pointless “shout outs” to friends, or other things that will be nothing more than stumbling blocks to the streamlined presentation of you. Trust me, if you don’t delete such useless text, other people will mentally delete it for you.

5 – Don’t be hyper-exclusive

Avoid making excessive lists of demands about your potential date. This is not only negative (see above) but also just really really prohibitive to finding interesting people.

It’s not uncommon to see many profiles laden with what are veritable laundry lists of demands, ranging from “must like [sports team]” to “must be a good cook”. These requirements are basically trash: they are ridiculous requirements that really are not necessary in the search of finding a good mate. Get rid of them. No-one finds it clever that you require liking a band to dating you: rather, it looks arrogant and pigheaded, like a child who refuses to play with other children unless they have the same toys. Open up the “range” of possible dates in virtually every sense- ethnicity, age, locale (within reason), political affiliation, and the like. You’ll be surprised the bevy of amazing people you will find.

6 – Be active and aggressive

This is the defining line between the people who end up making dating sites work for them and others who complain about them not working. Aggressiveness is everything.

Do not be, in the terms of the Japanese, a herbivorous man. Sitting around on a dating site expecting women to come to you is a losing battle: the dating world is still very much a hunter-prey system, with men firmly cemented into the role of the hunter. Because of this, you- yes, you- are expected to initiate contact, continue discussions, and pursue dates. When you want a dating site to work for you, if you pay for it or not, you need to be willing to get on often, message people often, change your profile and pictures often (even if entirely arbitrarily), and  generally consider the entire affair an active process, not a passive one. You are not paying a matchmaker; it is entirely up to you to find your mate- a dating site is merely an advanced tool.

So basically, get your butt out there and work at it. It’s that simple.

You always talk about how pickup guides are bad, but they always work I use them all the time. Why hate them if they work?

Because the reason they work has very little to do with the actual content- in my opinion, it’s about 75% placebo effect, 25% general knowledge that can be found anywhere. Allow me to explain.

The main reason why dating guides “work” has very little to do with their execution- if you want to get somewhat theoretical, these books work for the very reason why people seem to think praying (be it traditional Judeo-Christian prayer or stuff like the Heart Sutra) works. In the act of reading these books, guys do not become inherently better “pick-up artists”, nor do they magically become better looking or better lovers. Rather, the effect is largely mental: because they believe they have become better, they are more likely to go out and try (and develop self-confidence regardless of execution), which means their chances become exponentially better. If you could convince the person enough, you could do the very same thing with a charm, a “special” cologne, or some other ridiculous placebo: if the person honestly believes it and it makes them feel good, it has the same result.

Another way in which they “work” independent of content is that sometimes they provide general knowledge that you need to have- that is, a general concept of social mores and the like. While I’m not saying “Double your Dating” is anything close to educational, what such books do is give you an idea of what to expect and what some people have succeeded with. In some cases, some of this information could be very valid- that is to say, eventually, in some specific very limited situation, the information could be entirely valid and useful.

Still, I don’t advise buying them or even reading them- I have (for a previous article), and I regret the time wasted. Develop your confidence and knowledge in a more realistic way- throw yourself into foreign situations and work your way around them without having to have some silly fratboy-crafted bible as your guide. That’s much more natural and wholly more realistic.

My friend is geeky and he likes a lot of anime and games and cards and stuff. Problem is he now is talking about how girls are ‘b—-s’ and how no girls are ‘worth it’. Advice?

I like to call this geek-brand misogyny, and it’s out there a lot more than you think. Here’s how to deal with it in a nutshell.

First off, understand where this comes from- it’s not entirely strange to think like your friend. Many geeks find, through various circumstances, that “real” women (i.e. the kinds of girls they want and/or admire or whatever) are inaccessible- and through some interesting mental processes, rather than thinking “I want and I cannot have”, they think “I don’t want so it’s not an issue”. This, tied in with the way in which games/anime/eroge/the like portray women in “perfect” lights, really develops a unique kind of woman hating energy that can really come across as crass.

This is also why dating sims/eroge/romance anime exist, in sort of a circular way- they exist because geeks want idyllic women because real women don’t seem good enough because they play/watch because geeks want idyllic women (etc etc).

So what do I recommend you do?

First off, help him find opportunities to approach and interact with real, interesting women. Do not let him become excessively attached (many “Geek-brand misogynists” ironically do this easily), but let him actually go out and do things with real women in groups- re-orient him to real, breathing, interesting, and normal women. Do not let him recede into his fantasy world- shove him out there and make him stay there to the best of your ability.

Once you begin that, it may be best to enlist some (female) help. While you’re shoving them out there, get some female buddies to help him pull further out of his shell- let them help him meet interesting people, and let them do some of the heavy lifting with him. This doesn’t have to be a full out intervention- the more subtle, arguably the better- but let them try using their own skills. Guys can only do so much in this situation.

Finally, remember that if he’s like this, he might simply not change. While I admire you wanting to help him, if he’s adamant, there’s not much you can do. He might have to learn on his own time, unfortunately.

Tonight I had propositions from two women for one night stands, both of which I rejected. One was a buaetiful girl who I barely knew, but sugested we know each other better in a private place. The other was a cute art student who offered me a night in her bed, as opposed to walking an hour in the rain home. There must be something wrong with me to reject these offers. This should have been a dream come true. What’s wrong with me?

My guess? Burnout, with a little bit of worry.

First off, burnout.burnout, to me, is when a guy exhausts himself of interest in anything- but in this case, specifically women. Yes, you can get very bored of sex and dating, and it happens too often when you go overboard and date too much, or just when you have so much of it that it ceases to be special. This happens to me occasionally- you get so many girls you can date that dating seems ridiculously easy, the challenge is gone, and thus the desire is gone.

The cure for burnout is to simply scale yourself back a bit. If you’re dating (or screwing) a lot, try to restrict yourself a bit more. Make the experiences more special and unique. Don’t date more than two girls a week, and don’t date them back-to-back or whatever. Avoid gorging yourself on easy sex or quick dates- it will make them all blur into one another, making them boring.

Second off, worry. You may, consciously or subconsciously, be worried or insecure about your abilities, sexually or not. This happens to guys more than you think- if they are clearly out of your league, you worry that you won’t be able to meet their expectations or that you are being tricked- two little nagging questions in your head that can make you pass on offers, quiet, and worst of all, ineffectual in bed.

The answer, of course, is to remind yourself that if a girl so clearly is going after you, she has long since judged you worthy. Unless she’s some sort of desperate uberslut (doubtful), she has already warmed up to your enough, and it is very unlikely you will be able to screw it up easily. Most (normal) girls don’t judge a guy in bed- they judge way before, and you have long since passed such testing. All you have to do is reaffirm her beliefs. And it isn’t hard to do.

As a side note to all of this, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with not screwing every girl in sight. Religion aside, you don’t have to have sex just because you can, being male be damned. Avoid the stereotype of being led around by your dick- that’s how a lot of girls think they can control you. Be as choosy as they are and enjoy that ability.

As a second side note, are you sure they were speaking sexually? Some girls totally expect you to be able to sleep in their bed without sex. Difficult as hell, or so I’ve heard.

Every so often, I get an e-mailwith some form of internet myth or copypasta that contains what I like to call an “Internet Myth”- that is, a commonly held concept on internet forums and chatrooms that seems to be taken as “fact”. Of course, most of these are anything BUT fact- they are usually fiction, if that at all. With that being said, allow me to get rid of some common myths- and try to inject some reality in the process.

Myth 1: No girls will like you, you are a geek.

Truth: Yes, if you are too geeky, you will repel girls. But in moderation, the right girls will not mind.

This is probably the most common: if you are a geek (be you a gamer, anime fan, or whatever the hell, depending on the forum), you immediately are a social pariah. You will have poor social skills, girls will scorn at you behind your back, and they will always stand you up when you talk to them. They will be able to “smell” the geek on you- and they will ostracize you because of it.

The truth is actually different for two reasons, but like any myth, there is some truth embedded in the fear. Fundamentally, if you are a “super geek” (that is to say, if you basically live and breathe some sort of nerdy passion, such as LARPing or something like that), you will indeed have a hard time finding women- if only because you will not come into contact with them often, and thus you may develop some social anxiety issues. This hits you in two ways, really- not only are the women less available (well, except for your typical wannabe-queen crazies who hang around geeks to feel “special” and be “the girl”), but because these women are unavailable, you tend to develop awkward concepts of dating, social interaction, and generally screw up socially.

The second aspect of this myth is that “all girls” will hate you, which is a massive lie- it all depends on the girls you are using to develop this grandiose assumption. Typically, these kinds of posts will hurt because it will remind the reader about being ignored on an attempt to date a specific girl (a current or past crush) and it will dig in like a knife- thus providing the effect desired.

The truth to all of this? Yes, if you do hole yourself up and do nothing but play video games all day, you will have an issue finding women. Your hygeine and ability to socialize in modern society may deteriorate. However, this does not mean you are lost- in reality, if you moderate your habits (key word: moderate), you will be as attractive as anyone else.

Another bigger issue is that of your “sample” for your decision- that is, that most guys who make decisions like “All girls hate me” usually do so because of one or two specific examples, which is ridiculous (and painfully unscientific). When I get e-mails along these lines, they usually reduce to this issue in one form or another, usually something like this:

• Searching far outside of your social group. A nerdy, geeky guy will probably have a hard time dating “the cheerleader”. It’s not impossible, but if he constantly compares himself far outside of his social group, he will screw up.
• Searching for the impossible or the unlikely. If all of the girls you look for are married or currently dating, you will not fare well. It just doesn’t work that way.
• Searching for the nonexistent. “No 3D girls understand me” is a common variant on this. You will not be able to date if you constantly look for the physical incarnation of some moeblob from Clannad or something like that.

And that’s about it. The key lesson from this myth is simple: every hobby should be in moderation (even guys into “normal” stuff like sports can go overboard) and you should always keep reality in your crushes- because there’s no reason you should make ridiculous determinations like “all women hate me” when you use one or two samples of girls who don’t even exist.

Myth 2: The best way to get a girlfriend/get laid is _____

Truth: There is no surefire algorithmic way.

This myth is just ridiculous for a huge number of reasons.

First and foremost, all girls are different just like all guys are different- this is obvious. There is no easy formula to get a girlfriend- while you can generally make yourself the best person you can and do things in order to facilitate getting one, there is no algorithm that equals girlfriend. Some girls translate certain actions (such as holding doors) in one way, others translate it a different way- and that applies to virtually everything you can do. Dating books/guides can only (pitifully) attempt to prepare you to pick up specific types of women- not always the kinds you want.

There is no best way to “get” a girlfriend- it’s always different depending on the girl. No, wearing a certain kind of cologne, going to a certain restaurant, or driving a certain car will not mean instant-girlfriend. Sure, doing well at a date will be better results-wise- but nothing will be a sure-fire way. Sorry to shoot down your plane.

Myth 3: Everyone is having sex but you.

Truth: Very few people are like you may think. Many are going completely without.

You can thank popular culture for this one, but the Internet has done nothing but expontentially exploded this rumor.

Okay, let’s get this straight: everyone is not having sex. Many couples do not have sex today and operate just fine. Many college students are not having sex- even if they may say they are doing so. Sure, there may be those who go out and party and screw themselves- but that’s a separate group. Even those who you might presume are heavily sexually active may be complete virgins- you are not guaranteed a thing.

This is not a bad thing. Our insanely strict Western Judeo-Christian roots aside, sex is not something you absolutely need- the media tells you so erroneously. You do not “need” sex. You do not have to have it by a specific time. Just because you hold off now does not mean you will become a “40 year old virgin”. In fact, many couples who hold off for sex until marriage (or just don’t go overboard with it quickly) have better relationships, because they built up a solid relationship outside of physical contact and used that as a medium later, not immediately.

This is generally the reason why worrying about the “common male worries” (penis size, potency, etc etc) is ridiculous. You are not expected to be a pornstar in your lifetime.

Stop being a sheep when it comes to issues like this- a lot of the reason most guys assume this is such a big deal is because the media (predominantly movies and music, but other forms as well) stresses it so much. TV shows and movies constantly reinforce the concept that sex is something everyone is having- and it’s always sexy, awesome, and, according to most hyper-sterilized movies, all of about two seconds of choreographed naked grunting. It’s not that, and it’s not necessary. Relax.

Myth 4: You are ugly, everyone else is beautiful.

Truth: Everyone is pretty normal.

One would think the existence of Photoshop would help people understand the falsehood of most photos online.

Sure, there are people in the world who are ridiculously good looking- but those are few and far between. In reality, most people are remarkably normal (thus reinforcing the term normal)- and chances are, you are normal too. You are not ugly, but neither are you model-like. Hell, even models aren’t model-like- if you take a look at any normal model shots (say, undoctored shots from runway shows), actual tangible beauty isn’t a major player anymore.

Yes, magazines such as Men’s Health doctor their photos. Everyone does in that business. Girls obsess over this stuff, and statistics are showing that men are beginning to do so as well- but in most cases, it’s ridiculous. Remember- with a team of talented photoshoppers, cameramen, and lighting professionals, you could look awesome too. It’s all about the money put into the project and the amount of effort put into making you look amazing. If you’ve seen photos of celebrities walking around without makeup on (like, on tabloid websites), you can see this in action.

And on this topic, ignore those who post themselves online in a bragging way. It’s just being harassing and ridiculous. They will grow old like everyone else.

In Closing: For myths I have not covered-

Stop believing what you read online.

Seriously. Stop taking everything for face value. Just because some forum online says that no women will like you does not justify you going overboard. Remember, this is the internet- home of crazies of all brands, who believe all sorts of strange crap. Are you really going to take advice from some anonymous idiots online?

Scrutinize everything you can. Test it for yourself. Don’t believe it on face value. Hell, don’t believe me instantly (I can be wrong often). Don’t stress out over past relationships and make jump decisions or otherwise try to change yourself drastically over small issues.

Just treat everything like politics- always assume there will be some truth, but not until you wade through a whole hell of a lot of bullshit.

Most of us have been turned down for one reason or another. Some of us mess things up, some of us shoot too high (or too low), some of us act like jerks. However, with the advent of the Internet and general dating discussion, many men are realizing a new reason for not getting the girl they want- a reason that has now been termed “The Friend Zone”.

The Friend Zone is best defined as a mental association for males in the female mind (or females in the male mind) where the relationship is entirely nonsexual. A guy who is in the “friend zone” is a guy who, for one reason or another, is categorized in the female mind as “just a friend”, ergo someone who is not a potential love interest, in any sense of the word. While this term really was considered folk psychology, it nonetheless became popular because Friends made it popular, which questions why a bunch of lonely guys were watching Friends. Nonetheless, many internet browsers (including many who e-mail me) complain about being “friend-zoned” quite frequently, asking me the same questions: why does it happen, and how can they get out of it?

Well, it’s time to clear the air and make what I will consider my ultimate guide on the friend zone. No more dilly-dallying. This should hopefully explain my thoughts and theories on the friend zone, as well as some general ideas on how to combat/accept the problem. Here we go.

As a disclaimer, the whole concept of “The Friend Zone” is speculative at best. No-one (myself included) has really sat down with a bunch of bearded Ivory Tower Sociologists and made this official fact. There have been no empirical scientific/sociological studies “proving” this that I know of.

How does the Friend Zone happen?

The Friend Zone, in my opinion, comes as the result of inconsistencies in four distinct areas: Social, Physical, Logical, and Personality. From what I have seen helping people (and in situations with myself), the reason your Average Joe is friend zoned is because of a flaw in one of these four traits, and the resulting processing most women do as a result of these inconsistencies. Translation? You can generally be friend zoned for one of four reasons:

1. Social Constraints
Social Constraints are issues which arise from the social scene. In the most extreme circumstances, it can be something religious- for example, many Jewish and Mormon girls friend zone guys because an attraction would not be socially acceptable. Similarly, many girls do not date outside of their social networks, or simply refuse to date based on generally uncontrollable circumstances. This tends to explain why many couples date within their own race. This also encompasses situations such as girls who have the reverse Florence Nightingale complex (I’ll explain below)- many have so many “guy friends” (or just enjoy being the “tomboy”) that they inadvertently friend-zone virtually every guy they meet.

2. Physical Constraints

This is a lot simpler than it sounds. Guys who are not attractive or otherwise have some sort of physical issue that turns off mates will naturally be friend zoned quickly. This generally explained why some “fat and happy” guys are extremely well known and social, yet generally single: despite being awesome personality-wise, their physical aspects lack, and thus the girl ignores the guy. This also sometimes applies to guys with handicaps, such as being in a wheelchair.

3. Logical Constraints

Despite what hit-it-and-quit-it wannabe date doctors will tell you, women are pretty damn logical. Often, logical constraints are things that play out because of circumstances generally beyond your control- for example, “We live across the U.S. and I don’t like long-distance relationships” or something like that.

4. Personality Constraints

This is the last, but by far the most common constraint: personality. Some girls like weak guys, some like strong ones- and while they may like one personality type for a friend (for example, a friend who is caring and compassionate), they may be mentally and/or sexually attracted to someone completely the opposite. Guys can easily make this worse by being clingy or needy, which tends to make the repulsion worse, rather than better.

So, we have a general schema: you can mess up in one of four ways. I’m sure there are more, but in general, they always tend to fall into one of the above four- no doubt, if you are friend zoned, at least one of those bullets at least casually applies to you.

One special exception to this is what I’ve somewhat arrogantly nicknamed the “Reverse Florence Nightingale Complex”, or what I sometimes term the “Tomboy Complex”. In this situation, a girl may have what those arrogant social scientists call Heterosociality- that is, preference for social interaction with one group- in this case, males. Girls like this tend to be pretty damn fun (lots of “Gamer Girls” are like this), but nonetheless carry the nasty attribute of being almost entirely nonsexual to their vast male friends, sending mixed messages. That, by all means, doesn’t mean they don’t date- it just means that their grandiose number of male friends prohibits them from being entirely willing to date. A lot of times, these girls have a steady boyfriend who they may or may not even like simply to avoid being single or feel slightly feminine.

How do you know you are Friend Zoned?

This is a bit complex. How do you figure out if you have been “friend-zoned”? There are plenty of good tests available online, but they all boil down into a few categories. While this is by no means a comprehensive list, these are a few common reasons:

1. She says it out straight

By far the most common: you may have confessed to her already or she’s already picked up on it. Many girls will tell you to your face- be it something kind like “I just see you as a friend” or something much more mean. In any circumstance, this is by far the easiest to figure out- and if she’s said it out straight, she’s had plenty of time to rationalize why, and you are in big damn trouble.

2. You occupy the unique position of being “The Girlfriend”

If you are going out on shopping trips and carrying the bags for her (proverbially or literally), this is a problem. The famous way of determining if you have been freind zoned is to simply examine how she interacts with you and other males- in no uncertain terms, if she’s talking to you about “boys” and complaining about her boyfriend, you are probably occupying this position. Despite common belief, a girl who is TOO relaxed around you (to the point of letting lose, like not bothering to dress nicely or wear makeup) tends to feel that she has little reason to obsess about how she looks to you, which is a common sign. Naturally, all girls are different and this may not apply, but it applies a lot more than most would like to admit.

3. If she simply shows little interest in you in social situations.

Probably the most stereotypical issue in highschool movies: the nice guy being ditched. For example, many guys will find that the girl who hangs around them the most suddenly disappears when they go to parties or go into social situations, the girl opting for a different crowd. This doesn’t have to be that dramatic- it can simply be her personality changing when someone comes around. As usual, this sometimes does not apply, but often this is a warning sign.

How to handle it- and get out of it.

Unfortunately, there is no magical answer on how to “get out” of the friend zone. While many guides attempt to sell you some CDs or guidebook, I’ll make it clear: if you’re REALLY stuck, no amount of dating magic will get you out. Unfortunately, the high chances are if you are lodged in too deep and you’ve been too blatant about your attempts to get out, your best option is to simply get the hell out. This isn’t a bad option (and often, it’s the best option for you personally), but here are some tips if you absolutely must have the girl of your dreams:

Get out.

I’ll make it blunt: stop being her pet poodle. If you are in the friend zone, make yourself as distant as possible and stay there. By all means, this doesn’t mean go emokid and cry and avoid her in an attempt to make it obvious: your job is to subtly make yourself too busy for her whims. Don’t hang around her. Go out and do things with other friends or alone. The best way to do this is NOT to just hang out alone (loners aren’t attractive)- rather, it’s to go out and find other friends. Keep yourself busy- she’ll want to fight to have you back (and stop thinking that you’re a guaranteed thing). That, of course, leads into…

Date other girls.

Girls are not dumb. Guys who cannot get regular dates are strange- while they may do it intentionally, vitually all of them are simply considered unworthy of attention. Sure, lusting after what your neighbor owns is technically a sin, but it’s one everyone falls into- and if the girl has any interest in you, it will help it. This actually helps you more than it helps her: more than anything, it will allow you to see other girls and potentially allow you to find other awesome girls (trust me, this helps more than anything, because even if the girl you want doesn’t want you, there are plenty of other girls in the world).

Break the effiminate trends you may develop.

Okay, personality is personality. But when your answer to her problems is a pint of Ice Cream and a Sex in the City marathon, you have a serious problem. Your masculinity should be enjoyed, not starved, so stop trying to appease her (or anyone else, for that matter) by weakening yourself for her enjoyment. If she begins to whine at you about a boyfriend, cut her short. Don’t grant unnecessary favors just to “make her happy” unless you do it with nothing expected: most of the time, subconsciously, you expect reward, which isn’t going to happen. That being said, if you have any clothing she bought you for you to wear (“cute shirts” or whatever apply), avoid wearing it incessantly. Make a point.

Move on.

The best advice? Move on. More than anything else, most guys obsessed with the friend zone are those unwilling to accept failure at getting a girl. Face it: she is one of billions. The best thing for you to do, both mentally and socially, is to simply move on and forget about her. Yes, this is hard and a kick to the balls, but this is by far the best option to take, bar none.

In Closing…

The thing is- the main point I’m trying to get across by writing this article- is that often, despite the situation, a lot of the situation resides with you. This isn’t something of an insult to you, rather, it’s simply a fact. The best thing I’ve always seen “work”, if anything at all, is for you to simply move on with your life. Chances are, if you are reading this for advice, you have someone in mind: and, as much as I hate to say it, that’s probably not the best thing in the world. Trying harder rarely works in situations like this, and often can come off as creepy, crude, perverted, or simply desperate.

Still, when you do handle the Friend Zone as a whole, the rule of thumb is to handle it discreetly. Sometimes, the best option is to simply ask the girl out- but rarely, if ever, should you have a “dramatic confession”. Even if you don’t intend to “move on”, generally your best starting point is to pull back and, much like a video game, give the relation a restart.

Anyway, hopefully this guide helps. As usual, if you have any questions for our team, use our contact form- we’re available for any questions on the subject both through that form and our forums- so feel free.