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I’ve recently been getting a lot of e-mails regarding online dating- be it just for fun or seriously. The problem is, much like the real dating realm, it is often hard to sift through the copious amounts of fake profiles, duplicates, and generally dangerous girls to find the ones really worth dating. With that in mind, I often have been asked to help identify “problem girls”- as silly as that sounds- and I’ve decided to help as much as I can. In this article, I’m going to go through 8 of the most common stereotypical “problem” girls I have seen, both by people sending me things, and by personal experience offline, and I’m going to try to not only explain how to identify them, but why you need to avoid them- so you can actually find the girl of your dreams, not a 40 year old guy from Toronto trying to trick you into sending him money.

DISCLAIMER: Before we get into this, I know I’m going to get hate mail. I am not trying to be misogynistic here, nor am I trying to attack girls with histories of problems, mental disease, or anything of the sort. Nonetheless, it needs to be understood that there are often gross generalizations that can be made about the caliber of girls that, in my limited career, I have seen cause trouble. Don’t send me angry e-mails.

8. The Trap

“Hey looking for a guy who could help me like with my bills and stuff I am not a complicated girl not expensive just want help in little areas so if you think you fit the bill and want to be friends with benefit that is fine hit me up”

Common Signs: Model-quality photographs, exceptionally terse information, rampant Africa-style misspellings, etc.

The Details: This goes without saying. If it looks fake, it probably is fake. There are a lot of people who, particularly on free sites, hunt around to harass desperate men and women and/or advertise to them- be on the lookout. Remember, the person doesn’t have to be explicitly fake for quite some time- the ‘trap’ could involve a really dedicated homosexual guy trying to find straight guys or any variety of other problems. Hell, there are some entirely legitimate girls looking to pin you on rape charges. Be careful.

How to Handle: Obviously, avoid. For very good reasons.

7. The Insane

“I used to cut myself, but now I take medication, though when I take it, it makes me feel dull.”

Common Signs: Wildly strange interests, any mention of suicide (at all), rampant obsessive behavior, mentioning therapy, etc.

The Details: Insane girls collect online fairly quickly, and thanks to careful editing, they can often seem fairly normal, at least on a superficial level. Unfortunately, the quickest way to find out if a girl truly has mental issues is to actually talk to her more- so you’re always in trouble. Common signs generally include strange fetishes and interests (a sexual interest in knives, for example), clear indications of personal/professional restraint (never finishing highschool for unstated reasons, not being able to hold a job), and general “strangeness”- trust me, it’s easier to see online than you may think.

How to Handle: Handle carefully. If her problems are mere eccentricities, or something you can empathize with, you may be able to deal with it- but don’t become a social-worker-slash-boyfriend. If you even have the remotest idea that there might be a problem, just don’t even try. There are many instances (of both girls and “insane” guys) using suicide or other drastic methods to keep people in relationships.

6. The Druggie

“Doing [mushrooms] was an eye-opening experience, and I try to do it as much as possible. It makes me a smarter person.”

Common Signs: Open admission of Marijuana use, mentions of therapy, talking about going on a “new path” in life, dropping hints about no longer being a “heavy partier”.

The Details: Druggies are hard to deal with. There’s nothing wrong with someone who is clean- however, as sad as it may be, very few actually become 100% clean, and many still retain vestiges of past abuse. You may even get the (dubious) honor of meeting a girl who is a current druggie- I’ve personally gone out on a date with a girl who began talking about her “absolute adoration of ‘shrooms and harder drugs”. From my (admittedly limited) experience with girls of this caliber, they often fall into one of two categories- obsessive personality types (that is, those who easily fall into addiction with something or other) and those who, for various (bad) social reasons, fall into drugs. Either way, there are a lot of problems going on, and clearly, most of them could land someone in jail.

How to Handle: Stay away from these types. You could easily get dragged into the habit, or otherwise implicated- even legally. Let these girls crash and burn on their own time.

5. The Dominatrix

“LOSER MEN DO NOT CONTACT ME. I know I’m good looking. If you think I’d think you are interesting, just try me.”

Common Signs: Excessively harsh commentary, demanding requests, blatant misandry, etc.

The Details: I like to use the term “Dominatrix”, at least in a colloquial sense, to describe women who are so demanding (or so angry after being browbeaten by bad boyfriends) that they become excessively demanding and problematic, often to the point of being annoying and skeptical. For some odd reason, this seems to be blown far out of proportion online, where girls often will presume (needlessly) that all of the men on the site are desperate, and somehow they are a desperately desired commodity to be essentially begged for.

How to Handle: I personally avoid them, but you could possibly tame them. For the most part, girls like this become this way as a defense mechanism, presuming men will exploit them. If you are legitimate enough, you may succeed. Still, most are not worth the time nor the effort.

4. The Lowered Standards

“I’m looking for a long-term relationship. I’m a wonderful person. Please date me! I’m awesome! I really am! I haven’t gone on a date in years and I really want to! I’ll give you sex!”

Common Signs: Desperation dripping from every paragraph.

The Details: Girls like this are arguably the most common on dating sites, and oft the most overlooked. Those with extremely lowered standards are those that- for legitimate or merely psychological reasons- feel that they do not make the “cut” for a normal man, and begin to search for some sort of surrogate alternative. Many morbidly obese women, as you may guess, fall into this category.

How to Handle: Be careful. Girls like this oftentimes decide, independent of your actual worth, to simply take whatever comes their way. Do not get wrapped up in what you perceive to be a good relationship.

3. The Slut

“Who wants 2 hook up 2nite?”

Common Signs: Nude photos, nearly nude photos, sexual innuendo, any kind of references to sex.

The Details: The name says it all. Sluts are the kinds of girls who are essentially wallowing in their own libido, often to the point of being sexually involved with any man that seems “hot”. As you can probably imagine, this oftentimes results in the spread of STDs and other nastiness you don’t want to be involved in. Even outside of the potential for diseases, girls of this caliber often have major (Daddy) issues, which spawn a lot of their promiscuity.

How to Handle: Despite how attractive/available she may be, avoid these girls like the plague, mainly because they could very well be carrying the plague.

2. The “Broken”

“I had an abortion in the past with my ex-boyfriend I used to live with back when we were engaged and about to go to grad school”

Common Signs: Desperation, excessive secrecy, questionable circumstances, obvious perceptions of themselves as “broken”.

The Details: Girls who perceive themselves to be “broken” are very dangerous to be dating. On one hand, much like “The Lowered Standards”, they grasp for anything available to them, perceiving internal failure- be it some sort of physical defect, mental defect, emotional problem, you name it. The problem with this is often not the problem itself, but rather the methodology: the girls quickly develop complexes, and use it to foster incredibly unhealthy relationships based on desperation. The nature of their “brokenness” varies from girl to girl, but it oftentimes has a lot to do with prior dating- be it a prior pregnancy, some STD, a rape, or the like.

How to Handle: Be incredibly careful. If she seems too good to be true, she probably is. Everyone has secrets, but hers may not be something you want to handle. These girls can be amazing, so don’t write them off, but understand that their reasons for dating may be less than normal.

1. The Ticking Timebomb

“I really love kids! I’m a teacher and I adore babies! I really want to be a mommy someday. I really want to be a stay-at-home mom and have my husband work. I love babysitting!”

Common Signs: Any mention of liking children obsessively, mentions of babies, adoration of being a “wife” in the future, etc.

The Details: These girls are ticking timebombs in every sense of the word. Typically at a certain age (as early as 18, which is scary), girls suddenly get “the urge”- that is, they want a kid, and they want it now. Quite a bit of this is hormonal, other parts of it sociocultural, but all of it is dangerous. Girls like this typically let this obsession fester into a number of unhealthy activities, which generally manifest themselves online in the way of rampant manhunting. Girls like this are prone to being oddly openly sexual, laser-focused on marriage, and incessantly focused on family-related topics- even things like introducing you to her parents.

How to Handle: Run away.

First dates are hard. While they are technically supposed to be fun learning opportunities where two people get to connect and learn about one another, they invariably devolve, at least in the mind of the participants, into great peacocking shows- long worrisome exposes of your pros, the hiding of your cons, and the attempt to do everything “right”- though nothing ever goes perfectly right. Even the most talented, confident daters can experience a bad date or worry about making a date a bad one- it’s hard!

As many of you know, I’ve written previous guides along these lines for normal dating- but apparently, first dating is hard. First dates are oftentimes a completely different game- they can be difficult and end up going very well (serious connection with a girl culminating in a kiss), or really poorly (proverbially holding your head in your hands as your histrionic date talks about her ex boyfriends and texts them during the date (true story(!))). So, to help alleviate some worries, answer many e-mails I’ve gotten, and help out you in your next first date (that could always be your last first date!), here are some tips to make your first date the best damn first date ever.

Ground Rules

First off, let’s set off some overarching ground rules for your first date- from planning to the date itself.

Rule 1: No sex. I know this is a silly first rule to have, but virtually everyone in the dating community (who actually is part of the legitimate dating community) agrees with me: no sex on the first date, period. No nudity. Hell, even making out is pushing it. At most, a good date can end with a kiss- but said kiss should never be presumed to happen, but it should be the good ending of a great date- not the obligatory ending to a mediocre date.

Rule 2: Plan, plan, plan. Though it seems silly, plan out things if you can- but don’t make it obvious. Reserve the restaurant for the time of the date- and make sure your date can eat stuff off the menu. Plan a time in which your mind is free of outside worries. Obviously, have enough cash to pay for things. If she wants to go on a walk, try to know the surrounding area. While there is such a thing as over planning (never let your plans dominate the date- be flexible!), try to make things as easy as possible.

Rule 3: Show your best aspects, but learn more than tell. Of course, the idea here is to get to know your date. Be on your best behavior throughout the entire process- but really, worry less about talking/showing yourself and more about your date. Remember, she has as much of an onus to show you her worth as you do showing her your worth.

Rule 4: Keep yourself aloof, at least early on. No talking about marriage, your problems, or similar issues. Don’t show her to all of your friends, and don’t meet all of her friends. Don’t make long term promises. A first date is exploratory, not any indicator of marriage or something. Remember this.

Part 1: Prep Time

Okay, so, let’s hit the ground running. For the sake of making this a short article, I’m going to presume that somehow, you’ve found a girl, and you’re ready to ask her out on a date. Thankfully, you’ve done most of the work- pending the girl is telling the truth, she’s already shown enough interest to justify going on a date with you: you’re 75% of the way. The problem is, now, you have to pull out all the stops and amaze her with a great first date that will not only give her a taste of you, but leave her wanting at the same time.

First off, call her and make direct plans. Do not waffle, do not ask her what she “likes” or “wants”. Of course, you’ll want to have a few options- a few restaurants, a few movies or activity ideas, etc- but generally, the idea is to have things in mind and be confident in your ideas. Have a general idea of the menu, and ensure wherever you go has the opportunity for special diets (vegetarians/vegans, allergies, etc) to be accommodated. Plan a day, a time, and a location at minimum- basically, treat it like any other appointment you may have. Naturally, figure out transportation- figure out if you’ll pick her up (nice, but sometimes a bit intrusive for some girls), or if you’ll meet her there.

Second off, plan. Almost immediately when you hang up, make reservations for the restaurant you chose, if reservations are available. Buy tickets if you plan to go to a movie or show- most theaters make advance tickets available, even online. Clear plenty of time around the date, allowing you plenty of time to shower, dress, and devote your mind to the date. Basically, make all the calls necessary.

I can’t stress planning enough. Planning is what makes or breaks the logistics of a date. Right before the date, everything necessary should be fully prepared for to the best degree you can- virtually every part of you should be ready for the date, from head to toe and everything around you. You should have clothes ironed (if necessary), clean, and ready to go. You should be well groomed in every respect, from your hair to your finger/toenails to any stray body hair. Your car should be clean, if applicable, and obviously ready to make the drive to and from your date location. You should have all the cash you need to pay for the meal twice over, and then any accessory costs- be it dessert or just extra activities outside the main date. Obviously, if there is any sort of chance she may come to your place (not advisable), make sure your apartment/house is clean. In essence, you should be ready to make this date the best damn date ever- and you should do nothing to keep it from being as such.

Ideally, a date should be planned around something that you can do together, with plenty of chances to talk. Movie theaters are a poor choice. Talking over dinner, though stereotypical, is a great option, as it opens up plenty of discussion opportunities. Doing something like walking through a park is also a great option. Cooking classes and other fun, random endeavors are also fun, pending they don’t distract you/her too much. Avoid going overboard (keep the girl in her comfort zone- don’t take her off skydiving or something), and keep the date fun (no creepy “come-to-my-place-and-lets-talk” dates)- focus on conversation as much as you can and keep the activity light.

Despite all of this planning, be flexible. Understand your date, despite her interest in you, may not be able to commit to a ridiculously planned, demanding schedule. Don’t be miffed if she has to change dates or otherwise has to postpone the date- emergencies do come up. Obviously, don’t expect a date to go perfectly, either- though you want to make it such, perfect dates never exist, and you should be flexible enough to adapt to any sort of circumstance- be it a restaurant being full up, a car breakdown, rain, a movie theater breaking down, or that sort of thing. Ideally, the girl should never know you planned a lot, but it should show.

So far as what you should wear/be like, be yourself, but be yourself dressed up to a certain level. Even for a movie date, wear nice pants (nice jeans are okay in more casual situations), a good shirt, and good cologne. Shoes should be clean and usable, even for the longest of walks. Avoid ostentatious fashion or super-formal wear- stick with something fun and traditional, that shows yourself, but keeps you looking nice. Cologne, much like we’ve talked about on this website before, should be faint and nice. Avoid excessive gel or jewelry or anything- keep yourself simple, versatile, and fun.

Notes

• Don’t take a girl standing you up beforehand too personally. While it obviously is the equivalent of a slap in the face and/or a kick in the groin, remember girls whom make dates and avoid them later should not be dated in the first place. As a general rule, give a girl two chances to move the date if she “can’t make it”- and if she clearly is not interested, then just ignore her and move on.
• When you reserve a restaurant or buy a ticket, do so as early as possible. Good restaurants and movies fill up quickly, and it can often leave you unable to provide a date you “promised”. Strike early.
• If you have to make changes, tell her ASAP. Treat a date somewhat like a business meeting- keep people posted. Don’t change things abruptly.
• Plan to wear good clothing, especially good shoes. Many girls, who learned from their mothers, look to shoes for the quality of a man- and then, after that, they sometimes look at the style/brand of clothing he has on. Wear damn good shoes.
• Speaking of clothing, prepare for the weather. Clothing should neither be too thin or too thick. Remember, no matter the season, it may rain, get suddenly cold/hot, or just become unpleasant. Wear something as much of in the “middle of the road” as possible.

Part 2: Date Time

So, it’s the day of the date, and everything’s going as planned. How do you keep the date going well?

First off, remember, conversation is everything. If you prioritize anything, prioritize the ability to keep a conversation going. A good date will help this along, but even if she doesn’t, try your damnedest to keep her talking. Ask questions as much as possible- people love talking about themselves, so use that to your advantage. Without being stalker-ish, try to learn as much about your date (her interests/hobbies, her work/school, any animals she may have, her week, that sort of thing) and ask about them. Though it may be incredibly tempting, do NOT ramble about yourself- answer her questions and elaborate as necessary, but don’t spend too much time. Leave her wanting more information. If you have trouble talking- if she’s being difficult, or you just naturally have trouble in conversations period- ask questions and remain as light as possible. Oftentimes, there is no negative in honestly admitting you’re nervous/excited/naturally bad at conversations- don’t worry about admitting so.

Whatever you do, during conversation, remain yourself. Don’t fake anything. Don’t lie. Humans are inherently incredibly good at detecting lies and fakery, especially ham-handed attempts at being “cool”- so don’t even try it. Being yourself is more than sufficient for even the best girls in the world. Remember, the idea is for her to get to know you, not get to know who you want to be. Of course, you’ll want to be fun and interesting- don’t mope around and act boring just because that’s the “real” you- but be as true to yourself as possible.

Second off, make everything as easy and respectful as possible. This is where the planning comes into play. Your goal, as the male in the date, is to make the date as easy and worry free as possible: your date should not have to worry about anything at all. Pay for meals and other costs, if at all possible. Be kind to the waiter/waitress, and tip well. Ensure that she has what she needs- if it may rain, make sure you have an umbrella. Generally, remove the big questions from your date’s mind- she’ll thank you for it.

On top of this, exude manners like a refined gentleman. Hold doors- that includes car doors. Only begin eating after she begins eating. Avoid bad table manners. Use “please” and “thank you” as much as you can. Essentially, treat your date like a princess, no matter how silly it may be- it will not only impress her, but any of her friends. I’ve met a ridiculous amount of girls who have rules about the “quality” of guys as related to their manners in this regard- so brush up on your manners and knock her socks off. As silly as it may sound, most girls like to be treated like royalty at dates, as most dates are special to them- use this to your advantage.

Third off, end on a high note. This is where things get confusing, but important. After your date- after the movie, dinner, or whatever you have planned- remember to end on a high note and make her wanting more, not less. As I mentioned above, you want to have a clear, definitive ending to your date, leaving everything on a high note- not on a low note. Dinner dates, except uncommon ones, last about two to three hours: expect about that much, and no more, for a first date. Though she may be far too old for it, be sure to get her home before her “curfew”- don’t overextend your welcome, and make sure to give her plenty of opportunities to end it herself.

And, finally, the option of a kiss, a hug, or nothing at all. This is VERY dependent on the nature of the date (if it went well, if the girl is more open or not, etc), and it should entirely depend on how the flow is going. If the date is going incredibly well and you felt as if you connected well, going “in” for a kiss is a very viable option. However, hugging is fine too- and it is not an indication of disinterest or anything similar, so long as you aren’t cold about it. Play it by ear. I can’t give you a definitive answer- just go with the flow, and avoid being a pig. Just remember, no sex.

Notes

• Remember, you always have the option to get out too- so don’t stress out too much. Your date has as much of a responsibility to impress you as you do her. You can easily choose to not see her again, rather than the other way around.
• Focus on her. Eat lightly. Don’t zone her out and look around. Focus on her first, the food/movie/whatever second.
• Be nice to everyone. Be nice to wait staff, employees, other people, and the like. Most girls watch this carefully.
• Carry plenty of money and handle financial transactions discreetly for obvious reasons.
• Turn your cell phone off. Under no circumstances should it ever be on during a date unless there is the potential for a massive emergency involving something only you could fix. Texting is tantamount to slapping your date in the face.
• Avoid talking about anything inflammatory- ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, heavy political topics, etc. It is fine to talk about these in a joking, casual way, but no further. It is not fine to talk about religion, politics, ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends, personal problems (physical, mental, or otherwise), or other “heavy” topics. Leave these for subsequent dates and more private settings.
• On this topic, just don’t talk about heavy sexual topics. She’ll know you’re sending out feelers.
• PAY ATTENTION. You gain brownie points for actually remembering what she says.
• A first date kiss should be simple, romantic, but without sexuality. Don’t oversell it. Don’t make out. A single kiss can leave her wanting a lot more.

Part 3: After the Date

After a date, don’t drop the ball. If the date went well, don’t forget to keep the ball rolling- you can easily do perfectly during the date and ruin it afterward!

Plan to call at least two days and not more than 7 days after the date. Don’t do it the hour after, nor would it be entirely advisable to do so the day after- not unless you stay in contact a lot anyway. Give her a little bit of time to process the date, then propose a second. Any more than 7 days and you’re making it clear you aren’t interested. You don’t really have to propose another date, of course- calling to say you really enjoyed the date is fine enough to leave your proverbial calling card.

No matter how well the date went, don’t run around like crazy making her your new “girlfriend in training”. Don’t go off and talk about her to all of your buddies, your family, and your coworkers incessantly. Have some restraint- too much expectation can be creepy. Of course, you can talk about her- she’ll be flattered- just avoid making the insinuation that her going on a date with you made you a “couple” of some sort.

Finally, make every next date that much better. Keep knocking her socks off. Don’t let the first date be the best she ever gets. Every date is a learning experience- so, as much as possible, learn about your date and make all subsequent dates better if at all possible. Girls hate guys who have one good date and then a series of uninspired, boring crap-fests.

In Closing…

First dates are scary for everyone-even myself, despite the irony of the fact I’m writing this article. The work of having to basically sell oneself- that is, to make oneself attractive to a potential mate for the very first time- is a very intimidating thing. Though planning and pracice help, nothing can truly prepare you for a good date quite like just being yourself- as being yourself allows you to really, truly connect with your date and develop a true relationship, not a feigned one.

It’s oftentimes hard for guys in a relationship to determine if they are in a bad relationship. As silly as that sounds, it’s a common occurance for a guy to think everything in the relationship is going perfectly only to wake up one morning and realize how much he absolutely loathes everything about his girlfriend. That being said, here are 10 different signs, along with some common examples, that will help you not wake up to such a traumatic morning.

The Warning Signs

10: The single life suddenly seems enviable.

When you begin to envy your single friends and how they seem “free”, then you have an issue. Every guy has times he wishes he was free- for example, when a beautiful girl passes you by in the mall or something- but this applies to the deep down desire to be “free” that many guys feel after being in a relationship they secretly hate.

Warning Signs:

• Envying your single friends on a regular basis- i.e. just envying them for the sake of their freedom to do anything they like
• Feeling restricted or constrained in non-romantic things, even when your girlfriend is not around
• Lying to friends about your dating situation- such as pretending to be single

9: You can’t see yourself with her 10 years down the road.

A good relationship is the type where you are 100% involved and into it- and if you can’t see yourself with someone down the road, oftentimes (but not always!), you are in a bad relationship. Never date out of obligation or the feeling that something better will come along- rather, date because you feel like the person you are dating is worth devoting a part of your life to. Sure, no-one expects you to use this rule for a girl you met yesterday, but for relationships that last longer than a year, you need to seriously begin to think about your relationship’s long-term potential- mainly, if it exists or not.

Warning Signs:

• You mentally plan finding another (better) girl down the road
• You intentionally devise ways or reasons for you to back out of the relationship in case you find said better girl
• You often lie to friends and/or family about your intentions with her (such as saying you have plans)
• The girl you date pressures you into making relationship landmarks (such as proposing!)

8: You ideologically clash.

Some people work best when they don’t agree on everything- after all, you should date an individual person, not an absolute clone of yourself. Still, there are sometimes when ideologies clash and you simply don’t work out. If you are a staunch Democrat, you won’t do well dating the personification of Ann Coulter, and you should know that- and the opposite obviously applies as well. Even on a religious basis, clash can occur- be careful to not bend your own beliefs in an attempt to retro-fit a girl into your life.

Warning Signs:

• You secretly think most/all of her political/religious opinions are stupid
• You often hold back from giving your honest opinion because you know she will be irritated/angry
• She makes a conscious effort to try to “convert” you to her side- when you don’t plan to budge- and it causes relationship issues

7: Your friends/parents don’t like her.

Believe it or not, your parents and friends often know a lot more about someone who would work for you better than you do. If your parents and friends are giving you a big “NO” and/or “STOP” in terms of a girl, they have a reason- and oftentimes, especially in regards to friends, it’s a good reason. It takes a third party to see some issues before they happen- so honestly take the advice you can get!

Warning Signs:

• You are only invited to functions if your girlfriend is not coming
• Your friends and/or parents have mentioned something to you before

6: Talking becomes a chore.

This is a big one, and even I’ve had this happen before. When, in discussion, you feel like you have to “force a discussion” or even just struggle to keep a conversation going, there is a problem. Naturally, no-one expects you to talk to a girl nonstop, and some relationships work well without day-long discussions- but if the discussions you have are horribly forced and contrived, you have an issue.

Warning Signs:

• You have to forcibly start or maintain conversations- especially if you know she’s not enjoying them
• You feel obligated or forced to talk (especially if you’ve gotten the “we don’t talk much” lecture)
• She complains about your conversations, or otherwise indicates she’s dissatisfied with your responses (on a regular basis)

5: You don’t keep in contact often.

Just like #6, if keeping in contact or knowing what your girlfriend is up to is a chore, you have a problem. Of course, no-one expects you to keep up with her 24/7 (trust me, this is actually bad)- but if you’re going long swaths of time without contacting each other, even by e-mail or by phone, you have a massive, massive issue.

Warning Signs:

• Without good reason, you have not talked, called, e-mailed, or otherwise “touched base” in a week.
• You can tell you’re being ignored- for example, seeing her online chatting with friends when she “mysteriously” never responds to you.
• You have to find out things about her everyday life via her friends.

4: You have to force romance.

This all goes along with the top two, but it means much more. If you feel like the relationship is all about you pushing false romance forward- if your girl is sitting there and accepting your efforts and not giving anything back- then you have a major issue. Oftentimes, couples with this issue end up having nothing romantic together but sex- and that’s a damn bad sign. Like virtually every dating book on the market says, dating is a two way street- and if you don’t feel like it really is one, you have a problem.

Warning Signs:

• Any romantic attempts you make- from flowers to special dates- go ignored
• You generally feel as if you put much more effort into the relationship
• You feel as if the only intimate thing between you and your partner is sex

3: Your personalities are too different.

Chemistry is a very very important part of any relationship, and oftentimes, personalities clash to the point of making a relationship impossible. If you’re the type that absolutely must stay inside and relax and you’re dating a girl who wants to always go out, who wants to be the center of attention and who hates being indoors, you will have an issue. Of course, opposites attract, and you should always see how you work with a girl’s personality, but some things just don’t work- and if that’s the case, you might want to re-consider dating.

Warning Signs:

• You often find your egos clash- without any kind of clear make-up
• You find her personality to be annoying or “fake”, or any variant thereof
• She often expresses how she wishes you “acted more like ________”

2: You aren’t getting what you need.

This sounds vague, but it means exactly how it sounds- and no, it’s not all about sex, either. If you expect something from your partner (for example, let’s say intelligent conversations) and she cannot provide that to you whatsoever (she’s absolutely irredeemably stupid), you have an issue. If you enjoy playing video games and want a girl to play with you but end up getting chastised for asking her to play, you have an issue. Of course, this is very hard to tell- there’s a thin line between reasonable demands and unreasonable demands- but there are some things you should never budge on.

Warning Signs:

• If you had to make a list of things your ideal girl would have, she would possess few or none of them.
• You often feel as if you aren’t able to do all the things you want with your partner
• You are sexually mismatched- she is unable to provide what you want/like and you cannot come to a middle ground.
• As a subset of the above, you begin to use pornography to “make up” for what you can’t get from her.

1: You have no physical attraction.

Yes, this is number 1. I generally contemplated placing this “lower”, but knowing all of the guys I have helped out over the years and the typical male mind, this is number one by FAR. For guys, physical attraction is very important, as it facilitates our response to girls on a sheer physical level- which, of course, allows us to foster relationships on an emotional and mental level as well. Don’t discount this as important: in fact, I would argue that if you don’t have at least a bare physical attraction, you’re in a bad relationship. Remember, you aren’t supposed to be looking for a supermodel- but if you look at your partner and cringe, you have a problem.

Warning Signs:

• You simply do not find her attractive
• You often find yourself thinking of other girls while you date her, or finding excuses to keep the relationship online/via phone

So what do I do?

1. Don’t let yourself ruin a relationship just because of an article. These points are ideas, and oftentimes you can too easily presume your relationship is bad. Before you do anything, talk to your partner. You’d be surprised how many things she does that irritate you that she has no idea cause any problem.
2. If you must close a relationship, do it properly. Don’t send a breakup text message. Meet the girl, lay out your issues (See above), and if she won’t compromise, end the relationship on a good, but final, note.
3. Move on. Don’t go for a “rebound” girl, but try dating again- don’t get discouraged. There are always more girls to date!

Although the popular show, “Sex and the City” ended with all four main characters living happily ever after, they had many encounters on a bumpy dating road to get there. This road is one taken by many single men and women today. After suffering through numerous bad blind dates, and since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, a/k/a Armageddon for not having a significant other, I decided to give you single guys out there a quick refresher course on some pointers for a successful first blind date. (I’m not picking on the male species; many of the tips can be equal opportunity suggestions).
The following are a few less-than-enthralling scenarios my friends and I have experienced in the past:

Mr. Snoozzzzz – I met Mr. Snoozzzzz one evening at a local restaurant chain. When I walked into the lobby, I was greeted with a lukewarm hello.

Tip #1:

Show some enthusiasm when you first meet your date. Even if you take one look at each other and know you won’t be walking down the aisle, at least be cordial. Receiving a mediocre salutation sets the tone for a bad time.

Tip #2:

Do not bore your date by talking endlessly about yourself. Come up for air sometimes and let her move her lips in the conversation. Mr. Snoozzzzz spent the first hour (I timed him) telling me everything I never wanted to know about his hobby of stamp collecting. Then, mercifully, he switched gears and started to talk about his job, so I thought I was out of the woods. Wrong. This took up the next 60 minutes of our date. Apparently he felt everyone shared his passion for buying and selling stocks. I heard all about puts, calls, and endless market minutia. It’s great to be psyched about your career, but what’s fascinating to one person doesn’t necessarily translate well on an ad nauseam level for your date. He also proceeded to tell me how invaluable he was to his company. Inside my head I was silently screaming, “This ISN’T a job interview!” Finally, to my astonishment, he actually asked me a question about me, but by that time, my eyes were glazed over from being comatose. Needless to say, even though he asked me out on a second date, there was no love connection on my part.
Note to self: Go to a novelty store and buy a pair of those toy glasses with the eyes painted on them so you can zone out and yet still look amazingly attentive.

Mr. T – When I saw the picture of this date on the Internet, he had a full head of hair. When we met in person, I literally did a double take because the sides of his head were extremely close-shaven and he had what I would call a golf divot of hair down the middle top of his head. It wasn’t quite a Mohawk similar to Brangelina’s son, Maddox; it appeared more like something Tiger Woods would use to putt. He also sprouted a small, square moustache, so he looked kind of like a cross between Mr. T and Hitler.  All that was missing was the swastika and plethora of gold chains. I didn’t know if I should salute him with my left arm or say, “I pity da fool who has to go out with you!”

Tip #3

If you’re showing a photo of yourself as a potential prospect, use a relatively recent picture that looks similar to your current features.
Mr. T was perplexing. When he wasn’t watching the multiple TVs in the sports bar where we met, he was staring at my chest. When he did gaze into my eyes, a vise-like handgrip accompanied the ogling.

Tip #4

Don’t assume your date thinks you’re Brad Pitt and wants you to clutch a body part unless she gives you obvious signals that it’s ok to do that. I had given off no such signals. Mr. T was the polar opposite of Mr. Snoozzzzz. I had to pull teeth to get him to converse. I made sure that date ended relatively quickly at a mere 45 minutes. He, too, asked for a second date, but I know when to cut my losses.

The “Seinfeld” Connection – If I’m set up on a date, I usually ask if the person bears any kind of remote resemblance to a celebrity just so I can get a mental picture in my mind. Unfortunately, my friend, Katie, was not quite the devotee of “Seinfeld” as I am, so she couldn’t let me know ahead of time that her co-worker’s friend looked just like one of the part-time characters on the show. To quote a famous Jerry Seinfeld utterance, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”, had I been warned that he was void of an actual personality. He made the
Wall St. guy seem like a gift from heaven. Plus, when we entered and left the restaurant, he just barged ahead of me in and out the door and did not show any inkling of courtesy. So much for dazzling me with charm and grace.

Tip #5

A tiny amount of manners goes a long way. Hold a door open for your date and let them go through first. Chivalry is still alive and well.
The “Seinfeld” Connection was also 41 years old and up until recently had lived in the basement of his parents’ house. Although it was an extremely nice home, this is still a big red flag. Someone that age should not still be hangin’ with Mom and Dad unless there is a medical reason where they need constant care. Try to get some background information on his living situation before your date. Politely ask the question, “When you look out your bedroom window, do you have to stand on tippy-toes?”

Tip #6

Get a copy of “Failure to Launch”.

Indiana Jones’ Brother – Katie met another blind date through a friend of a friend of a friend. Little did she know that the six degrees of separation kept getting lower on the food chain. She was only told he had the standard “nice personality” and looked like he could be somewhat related to Harrison Ford. She thought, “Hmm…so far so good”. She’s open-minded, but when he walked into the restaurant lobby where they were meeting, she wasn’t exactly prepared to see that, with no exaggeration, he must have weighed close to 400 pounds, reeked of cologne, and obviously did not follow the fashion advice found on WellCultured.com. She couldn’t swear to it, but the fragrance was strangely reminiscent of the Hai Karate an old friend used to wear back in the ‘70’s. Naw. He couldn’t still have a case of that stashed away for “special occasions”, could he? Katie is a very positive person; she’s always considerate and never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, but during their conversation when he proceeded to tell her in great detail about his legend-in-his-own-mind fabulous physical escapades with his last girlfriend, the TMI (Too Much Information) bell began clanging with a vengeance. On top of that, he asked if she’d mind if he smoked. She told him she preferred that he wouldn’t, so he reached for his cigarettes and lighter and said he’d direct the smoke away from her. Blowing cigarette fumes toward the left side of her face instead of directly at her face was his idea of being considerate I guess.

Tip #7

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we’re not all Gisele Bundchen or Tyson Beckford clones, but if you fall into a more out-of-the-ordinary category due to a medical condition or for whatever reason, you should inform your date ahead of time. If that’s a feature you don’t think would work for you, politely decline the date. One guy didn’t want to go out with my friend because she was taller than he was. Another preferred dating redheads exclusively. I once worked with a guy who absolutely adored Rubenesque beauties.  Everybody has their own personal preferences of what they look for in a mate. Be respectful, but be honest up front.

Tip #8

Women do not want to learn about the excruciatingly painful fine points of past physical encounters of your relationships on a first date! Also, pouring on cologne like Niagara Falls is not a way to win someone’s affection. Women prefer not to know that you’re coming a mile before you get there. Lastly, if you choose to smoke like a chimney, ask your date ahead of time what her feelings are about your habit and adhere to her wishes. Everyone has the right to smoke if they want, but not when it infringes on other people.

Mr. Squeeze Those Nickels – I once met a guy who worked for both a well-known TV sports channel and a Major League Baseball team. He could carry on a pleasant enough conversation, but he failed what I call “The Gentleman Test”. When I go out on a simple first date, I usually order a drink and an appetizer. Now one would think Mr. S.T.N. would have a decent income working for the companies that he did.  When the bill came, however, he flatly informed me, “Here, you figure out what you owe”. This is my #1 Pet Peeve. Please show some class and at least offer to pick up the tab for a woman. Unless you are in between jobs or live in a car with all your worldly possessions, there is no reason you can’t make a great impression on us females by saying those welcomed words, “I’ve got this” (unless your date drinks like a fish and runs up a $100 bar bill). Some women prefer to go Dutch treat and that’s fine, but make the effort to perform this nice gesture. You will be blessed with many good “Guy Points”. Little things mean a lot. It’s not like most women order Dom Perignon and filet mignon. I took a survey at work and asked 15 of our male employees their thoughts on this issue. They unanimously agreed that if the guy was worth his salt, it was the gentlemanly thing to do. Thus:

Tip #9

Cheapness can propel a woman toward the nearest exit. Try to let the little moths in your wallet breathe some invigorating fresh air.

Mr. What’s That Funny Smell? – I met a seemingly nice guy through work but didn’t know much about him. It’s not like I could’ve handed him a checklist of his recreational habits before he asked me out, but it wouldn’t have been too bad of an idea.  He took me to a great restaurant and things seemed to be going well except that he left the table numerous times to use the nearby restroom. Even though he seemed fine, I thought it was a bit unusual but figured maybe he was having stomach problems, although he kept laughing an inordinate amount of times. This should have been my main clue. On what probably was trip #7, he opened the door quickly and the sweet aroma of something they didn’t offer legally on the menu wafted through the air. All of a sudden, the manager came up to the table next to us and asked the couple to leave. I didn’t know what happened until I realized that he must have thought they were doing what President Clinton denied inhaling. I felt so bad for the poor, innocent guests when it was actually my date who was causing the problem. I recalled the scene from the movie, “The Fly” with Jeff Goldblum when he knows he’s morphing into the fly. He looks pitifully at Gena Davis and squeaks out, “Kill me! Just kill me now!” This has become my mantra on all of my bad blind dates, but it started with this episode.

Tip #10

Don’t bring illegal extracurricular activities with you on a date in a public place.

Mr. Entertainer – One of my all-time favorite bad blind date stories happened to my friend, Jackie. She went out with a guy who seemed a bit odd, but he was good looking and had money in stratospheric proportions, so she wrote it off in her mind as being “a rich eccentric”. The evening was progressing well enough, but she had nagging doubts about him. Against her better judgment, she drove back to his home for coffee and dessert. She was seated in his living room when he disappeared and came back with a small black case. He gave his best Al Pacino impression and said, “Say hello to my little friend!” She remembered the quote from the familiar gruesome scene from “Scarface”. While fleeting thoughts of being gunned down in her prime cascaded through her head, he suddenly whipped out a ventriloquist’s dummy and proceeded to have the dummy make graphic suggestions about his plans for the three of them. She hastily bid goodbye to Charlie McCarthy Jr. and was out the door.

Bonus Tip – Meet at a public place and drive separately. You never know when you’ll need to make a quick getaway. Also, be aware of the old adage, “Looks aren’t everything” and follow your instincts. They’re never usually wrong.

In summary, to help ensure celebrating special occasions like Valentine’s Day together as a couple, just keep in mind these few simple tips, and blind dates will not have to be an experience worse than enduring a root canal. Hang in there – Hallmark, American Greetings, florists, and chocolate shops across America have faith you’ll be successful!

Tonight I had propositions from two women for one night stands, both of which I rejected. One was a buaetiful girl who I barely knew, but sugested we know each other better in a private place. The other was a cute art student who offered me a night in her bed, as opposed to walking an hour in the rain home. There must be something wrong with me to reject these offers. This should have been a dream come true. What’s wrong with me?

My guess? Burnout, with a little bit of worry.

First off, burnout.burnout, to me, is when a guy exhausts himself of interest in anything- but in this case, specifically women. Yes, you can get very bored of sex and dating, and it happens too often when you go overboard and date too much, or just when you have so much of it that it ceases to be special. This happens to me occasionally- you get so many girls you can date that dating seems ridiculously easy, the challenge is gone, and thus the desire is gone.

The cure for burnout is to simply scale yourself back a bit. If you’re dating (or screwing) a lot, try to restrict yourself a bit more. Make the experiences more special and unique. Don’t date more than two girls a week, and don’t date them back-to-back or whatever. Avoid gorging yourself on easy sex or quick dates- it will make them all blur into one another, making them boring.

Second off, worry. You may, consciously or subconsciously, be worried or insecure about your abilities, sexually or not. This happens to guys more than you think- if they are clearly out of your league, you worry that you won’t be able to meet their expectations or that you are being tricked- two little nagging questions in your head that can make you pass on offers, quiet, and worst of all, ineffectual in bed.

The answer, of course, is to remind yourself that if a girl so clearly is going after you, she has long since judged you worthy. Unless she’s some sort of desperate uberslut (doubtful), she has already warmed up to your enough, and it is very unlikely you will be able to screw it up easily. Most (normal) girls don’t judge a guy in bed- they judge way before, and you have long since passed such testing. All you have to do is reaffirm her beliefs. And it isn’t hard to do.

As a side note to all of this, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with not screwing every girl in sight. Religion aside, you don’t have to have sex just because you can, being male be damned. Avoid the stereotype of being led around by your dick- that’s how a lot of girls think they can control you. Be as choosy as they are and enjoy that ability.

As a second side note, are you sure they were speaking sexually? Some girls totally expect you to be able to sleep in their bed without sex. Difficult as hell, or so I’ve heard.

Every so often, I get an e-mailwith some form of internet myth or copypasta that contains what I like to call an “Internet Myth”- that is, a commonly held concept on internet forums and chatrooms that seems to be taken as “fact”. Of course, most of these are anything BUT fact- they are usually fiction, if that at all. With that being said, allow me to get rid of some common myths- and try to inject some reality in the process.

Myth 1: No girls will like you, you are a geek.

Truth: Yes, if you are too geeky, you will repel girls. But in moderation, the right girls will not mind.

This is probably the most common: if you are a geek (be you a gamer, anime fan, or whatever the hell, depending on the forum), you immediately are a social pariah. You will have poor social skills, girls will scorn at you behind your back, and they will always stand you up when you talk to them. They will be able to “smell” the geek on you- and they will ostracize you because of it.

The truth is actually different for two reasons, but like any myth, there is some truth embedded in the fear. Fundamentally, if you are a “super geek” (that is to say, if you basically live and breathe some sort of nerdy passion, such as LARPing or something like that), you will indeed have a hard time finding women- if only because you will not come into contact with them often, and thus you may develop some social anxiety issues. This hits you in two ways, really- not only are the women less available (well, except for your typical wannabe-queen crazies who hang around geeks to feel “special” and be “the girl”), but because these women are unavailable, you tend to develop awkward concepts of dating, social interaction, and generally screw up socially.

The second aspect of this myth is that “all girls” will hate you, which is a massive lie- it all depends on the girls you are using to develop this grandiose assumption. Typically, these kinds of posts will hurt because it will remind the reader about being ignored on an attempt to date a specific girl (a current or past crush) and it will dig in like a knife- thus providing the effect desired.

The truth to all of this? Yes, if you do hole yourself up and do nothing but play video games all day, you will have an issue finding women. Your hygeine and ability to socialize in modern society may deteriorate. However, this does not mean you are lost- in reality, if you moderate your habits (key word: moderate), you will be as attractive as anyone else.

Another bigger issue is that of your “sample” for your decision- that is, that most guys who make decisions like “All girls hate me” usually do so because of one or two specific examples, which is ridiculous (and painfully unscientific). When I get e-mails along these lines, they usually reduce to this issue in one form or another, usually something like this:

• Searching far outside of your social group. A nerdy, geeky guy will probably have a hard time dating “the cheerleader”. It’s not impossible, but if he constantly compares himself far outside of his social group, he will screw up.
• Searching for the impossible or the unlikely. If all of the girls you look for are married or currently dating, you will not fare well. It just doesn’t work that way.
• Searching for the nonexistent. “No 3D girls understand me” is a common variant on this. You will not be able to date if you constantly look for the physical incarnation of some moeblob from Clannad or something like that.

And that’s about it. The key lesson from this myth is simple: every hobby should be in moderation (even guys into “normal” stuff like sports can go overboard) and you should always keep reality in your crushes- because there’s no reason you should make ridiculous determinations like “all women hate me” when you use one or two samples of girls who don’t even exist.

Myth 2: The best way to get a girlfriend/get laid is _____

Truth: There is no surefire algorithmic way.

This myth is just ridiculous for a huge number of reasons.

First and foremost, all girls are different just like all guys are different- this is obvious. There is no easy formula to get a girlfriend- while you can generally make yourself the best person you can and do things in order to facilitate getting one, there is no algorithm that equals girlfriend. Some girls translate certain actions (such as holding doors) in one way, others translate it a different way- and that applies to virtually everything you can do. Dating books/guides can only (pitifully) attempt to prepare you to pick up specific types of women- not always the kinds you want.

There is no best way to “get” a girlfriend- it’s always different depending on the girl. No, wearing a certain kind of cologne, going to a certain restaurant, or driving a certain car will not mean instant-girlfriend. Sure, doing well at a date will be better results-wise- but nothing will be a sure-fire way. Sorry to shoot down your plane.

Myth 3: Everyone is having sex but you.

Truth: Very few people are like you may think. Many are going completely without.

You can thank popular culture for this one, but the Internet has done nothing but expontentially exploded this rumor.

Okay, let’s get this straight: everyone is not having sex. Many couples do not have sex today and operate just fine. Many college students are not having sex- even if they may say they are doing so. Sure, there may be those who go out and party and screw themselves- but that’s a separate group. Even those who you might presume are heavily sexually active may be complete virgins- you are not guaranteed a thing.

This is not a bad thing. Our insanely strict Western Judeo-Christian roots aside, sex is not something you absolutely need- the media tells you so erroneously. You do not “need” sex. You do not have to have it by a specific time. Just because you hold off now does not mean you will become a “40 year old virgin”. In fact, many couples who hold off for sex until marriage (or just don’t go overboard with it quickly) have better relationships, because they built up a solid relationship outside of physical contact and used that as a medium later, not immediately.

This is generally the reason why worrying about the “common male worries” (penis size, potency, etc etc) is ridiculous. You are not expected to be a pornstar in your lifetime.

Stop being a sheep when it comes to issues like this- a lot of the reason most guys assume this is such a big deal is because the media (predominantly movies and music, but other forms as well) stresses it so much. TV shows and movies constantly reinforce the concept that sex is something everyone is having- and it’s always sexy, awesome, and, according to most hyper-sterilized movies, all of about two seconds of choreographed naked grunting. It’s not that, and it’s not necessary. Relax.

Myth 4: You are ugly, everyone else is beautiful.

Truth: Everyone is pretty normal.

One would think the existence of Photoshop would help people understand the falsehood of most photos online.

Sure, there are people in the world who are ridiculously good looking- but those are few and far between. In reality, most people are remarkably normal (thus reinforcing the term normal)- and chances are, you are normal too. You are not ugly, but neither are you model-like. Hell, even models aren’t model-like- if you take a look at any normal model shots (say, undoctored shots from runway shows), actual tangible beauty isn’t a major player anymore.

Yes, magazines such as Men’s Health doctor their photos. Everyone does in that business. Girls obsess over this stuff, and statistics are showing that men are beginning to do so as well- but in most cases, it’s ridiculous. Remember- with a team of talented photoshoppers, cameramen, and lighting professionals, you could look awesome too. It’s all about the money put into the project and the amount of effort put into making you look amazing. If you’ve seen photos of celebrities walking around without makeup on (like, on tabloid websites), you can see this in action.

And on this topic, ignore those who post themselves online in a bragging way. It’s just being harassing and ridiculous. They will grow old like everyone else.

In Closing: For myths I have not covered-

Stop believing what you read online.

Seriously. Stop taking everything for face value. Just because some forum online says that no women will like you does not justify you going overboard. Remember, this is the internet- home of crazies of all brands, who believe all sorts of strange crap. Are you really going to take advice from some anonymous idiots online?

Scrutinize everything you can. Test it for yourself. Don’t believe it on face value. Hell, don’t believe me instantly (I can be wrong often). Don’t stress out over past relationships and make jump decisions or otherwise try to change yourself drastically over small issues.

Just treat everything like politics- always assume there will be some truth, but not until you wade through a whole hell of a lot of bullshit.