Wellcultured - Well Cultured is a men’s online magazine with advice and reviews on fashion, dating, finances, health, music, movies and many other topics, as well as a robust message board and the Well Cultured Guide, a freely editable community wiki.

2009 is going to be a different year. For most of us in the West, the economy has gone to hell in a handbasket- leaving many of us without jobs or fighting for those we have. Socially, the world is changing- especially in the US, where the entire government has been handed over to the opposite party and subcultures are growing and growing. This year, seemingly moreso than 2009, is going to be a year about recovery and optimization- making ourselves more better than we were before to weather any kind of economic or social situation.

Frankly, there is very little room for error in the West anymore. Where a few years ago one may be able to survive (to some degree) without a job and with a lot of room for error schooling-wise, we are no longer going to have such freedom. Many college graduates are very quickly learning that there simply aren’t that many jobs anymore- and many budding entrepreneurs are learning there isn’t the money to hire anyone anyway.

In a world like this, the strongest and the most savvy will survive- and when it comes to this sort of competition, being a well cultured individual will save you every time. Knowing how to look professional, dress well, handle yourself in a pleasant way and how to excel at your job is crucial- and here are ten new years resolutions you should follow to do just that.

10- Clean your life “history” now.

Few people really realize how much information can be found out via the Internet, especially by employers. Personally, a variety of information can be found out about me- from my school to even some of my political affiliations, people I’ve worked for, old friends, and embarrassing overweight pictures of myself. The worst thing is, a savvy individual can find some horrible stuff on me- namely, some posts about me from an old stalker, and an accusation of me being a mentally deranged homosexual. These constitute what I call a life “history” online- and just like your internet browser history, they can be fairly normal or very embarrassing, depending on what you do and how much you make public.

If you can, “optimize” your history. Get rid of old forum accounts. Delete old blogs. Remove (or untag yourself from) old photos on Facebook. Make sure no-one is talking about you, if you can help it. There’s nothing wrong with having accounts on websites, just realize that if they connect with your real name, they can harm you- which is why people often joke your name on the internet is a “Power Word”.

Worst case scenario, there are “cleanup” companies that specialize in fixing issues like unsatisfactory posts and the like. Employ them if you must.

9- Build connections everywhere.

Connections are how most people become rich, not by pure savvy. Sure, having intelligence is important- but knowing the right people who can help you (and who you can help in return) is incredibly important.

One of the easiest ways you can build a connection is to make yourself an address book- be it online, written out, or even on your cell phone. Websites like Linkedin and Facebook help, but not everyone in the world is on there- find a somewhat neutral way of cateloging who you know, from where, and their contact info. Store business cards, if you have to.

Remember, though, you have to reciprocate the help you get. Be willing to help out friends- use your skills for their benefit. Really good business connections are made on mutual need, not necessarily on your ability to exploit the other person into getting you what you need.

8- Date more.

I’m very serious. This will help you.

Dating is marketing yourself, no matter what others may say- just, instead of asking the other person to hire you and give you money, you are asking the other person to like you. Dating lets you refine the skill of marketing yourself- both in the sense of getting to know others conversationally (understanding how to be social with near-strangers), but also understanding yourself a bit better- and how to explain yourself to others. You’ll also find yourself less nervous about interviews and other kinds of meetings- if you know how to woo women correctly, you shouldn’t be too worried about being causally friends with men.

As well, the bonus is you could always find an awesome girl- there’s nothing wrong with finding a girlfriend for 2009.

7- Optimize your computer to get things done.

This is the fun geeky part of the resolutions.

Optimize your computer for work. Sure, we all absolutely love to optimize our computers for play- cleaning up our harddrives and buying new parts for faster gaming- but there’s also a benefit to optimization to get things done.

First off, provide yourself simplified ways to manage your e-mail and calendar. Google provides a lot of these tools for free and in high quality- both Gmail and Google Calendar are excellent tools for management. Google Calendar, my personal favorite, allows you to not only make your own calendar, but share them with other users- synchronizing youself with everything from school schedules to football games.

As well, organize and back up your work. For both schoolwork and literal work, make an organization system that will allow you to store  your files safely and in a way where you will know where they are. I personally find that my best method is to have a separate hard drive in my PC devoted entirely to bulk storage- allowing me to reformat and play around on my main hard drive without worrying about where my other files are. This also often saves my rear when I destroy Windows in some way or other.

Oh yes, and if you do decide to optimize your computer, as one geek to another, keep or rollback to Windows XP if at all humanly possible. Despite recent advertisements, Vista is not a productivity system whatsoever. Worst case scenario, if you cannot find XP drivers for your system, consider some flavor of Linux.

6- Go to school- or get certificates for what you already know.

Unless you have already gone, if you are not currently in a form of College/University, you need to apply pronto. As I have often mentioned, High School educations simply do not cut it anymore for jobs- you need to specialize and be smarter. Some people can certainly find jobs after highschool because of their skill- but for the average joe, that sort of luck rarely comes. Get a degree in something- and study your ass off for a good GPA. There are many companies now that do not even briefly consider potential hires unless they have the minimum of a Bachelor’s degree.

Some people are surprised at the ridiculous amounts of accrediation you can get for very little work. Many certifications- computer certifications such as the A+ Certification, various personal trainer certifications, and other similar certificates can be had for relatively cheap. These boost a resume for virtually any job, and always provide an extremely good way to make extra cash on the side.

5- Make more money- put your skills to work.

As I mentioned above, easy skills can be a great cash crop. Personally, I have found that basic tech support and design work provide me a steady stream of extra money for clothes, dates, and other kinds of frivolities- as well as a great way to augment rent if I need to.

Your “skill” doesn’t even have to be something incredibly complex- there are many party planning companies and restaurants that sometimes need extra hosts. If you have the looks for it (or the lack of self-respect to do horrible fetish photography), modeling is a very reasonable way to make cash.

What I will say, though, is to be careful. From the work I’ve done, as well as hearing stories from friends, there are many scams that exist for temps- not paying the right amount, expecting more than they listed, and that sort of thing. Always have something in writing- even an e-mail or two confirming the job and the pay- to back yourself up.

4- Eat healthier- no more junk food, period.

There have been countless articles posted online and published in newspapers/magazines about junk food and it’s bad effects, yet it still is purchased by the proverbial truckload by the average family. This is ridiculous. While sweets and chips are fine in moderation, you may not really realize how many calories, grams of fat and grams of sugar you are ingesting every day from a casual snack- and how much effect it has on your system.

Eating poorly makes you sluggish, irritable, sleepy (but often makes it harder to actually fall asleep), sexually weak, and it can give you horrible skin. Worst of all, it makes you fat. Why eat it?

Eat junk food in moderation. There’s nothing wrong with having a bag of chips or a soda every now and then- just don’t go overboard. If you eat a lot of junk food (say, during a Christmas party), exercise it off- don’t consider it a lost cause. Sometimes, the best way to ensure you don’t eat it is to simply not buy it- and, in the long run, it will save you money, too.

3- Dress better- buy clothes that are eternally stylish.

Of course, this being a fashion website, we always love talking about new fashions and how to wear them- it’s our “thing”. The problem is, with the economy going to hell, it’s hard to buy good fashions that are actually affordable.

The answer to this is twofold. First off, go for sales. With the economy as bad as it is, many clotheirs are cutting back their prices and holding sales like crazy- take advantage of them. I’ve seen $300 jackets go for $50 this Christmas- a bad thing for retailers but a good thing for you.

The second part of the answer is that you should buy long-lasting, not transient, fashions. Well-made suits, leather shoes, high quality jeans, and nice coats are all the kinds of clothing that will last you years- so buy them well and in fashions that are established, not extremely cutting-edge. Modernize your wardrobe with a few small pieces, but largely keep yourself traditional in fit and style- doing so will allow the clothing to truly last years, rather than look outdated in one or two.

2- Start a weekly exercise routine- preferably three times a week.

The reverse of junk food- exercising makes you look good and feel good. Beyond just being fit, exercising will make you look better (both in clothing and naked), it will give you more energy, allow you to focus more, and in general will make you a better person overall.

Of course, don’t get into a “rut” by focusing exclusively on weight lifting or running- branch out and make your routine encompass a little bit of everything. Fundamentally, you should try working on a little bit of the “big three”- strength, stamina, and flexibility- by finding activities and exercises to promote all three, rather than one or two. If you exclusively weight lift, try to build in some cardio as well- you’ll find it beneficial both to your weight lifting stamina and to help slim fat off your body- and if you do nothing but cardio, try weight lifting to blast away pudginess and show lean muscle off.

1- Manage your money.

Obviously, I’ve been mentioning money a lot this post, and number one is all about money.

No matter how old you are or what financial situation you are in, it is imperitive that you begin to manage your money closely. Know where your money is coming from and where it is going- and keep it from blasting away on ridiculous expenditures.

One very important thing all people over 18 should work on is building credit. Even if you do not need one, having a credit card (and using it for a small expenditure monthly) is a great way to build up a credit score and prove you can handle small term loans. This will help immensely in the future with larger loans- such as car loans or home loans- which often require you have a demonstrated history of, in colloquial terms, “trustability”.

Arguably the easiest way to manage your finances is to buy cheap and only when you must. Other than things you absolutely must have (groceries, a roof over your head, etc), there are many things you simply do not need to spend so much money on. If you can manage it, avoid paying monthly fees for video games, upper-tier cable channels, personal trainers, and other amenities, especially if you do not use them.

I’ve listed a ridiculous amount of pointers today, but my point is incredibly simple: manage yourself tightly this year. 2009 is going to be a year of tight funds and even tighter employers- so you will have to bend to avoid breaking, if you pardon the metaphor. I can guarantee that even if you pick up one of these resolutions, 2009 will be just a little bit simpler- and hopefully, we’ll all survive just a bit better than the next guy.

My girlfriend recently dumped me. What is the best way to heal from a loving relationship turned bad, especially when she is/was so much a part of my life? She is still friends with a majority of my friends!

I probably need to write a full guide on this subject, but for the time being, let me break it down.

1. Avoid brooding on the subject. The worst thing most guys do when someone breaks up with them is to “go emo”- that is to say, to be reclusive, pondering, and wimpy. This does very little to solve anything, makes the problem worse, and makes you feel like crap longer. Life has to continue- go out and do what you’ve always done and keep yourself busy. This will keep you from sitting around thinking about it incessantly.

2. Date. Schedule some dates- they don’t have to be serious. Many guys tend to fall into strange ruts where they believe their ex girlfriend was the “one”, refusing to date other people. Don’t do that. Go out on new dates, have fun, talk to the opposite sex, and just enjoy life. Don’t bring up your ex-girlfriend, for obvious reasons.

3. Don’t worry about your friends. They will be more awkward about the subject than you. If they ask, give them a simple answer, and keep it that way. Some may draw away from you for various reasons- don’t brood on it too much.

4. Learn. While this is not always the case, many breakups can be taken as lessons- teaching you what you did wrong, what you need to work on, and that sort of thing. Accept the fact that, chances are, a lot of stuff was probably your fault- and work to fix it in new relationships.

Breakups are ridiculously hard, so a lot of this advice is theoretical at best, but if you really focus on not thinking about it too much and moving on, things should go fairly smoothly for you, comparatively. Good luck.

I always wonder what people think of meeting girls online. I have terrible luck at meeting girls off the net and find it so much easier to get to know them over the net. I know most of my friends shun on meeting girls online so I tend to avoid telling them about someone I’m talking to.

The other problem with the net is it’s so hard to find someone in your area, especially if you don’t live in a city. After many years of looking I’ve yet to find someone in my own state, and I’m not a fan of “long distance relationships”, because they work so rarely. I know there are dating sites out there that give an alright chance of meeting someone who’s looking for a guy and also lives near by, but most, at least in Australia, charge a ridiculous amount just to send messages. I’m fine spending money on a girl, just not $10 a message talking to one.

Allow me to throw my two cents in.

The problem with modern society nowadays is that we are very very secluded and separated. Thanks to television, the Internet, movies, and other forms of entertainment, our society has the dubious benefit of being able to stay inside away from people essentially forever. People in the 18-30 age range, generally the most eligible age range, are secluding themselves away with this technology- I can name numerous men and women I know who don’t even bother going out to social functions- they work, they go home, and they sleep. Unfortunately, this places a hell of a lot of strain on the dating scene- where in years before you could easily find people through various social functions and groups, now it’s gotten a little bit harder, even if you DO go to said functions.

That being said, I have nothing wrong with looking for dates on the Internet. It’s new technology and it’s great. Meeting people online is a great way to connect intellectually with someone before you do physically, and for women, it provides a safe barrier to real life that allows one to (effectually and ineffectually) screen daters. Basically, internet dating websites are now what matchmakers were years and years ago, just much more intelligent and not so creepy. Sure, dating websites are often made fun of and considered creepy, but when you consider the other popular option- going to some bar and hitting on inebriated women/men- it seems sterile in comparison. Don’t be embarrassed you are on a dating website- just be glad your idea of finding a soul mate isn’t finding the drunkest and hottest bird in the bar.

So far as finding women in your area/finding an affordable site, there are some options you have.

First off, yes, there may be a small amount of women in your area. It’s pretty much that way outside of huge cities like New York or San Francisco. The only advice I can give you is to contemplate traveling (long distance relationships work better now than they ever have- just be willing to meet twice a month or so) and find more dating websites. Both of these are hard- the former can be a hit on your wallet and wear your car to pieces, the latter can mean you have to go hunting for free stuff (or, like the former, pay a lot of money). Once you make one profile, there’s nothing saying you can’t copy+paste your ass all over the Internet.

Second off, understand that some of the best dating sites require payment. This is a good thing (in a way). Like World of Warcraft, making people pay for a service, even if it’s $.50, cuts out a HUGE percentage of spam, fakeposts, and other kinds of bullcrap. With increased security like that, you can be relatively assured that the person in the photo is somewhat legitimate- just look at Craigslist if you want an example of what happens when you don’t expect payment. Still, there are plenty of websites (notably OkCupid, one of the more popular ones) that are free-like-beer- check them out.

In any case, good luck. Finding a date, online or not, is a pain.

I’ve had two successful, laid-back dates with a great girl. After the second one, I walked her up to her porch, but didn’t make a move to kiss her. It felt like I missed a chance - I was getting a good vibe from her. Was I too timid? Should I definitely make a move next time (providing it feels right)?

This is one of those really really really tough questions.

Short answer? There is no way to determine when you should kiss. It’s a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Long answer? There isn’t a way to determine when you should kiss, mainly because every girl is different, especially when it comes to stuff like this. Some girls (the more reserved ones, mainly) tend to have a general idea of a number of dates or “time” when it is right- some girls don’t kiss (or screw, for some) before the third date, others do. This also compounds when you take into consideration that she might just not be feeling it, or she may BE feeling it and you just don’t- something like that.

My advice? Go for it, but try to read in beforehand. Is she responsive and close to you? Girls who stay far away from you (i.e. don’t touch you, don’t stay near you while walking, are afraid of grazing against you) are not going to want to be kissed- at least, not too quickly. However, if she’s displaying obvious signs of attraction (lingering, looking at you, not carrying an extreme sense of personal space), you can go for it.

Yes, this is difficult. Everyone has this trouble. I’m not the type to advise asking beforehand (for some, it may be cute, for others, it may be creepy), but just try to be careful and do it right. And make it unexpected, too, that’s always fun for them.

Every so often, I get an e-mailwith some form of internet myth or copypasta that contains what I like to call an “Internet Myth”- that is, a commonly held concept on internet forums and chatrooms that seems to be taken as “fact”. Of course, most of these are anything BUT fact- they are usually fiction, if that at all. With that being said, allow me to get rid of some common myths- and try to inject some reality in the process.

Myth 1: No girls will like you, you are a geek.

Truth: Yes, if you are too geeky, you will repel girls. But in moderation, the right girls will not mind.

This is probably the most common: if you are a geek (be you a gamer, anime fan, or whatever the hell, depending on the forum), you immediately are a social pariah. You will have poor social skills, girls will scorn at you behind your back, and they will always stand you up when you talk to them. They will be able to “smell” the geek on you- and they will ostracize you because of it.

The truth is actually different for two reasons, but like any myth, there is some truth embedded in the fear. Fundamentally, if you are a “super geek” (that is to say, if you basically live and breathe some sort of nerdy passion, such as LARPing or something like that), you will indeed have a hard time finding women- if only because you will not come into contact with them often, and thus you may develop some social anxiety issues. This hits you in two ways, really- not only are the women less available (well, except for your typical wannabe-queen crazies who hang around geeks to feel “special” and be “the girl”), but because these women are unavailable, you tend to develop awkward concepts of dating, social interaction, and generally screw up socially.

The second aspect of this myth is that “all girls” will hate you, which is a massive lie- it all depends on the girls you are using to develop this grandiose assumption. Typically, these kinds of posts will hurt because it will remind the reader about being ignored on an attempt to date a specific girl (a current or past crush) and it will dig in like a knife- thus providing the effect desired.

The truth to all of this? Yes, if you do hole yourself up and do nothing but play video games all day, you will have an issue finding women. Your hygeine and ability to socialize in modern society may deteriorate. However, this does not mean you are lost- in reality, if you moderate your habits (key word: moderate), you will be as attractive as anyone else.

Another bigger issue is that of your “sample” for your decision- that is, that most guys who make decisions like “All girls hate me” usually do so because of one or two specific examples, which is ridiculous (and painfully unscientific). When I get e-mails along these lines, they usually reduce to this issue in one form or another, usually something like this:

• Searching far outside of your social group. A nerdy, geeky guy will probably have a hard time dating “the cheerleader”. It’s not impossible, but if he constantly compares himself far outside of his social group, he will screw up.
• Searching for the impossible or the unlikely. If all of the girls you look for are married or currently dating, you will not fare well. It just doesn’t work that way.
• Searching for the nonexistent. “No 3D girls understand me” is a common variant on this. You will not be able to date if you constantly look for the physical incarnation of some moeblob from Clannad or something like that.

And that’s about it. The key lesson from this myth is simple: every hobby should be in moderation (even guys into “normal” stuff like sports can go overboard) and you should always keep reality in your crushes- because there’s no reason you should make ridiculous determinations like “all women hate me” when you use one or two samples of girls who don’t even exist.

Myth 2: The best way to get a girlfriend/get laid is _____

Truth: There is no surefire algorithmic way.

This myth is just ridiculous for a huge number of reasons.

First and foremost, all girls are different just like all guys are different- this is obvious. There is no easy formula to get a girlfriend- while you can generally make yourself the best person you can and do things in order to facilitate getting one, there is no algorithm that equals girlfriend. Some girls translate certain actions (such as holding doors) in one way, others translate it a different way- and that applies to virtually everything you can do. Dating books/guides can only (pitifully) attempt to prepare you to pick up specific types of women- not always the kinds you want.

There is no best way to “get” a girlfriend- it’s always different depending on the girl. No, wearing a certain kind of cologne, going to a certain restaurant, or driving a certain car will not mean instant-girlfriend. Sure, doing well at a date will be better results-wise- but nothing will be a sure-fire way. Sorry to shoot down your plane.

Myth 3: Everyone is having sex but you.

Truth: Very few people are like you may think. Many are going completely without.

You can thank popular culture for this one, but the Internet has done nothing but expontentially exploded this rumor.

Okay, let’s get this straight: everyone is not having sex. Many couples do not have sex today and operate just fine. Many college students are not having sex- even if they may say they are doing so. Sure, there may be those who go out and party and screw themselves- but that’s a separate group. Even those who you might presume are heavily sexually active may be complete virgins- you are not guaranteed a thing.

This is not a bad thing. Our insanely strict Western Judeo-Christian roots aside, sex is not something you absolutely need- the media tells you so erroneously. You do not “need” sex. You do not have to have it by a specific time. Just because you hold off now does not mean you will become a “40 year old virgin”. In fact, many couples who hold off for sex until marriage (or just don’t go overboard with it quickly) have better relationships, because they built up a solid relationship outside of physical contact and used that as a medium later, not immediately.

This is generally the reason why worrying about the “common male worries” (penis size, potency, etc etc) is ridiculous. You are not expected to be a pornstar in your lifetime.

Stop being a sheep when it comes to issues like this- a lot of the reason most guys assume this is such a big deal is because the media (predominantly movies and music, but other forms as well) stresses it so much. TV shows and movies constantly reinforce the concept that sex is something everyone is having- and it’s always sexy, awesome, and, according to most hyper-sterilized movies, all of about two seconds of choreographed naked grunting. It’s not that, and it’s not necessary. Relax.

Myth 4: You are ugly, everyone else is beautiful.

Truth: Everyone is pretty normal.

One would think the existence of Photoshop would help people understand the falsehood of most photos online.

Sure, there are people in the world who are ridiculously good looking- but those are few and far between. In reality, most people are remarkably normal (thus reinforcing the term normal)- and chances are, you are normal too. You are not ugly, but neither are you model-like. Hell, even models aren’t model-like- if you take a look at any normal model shots (say, undoctored shots from runway shows), actual tangible beauty isn’t a major player anymore.

Yes, magazines such as Men’s Health doctor their photos. Everyone does in that business. Girls obsess over this stuff, and statistics are showing that men are beginning to do so as well- but in most cases, it’s ridiculous. Remember- with a team of talented photoshoppers, cameramen, and lighting professionals, you could look awesome too. It’s all about the money put into the project and the amount of effort put into making you look amazing. If you’ve seen photos of celebrities walking around without makeup on (like, on tabloid websites), you can see this in action.

And on this topic, ignore those who post themselves online in a bragging way. It’s just being harassing and ridiculous. They will grow old like everyone else.

In Closing: For myths I have not covered-

Stop believing what you read online.

Seriously. Stop taking everything for face value. Just because some forum online says that no women will like you does not justify you going overboard. Remember, this is the internet- home of crazies of all brands, who believe all sorts of strange crap. Are you really going to take advice from some anonymous idiots online?

Scrutinize everything you can. Test it for yourself. Don’t believe it on face value. Hell, don’t believe me instantly (I can be wrong often). Don’t stress out over past relationships and make jump decisions or otherwise try to change yourself drastically over small issues.

Just treat everything like politics- always assume there will be some truth, but not until you wade through a whole hell of a lot of bullshit.

Relationships come to an end for a lot of reasons. Perhaps something has come between the two of you or perhaps you just don’t feel the way you used to. Regardless of the reason, you’ve decided that your relationship needs to end and you’re going to be the one to do it.  Break-ups are messy and nobody wants to deal with them, but they’re necessary and it’s in everyone’s best interests (especially yours) to make them as clean as possible. To help you out with this, I’ve separated the break-up process into before, during, and after steps.

Before

The most important thing for you to have as you approach the break-up is a strong sense of conviction. You have to know why you’re breaking up with him or her, and you can’t look back. By all means, it’s perfectly acceptable (and definitely encouraged) to try to work the problems out before you  decide that ending the relationship, but if you get cold feet halfway through the actual break-up then all hell is probably going to break loose.

After you’ve decided that you’re sure you want to end the relationship and you have a strong reason behind it, it can really help to roleplay the breakup with a friend. I know it sounds silly, but if you can predict your significant other’s objections and reason through them, it will make  the actual break-up process a great deal smoother.

You’re going to have to schedule a meeting in order to do the actual breaking up, and this can be tricky.  IMPORTANT NOTE: Yes, you must do this in person. You may not text or email them, and you can’t do it over the phone. Yes, it’s difficult to do in person, and yes, they’re probably going to burst out in tears, but hey, you signed on for this when you thought a relationship was a good idea. Break-ups are never fun, but think of it as the last part of the relationship, and you might as well do it right.

The difficult part of scheduling a meeting is that as soon as you ask him/her to meet you somewhere and have a discussion, they’ll see where you’re going and put up some defense. You can try to disguise your reason for a meeting with an “Oh, it’s such a nice day, why don’t we go for a walk in the park?” but they’re probably going to see through your plan. If they refuse to meet you then you’re going to have some problems, but try to coax them into it. It’s going to be much more difficult if you don’t.  This is the primary reason (and I’ll go into more detail in the next section about this) that I recommend their place as the ideal break-up location, because it’s a place where it’s easy to talk with them alone and doesn’t require them to go anywhere afterward.

During

The primary feature you’re going to look for in a potential break-up location is that the two of you are going to leave separately. If you have to drive him or her home afterward while they’re bawling their eyes out, it’s going to be a very uncomfortable ride. The location can be a semi-public place or a private one.  The middle of a crowded diner is probably not ideal, a park is closer to what you should be looking for.  Their place can work, as long as they don’t have any friends/family/roommates around, and is probably the best choice, as it allows you to immediately leave and they’re not forced to drive home while an emotional wreck.

At some point they’re probably going to ask if the two of you are going to remain friends. Your response here is completely your choice, but it’s difficult to say yes and convince them that the break-up is indeed final, and they’re likely to call you in the following days asking if you want to hang out “just as friends”. Inversely, if you say no, they’re likely to take the breakup even harder, but they’re less likely to try to get back together with you in the near future. Whether to remain friends or not is completely your decision, but on a purely pragmatic level I’d advise against it.

As far as the actual conversation goes, it’s best to lay it out pretty early, instead of talking for an hour and a half about whatever’s important in your lives and then dropping the bombshell. As far as actual phrasing, that’s left to your own discretion. Nobody knows the reasons as well as you, and it would be silly for me to recommend a specific line to feed your significant other.  The specific phrasing isn’t particularly important, but there’s three things you need to make sure you say:

1.  You need to tell them that you’re breaking up
2.  You need to explain why you’ve come to this decision
3.  You need to sound firm and convinced, and like you’ve thought it out (which you hopefully have)

A good example would be “Marissa, I’ve given our relationship a lot of thought recently, and I’ve decided that it’s not going to work out, because we have radically different interests.” Obviously, you’re going to want to substitute your own reason for the terribly vague one I’ve listed, but you get the idea. An important thing to note is that how difficult the break-up is depends primarily on the length of time the two of you have been together. This isn’t something you can change, so it’s best to simply plan for it.

After you’ve gotten your point across, there’s no point to sticking around to watch the carnage unfold, and it’s best to leave as soon as the two of you are done talking.  I’m definitely not saying to blurt it out, turn, and run as soon as you get there, but by the same token it’s not your job to help them plan the rest of your life as their new platonic best friend.

After

How easy the post-breakup will be is usually a direct result of how prepared you were for the break-up itself. If you were uncertain and stumbled over your words while doing the actual breaking up, s/he might think there’s a chance of the two of you getting back together and incessantly call you asking to “just go get lunch” or “just see a movie as friends” which are not traps you want to fall into.

As far as speaking with them in the weeks following the break-up, it’s probably not a good idea.  I advise against pretty much any interaction for at least a couple weeks, and if after those couple weeks you decide that you want to be friends, it’s much easier to sort out both of your emotions at that time. One or both of you will probably be very emotional immediately after the breakup, and it’s best to give you both time to settle down.

Final Thoughts

No one looks forward to break-ups.  There’s a reason they’re dreaded, and even with this guide, they’re probably still going to be unhappy experiences.  However, they’re also something you get better at as you do it more often.  I know that sounds terrible, but it’s the truth.  It’s not the end of the world if you have a bad breakup; you’ll learn something important and hopefully do better next time.  However, I hope this helps you avoid the biggest pitfalls you’ll encounter, and best of luck.

I recently realized that I’ve never really written an article on generic dating- that is to say, we have a whole lot of articles in our “dating” section, but I’ve somewhat ambivalently ignored the fact I’ve never really touched on how to just date straight up. This, of course, bothers me, mainly because I’m sure a hell of a lot of our readers actually do care about this and have been sitting for the last year or so waiting for an article like this.

Here it is.

Dating is, essentially, the dance of trying to get to know a girl better and start romance- it’s that simple. Be it going out to a movie theater, going to dinner, or doing something much more ostentatious, dating is simply trying to set off the spark that is romance. Ignore all those little idioms you hear from different Disney movies and Lifetime TV commercials- dating is just dating.

The first thing you need to know about dating is that, simply put, dating is an excuse to get to know your partner and to connect on an emotional level. It is, quite literally, a catch-all excuse to “hang out” with someone and do something together. Dating is not about what you are doing so much as it is who you are doing it with. Dates can be as simple as walking around a park- and while doing that alone is boring and might get you arrested, doing it with a date is considered romantic and interesting. The goal, of course, is to extract information from your partner, provide information, and then generally try to see how you like each other.

That being said, dating is not something you have to do. Really, because it is a catch-all, dating is simply the nomenclature for the process of trying to get to know each other. It’s a temporary attachment.

With that being said, keep that statement in mind. What I will generally instruct you about is the best way to handle these situations- but they are never the same. Undoubtedly, you will have to formulate your own plan to your own style- but hopefully, with my experience, I can guide you down the path that is dating. Remember, dating is all about getting to know someone- so the goal here is to be the best damn person you can be.

Oh, and before I start, relax. Dates are not as big of a deal as they need to be. I’ve said it on here before and I’ll say it again: date lots of girls and date often. Only with that will you find the girl you really like. Focusing on one single girl and obsessing over her is the recipe for emotional disaster. Be willing to be a “serial dater”- even if it’s just flingy little dinner dates like a highschooler. Don’t worry at all. Unless you’re willing to be confident and not worry incessantly, you’ll always be stuck with awkward dates.

Part One: Preparing a Date

So let’s say you met some nice girl (yes, we’re pretty much heterosexual here) you want to date. Obviously, the first thing to do is probably the biggest hurdle- getting a date.

First of all, do some light planning. It’s always best to be prepared, so try to get an idea of your date before you make any moves. Is she a theatre buff? Take her to a play. Is she into music? Try to take her to a live music club or something. Essentially, try to come up with an idea that fits her like a glove- don’t just ask her on a “dinner and a movie” date unless she’s up for it.

Of course, I said light planning, not obsessive intricate militaristic planning. Don’t get some sort of hard and fast idea in your head and push it- just get an idea of some sort. In the long run, you should be able to compose the following sentence:

“Hey ______, would you be interested in going to _______ at _________? I’d like to go, ________ (it might be fun, etc)”.

That’s really it. Don’t make a reservation, plan it already, or just do something ridiculously overdone like that. Never make it an excuse- if you want to go with someone, don’t act like you’ll take them along- make it clear you want to take them and you want to enjoy their company.

That’s all you need for pre-planning. Just ask the girl after that. You see, at this point, you should always be flexible- trust me, you are rarely going to be able to definitively guess a time when she is genuinely free, so try to be open to change.

Addendum: Asking a Girl Out

I usually get this e-mailed to me as a question, so let’s go ahead and cover this.

First off, most women absolutely hate ridiculously complex or contrived things. They also hate falsely fake things. Hell, all in all, there is only one way to do it:

Just do it.

That’s it. During a conversation, slip it in or something. This is not a marriage proposal, don’t treat it like it’s some sort of world changing event. Just ask. If she says no, move on- otherwise, be happy and keep on going. It’s really that simple. The more you worry about being awkward or strange or coming across as “geeky”, the more you actually will. As silly as it sounds, firing from the hip is usually much more effective.

Part Two: Preparing a Date Part II: Wrath of Preparing a Date

Okay, so let’s say the girl has accepted (lucky you). This is when you need to kick into planning mode- and this time, it won’t hurt to go a bit overboard in some respects.

The first rule is to know where you are going and prepare accordingly. If you are going out to dinner, know the menu (generally, menus can be found online nowadays). Know the dress code. If the restaurant is usually crowded, make a reservation as soon as you can. If it’s a production or some sort of other entertainment venue, get advance tickets.

The second rule is to clean up your act, in every applicable way. Before you go on a date, obviously, make sure you are well groomed, well dressed, and ready to go. Most girls tend to lock on to smaller things (fingernails, body hair, etc) if they are dirty, so don’t get lazy. Make sure that your place is clean (in the words of Alfie, “you never know where the day will bring you”) and ensure your car is especially clean (because even if she’s not going to go back to your place, she may need a ride home). Of course, don’t go insanely overboard (avoid being ridiculously clean, as in, don’t make it too obvious), but it’s better to be too clean rather than too dirty.

The third rule is to prepare during the day. Try to avoid doing anything that will screw up the date. Try to make sure your idiot friends won’t incessantly text message you, make sure you don’t have anything else that will interfere. In a more crude way, avoid eating anything that will kill your breath (see: onions) or give you other bodily odors (beans), unless you can handle it. Just avoid doing something incredibly stupid and you should be fine.

Part Three: During the Date

Of course, I can’t tell you what to do on the date (other than “talk when appropriate and do whatever you planned to do”), but I can tell you what will help.

First off, listen and talk and be attentive. Do not try to push conversation in certain ways. Ask questions and be genuinely interested. Don’t slide your eyes down to her cleavage, look around bored, or rant about yourself- people love talking. Trust me, you can learn a lot more by watching her eyes and listening to her words than you can staring at her breasts or looking at the floor or something- though women claim otherwise, guys can be incredibly receptive to smaller details when they want to be.

Second off, be a gentleman and keep your space. She is dating YOU, and obviously you should take advantage of it. This is not prom night, general courtesy demands you hang around with her and be as polite as possible while doing so. Open doors, keep your arm around her when moving through crowds, and generally act as the lubricant to whatever you are doing- make it painless for her. Handle monetary transactions discreetly and quickly- don’t make a big show over paying for a meal or leaving a tip (that’s actually something that should be unspoken and somewhat hidden).

Third off, be intimate without being creepy. Touching is actually a good thing. Trying to cop a feel is not. It’s entirely appropriate to brush against her or touch her hand casually (and I mean casually, DO NOT PLAN THIS)- but it is not appropriate to do it blatantly or otherwise to force the interaction. Avoid making sexual touches (i.e. touching her ass, lower stomach, breasts, upper legs, etc)- it comes off as too manwhore-y. Simultaneously, avoid being the “friend” by hanging on her or patting her on the back. Find a middle ground- and never plan to do it. Let things go naturally.

Finally, know when things get boring. Don’t overextend your welcome. Is she bored at a movie, or is she absolutely begging to go home? Don’t push it- sometimes, it’s best to have a nice short and wonderful date rather than to have a long mediocre one. Leave her wanting more, not feeling full. Of course, you don’t have to end the date if she gets bored- for example, after dinner, you can always get dessert or simply walk around town- but keep things moving. This is where planning comes handy.

Part Four: After the Date

So let’s say you had a slam dunk of a date. Everything went well, you had her interested, and you didn’t screw up (which is 95% of the work, really). What do you do then?

First off, don’t expect sex or, well, anything. Don’t ask her to “come back to your place” for obvious sex- it’s nice to invite her for a drink or something and that’s about it- don’t really expect sex even if she does come back. Don’t ask her if she wants to “fool around”. Don’t try to steal a kiss at the door. By all means, take things as they come (and enjoy them), but don’t force them. By the end of the date, you should know if such a thing is possible. Clearly, if she’s tired and basically clawing to go back to her place, you aren’t going to get anything but slapped if you go for a kiss.

Second off, if there are rules about calling girls back, I sure as hell don’t know them. God bless text messaging- nothing kicks rear like getting a “I enjoyed myself” text only hours after a date or something. Be it instant messenger or by cell phone or by carrier pidgeon, there really is no rule so long as you don’t do it too obsessively. If you don’t know what to do, at least wait one day so you don’t seem stalker-ish.

Finally, relax. You don’t need to obsess over doing a “perfect” date- if there’s anything that can be said about dating, it’s experimenting with yourself in relation to other girls. Even if you screw up, it can generally be remedied- and even if it can’t, some girls find screwups cute (I’m not sure why, but whatever).

Final Points

As many of you probably know, I love having an open spot for bullet points of miscellaneous thoughts and addendum that don’t fit into my articles. So, to close, instead of ending it with a nice little ending paragraph, I will end with some extra points- so in the future, I can always come back and add more and more as I learn more myself. You know. Because I’m lazy.

• The idea of a first date is getting to know each other, not flashing cash. If you’re spending a ridiculous amount of money on a restaurant, event, or god forbid, a LIMO, you are going overboard. Way overboard.
• If she’s coming to your place even for a second, clean it the hell up, ESPECIALLY the bathroom and kitchen. Girls tend to check the bathroom. I’m not sure why.
• In the words of a good much older friend of mine, “A lady will never sleep in an unmade bed”. Learn from him and make your damn bed.
• Dress well for a date, but not too well. Wearing a suit is ridiculous, but do dress up. Dates are fun if only because they are excuses to dress stylishly for no real reason.
• Splitting the check is really only fine in a relationship. For christ sakes, don’t appear cheap. Tip well, too. (Note: This applies generally to the Southern US and more “traditional” areas- if you have a girl who wants to pay half, by all means, spare yourself)
• Dates never have to be in a public place, but most (savvy) girls will not want to do a first (or even a second or third) date in private, like at your place. No matter what you do, remember that a girl coming to your place does not imply sex.

Let me confess. I have a bad habit- I browse Craigslist. No, not because I’m off looking for some “hot chika” to bone, but because I find it absolutely fascinating. Between the poorly written lines and the sexually charged rants I find something amazing- the truth. The unbridled, honest-to-god truth. Craigslist is where you find out about the real underbelly of a community, and really get to learn what people are looking for- and frankly, it’s scary.

But there’s a lot to be learned from Craigslist, especially in the dating scene. m4w (Men for Women) posts are filled with mistakes and errors, but somehow they educate us as to what not to become- and similarly, w4m (Women for Men) posts tell us so much about what to avoid.

So, with no further introduction, I present to you a list of life lessons from Craigslist.

Life Lesson 1: Bad jobs (and kids) are deal-killers.

Yes, this sounds crude, but it’s quite honest- no matter your age, no-one wants to talk to a divorced father of three who works at Wal-Mart, even if he’s a greek god. Frankly, too many men exist in the world who are of the “bad job, bad decisions in highschool/college” demographic, and it seems like they all exist on Craigslist. You can probably find some of your own in your local hometown- just look for the guys with the photos with a Midlife Crisis-mobile (usually a Ford Mustang) and/or a hat to hide their balding hair.

The lesson here? Focus on your life more and other things improve too. Be impressive, not normal. Making good decisions in life and being a straight up normal guy will make you more attractive than being a walking mortgage with a penis. No-one says you have to be a high profile big money attorney, but be something unique- don’t become someone desperately looking for love before their geriatric years.

Life Lesson 2: Some girls are scary.

There’s always been this mistaken assumption that most women are attractive, awesome people. You can no doubt imagine forum posts talking about how “women don’t like me ;_;” or something, ranting about how all women just ignore people because they are all good looking elitests.

No.

Some girls are, frankly, scary. 45 year old married women who are looking for a boytoy are frankly a little messed up. Similarly, 20 year old drug addicts who need someone to be a stable force in their life are a little messed up. On Craigslist, if you have a fake e-mail account or two (which is fun), you can so quickly find out how those seemingly attractive asian girls who are looking for “true love” are really incarcerated nutjobs who want you to be the slave to their master as they talk about furry porn.

Of course, this doesn’t always apply. I know some great girls who use Craigslist- I’m not exactly sure why the hell they do so, but whatever. You can find a diamond in the rough. Of course, you could always theorize if you jump into the New York City Sewer system and sift through enough, you’ll find a diamond ring someone accidentally flushed down- eventually.

Life Lesson 3: It’s all about being everything but desperate.

Desperation is a major turn off- and I mean, one that makes you want to vomit. When guys are desperate, girls know- it radiates from you like bad cologne, permiating every action you make with that disgusting feeling of “he’s doing it for the chicks, and he’s doing it poorly”.

The idea here is, desperation (and, as a subset of desperation, excessive neediness, high demands, foolish presumptions, misplaced arrogance, and the like) comes off with one single message: This guy can’t get other girls, and I doubt I’d want him either. It’s as simple as that.

There’s one guy on my local Craigslist who embodies this example so well I’ve debated about linking him (but I value keeping my own privacy too much anyway, as little of that exists now since some of you internet detectives have been working). His posts are long (as in, five pages on MS Word), needlessly wordy, and scream desperate- including a list of things he “expects” from girls, nicely bulleted in poorly done HTML. On top of that, he includes photos of himself, complete with photoshopped abs after he photoshopped his head on what appears to be a Gap model.

Does that guy sound attractive? Hell no. Girls will not find him attractive. Sure, those six pack abs could be real and he could be the next great maximalist writer (I hate you James Joyce), but that won’t matter because it all combines to be something that appears totally desperate. You can almost hear the heavy breathing.

Life Lesson 4: Your body doesn’t matter much.

For the “legitimate dating sections” (i.e. that-which-is-not-the-sex-section), your body does not matter. Hell, even in the “casual encounters” (i.e. sex) section, body doesn’t matter much. So long as you are reaonably fit and healthy, you are an attractive person.

Check out your casual encounters section (if you can stomach it). RARELY do you see women who actually ask for pictures of your naked body- in fact, your face is #1. Why? Because no-one presumes (or wants) you to be Buff Slabchest, Creatine and Muscle Milk drinking extroidinaire. Most girls are turned on by intelligence and personality much quicker than they are how big you are in the pants.

Of course, there are exceptions. This rule doesn’t apply to size queens, nor does it apply to some women who just demand way too much. Of course, as I’ve said before, I never encourage dating these girls, mostly because for all the standards they posess, even if you can match them up, they rarely meet them themselves. Go for the ones that don’t realize their own good looks, it’s like a party and you’re the only one invited.

Life Lesson 5: Why so Serious?

Stop dating “for serious”. While most people on Craigslist post something to the effect of “looking for no drama/no games”, this is generally read as a sign of “I had a bad relationship and need something new”. Hell, even saying “long term relationship” seems a bit awkward. So what’s a guy to do?

Stop being so serious.

I’m quite honest, here. Stop dating “for serious”. Craigslist is the perfect example of why you should always take everything with little expectations: everyone is lying anyway.

Never expect the girl you’re dating to be “the one”. Never expect a first date to be a show-stopper. If you mess up, don’t dwell on it- just take it in your stride. With around 50% of the world populated with women, even if you make a massive ass of yourself on a date (purposefully or accidentally), you can always make it up later- taking life too seriously will just make those itmes harder to handle.

As I’ve mentioned before in “friend zone” articles, the best way to get over being serious is to just start dating different girls. One date isn’t a signature of a relationship, so give a few girls a shot and see what you like. Don’t expect sex, marriage, or life partnership- just mess around and see what you can do. It’s a good excuse to go out at night, and you always can just stop returning phone calls.

Life Lesson 6: Men are hunters. Get used to it.

No matter if you blame it on the time it takes to have children or simply society’s way of making women act standoffish, the world of dating inevitably sets up women as prey, men as hunters. It is rarely (if ever) the other way around.

That’s about it. Go check out the men-for-women sections, then the women-for-men. See the difference? You have learned. Women are rarely made to actually fight for a date, and they don’t- not on Craigslist nor in real life. Why should they fight for it when it comes straight to their door?

The lesson from this is simple: you have to be the factor that begins the relationship. Relationships rarely fall into your lap, you have to work at them. Sure, ideally, you’ll run into a girl who’s perfect for you with no planning- but hell, even this rarely works. Stack the odds, cheat the game, and get the girl- get ahead of every other guy. If Craigslist is proof, there are very few women as it is.

Life Lesson 7: The world is a very scary place.

Okay, in closing, though I enjoy it in some sense, Craigslist scares the living hell out of me.

Craigslist is a perfect example of why half the world is screwed up. Craigslist proves that if you give people semi-anonymity and a way to vent, you will see the true meaning of the world, pending you actually wanted to see it in the first place. You’ll see wrinkled old women pretend to be 19 year old girls, 40 year old men pretend to be Fabio (or alternatively, pretend to be their favorite NASCAR driver, which is somewhat homosexual in a way), and you’ll see people try to sell you stupid shit for insane prices.

If anything, Craigslist is proof that there’s a nice rotten underbelly to any city. If you find that amusing like me, you’ll find tons of things to read and laugh at- otherwise, take a look and find yourself yet another reason to install a second lock on your front door.

So many relationships are made and broken based on the communication that exists between a man and a woman.  There is one small detail that guys seem to overlook and this is the thing that makes men and women who they are.  We are very different types of beings that operate and think on two completely different wavelenths.  Men have this inate feeling that he is a critical thinker and a problem solver.  Give a man a task and he will do whatever it takes to complete the task all by himself.   Contrary to how men operate, women want to approach situations all at once.  A woman will take everything that is currently happening in her life and she will basically list it all according to priorities.  This is why guys prefer to work alone while women will actively seek to employ anyone who is willing to help.

Readers of this site will undoubtedly, if they haven’t already, go through one of many scenarios with women where they will appear to be illogical and their thoughts inconsequential.  One such scenario in a relationship is the classic I want to talk / I want to relax situation.  When a man has a hard day of work or classes, his first desire is to relax in a way that he can focus his brain 95% on the relaxation and 5% on whatever else is happening around him.  The woman on the other hand has a completely different method for dealing with stress.  The woman is more inclined to talking about what is stressing her which seems like a fantastic attempt at making herself more overwhelmed than she already is.

When the man and the woman enter into this potentially hostile territory, the man will instinctively react in two ways.  First, the man will be frustrated by the woman’s advances.  When a man is stressed, he wants to lose himself in whatever activity gives him pleasure.  Any outside interference that persists, will trigger a defense mechanism that makes him snap at the woman.  Second, if the man initiates conversation with the woman, he will offer advice to her when she starts listing off her problems.  The problem with this approach is that the man simply does not “get it.”  A woman does not talk to her girlfriends to get advice, she simply talks just to talk.

This fundamental difference between how men and women communicate can cause tension and feelings of resentment.  When a man is in a relationship, it’s in his best interest to listen to what the woman has to say.  It’s a simple concept but men and women tend to forget that they are different.  This can also apply to men that are “on the market.”  Despite what this site says about the “Friend Zone” often it is best to be friends with a girl before you initiate the relationship.  The “Friend Zone” while true in some aspects, it is really a horrible guide line for who women see as potential mates.  Don’t even get me started on the Ladder Theory, it has the same horrible ignorance as Mein Kampf and paints an equally terrible picture of who women really are.  If you really want to validate yourself to a girl, it’s not how good you are in bed, but how good you listen to what she has to say.

Every so often, I recieve an e-mail with the same topic- hit-it-and-quit-it books. You’ve probably seen them in the “self help” section of your local bookstore- books like The Game by Niel Strauss, Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, ridiculously huge tomes like The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, and even more “hidden” self-help books such as The Professional Bachelor by Brett Tate. All of these books are rather similar- they bill themselves as masters of the female psyche, with complex diagrams (or terminologies or even straight out pickup lines) that claim to teach you how to be the “ultimate” guy- a guy with a little black book filled full of sex toys ready to make love to him on his beck and call.

These books are virtual powerhouses- making tons of money for the writers, launching them into relative fame- giving them precedent to hold expensive seminars all over the US (and in some cases, overseas as well), claiming to have the true way to fame. These man are making big money trying to teach men how to get laid and get out without relationships- a strategy known now as “Hit it and Quit it”. And they are making big money, too.

So it’s time for me to respond and put my neck out on the line. Instead of being the casual writer I usually am, I’m going to do something bold: I’m going to be one of the first people to tear apart these authors, and I’m going to explain precisely why they are full of crap. Inevitably, when I’m done with this article, I want you to know one single thing: there is no formula for the female mind, nor is there some magical theory that will get you laid. Men who participate in “hit it and quit it” die lonely lives, and while the idea of frequent sex may be illustrious, it’s more of a fantasy than anything else. Without love, sex is nothing more than a hollow shell of what it can be.

Part 1: A Peek into the Popular Books

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. — Woody Allen

Before I begin truly tearing into these books, I think it will be fair for us to examine these books for their face value- and what they bill to customers. So, with no further adieu, let’s take a look at what you may find in your everyday bookstore:

The Game and The Mystery Method by Neil Strauss

Both The Game and The Mystery Method are both the most popular books on the market today- and that’s an amazing accomplishment. Strauss predominantly tells the story of his own “induction” into the society of pickup artists (whom he abbreviates to PUAs), putting himself down in the introduction in presumably an attempt to “level” with his readers. Strauss bills himself as something of a student, the book feeling much like a rendition of Star Wars with the Jedi concept replaced with picking up women.

The real meat of The Mystery Method is simple- “Neg” your target (as in, lower her value in her mind), show value of yourself by being unique and interesting, and the ultimate goal is, presumably, “Same Night Lays”, as the Mystery Method site sells training for. This also includes help with “Peacocking”, a theory which states that you should, among other things, dress extremely ostentatiously (with ridiculous hats, necklaces, etc) to catch attention.

The Game goes so far as to create distinct lists of what you should carry in your “prop bag” (a bag with stuff to pick up women with). In this bag, among other things:

• Gum
• Condoms
• 1 Pencil, 1 Pen
• Dryer Lint (to fake taking it off your target’s clothing)
• Preselected photos
• A digital camera
• Tic-Tacs
• Lip balm, coverup, eyeliner, blotting paper
• 3 pages worth of pickup lines
• Wooden runes for “Rune reading”
• A notebook for numbers (hopefully one per page so the girls don’t pick up on it)
• A glow-in-the-dark necklace (to presumably look like a fool)
• Fake ear and lip piercings (to seem “hardcore”)
• A small tape recorder (to record your failures)

Clearly, Strauss claims to have the ultimate idea (as well as the ultimate mix for your man-purse, I guess). Strauss has sold these books like crazy- and gets good ratings, with over 370 “5″ ratings on Amazon.com.

Double Your Dating (and related books) by David DeAngelo

“Women don’t make sense”. As simple as the first chapter, David DeAngelo sets the tone for his entire book. DeAngelo approaches the subject matter from a much more mysoginistic perspective, claiming that most women are attracted to things like fame, money, and power- and essentially claims that, among other things, the way to pick up women is to act masculine and to develop a “personality” that works with her. In the biggest sense, DeAngelo encourages his readers to throw away insecurities and fears, and to simply be outgoing and masculine.

Of course, this comes with it’s own interesting twist- it expects you to, in essence, entirely change your personality in unique ways. David DeAngelo wants you to draw the women to yourself- make them call you, hang up on them first, but be persistent when the time is right. He also, much like other writers, provides a general list of ways to determine if a woman is interested- from body language to intonation.

Overall, DeAngelo is not pertainedly for the idea of bar pickup routines, but he’s fairly close- he recommends basically just acting aloof and stand-offish, while secretly wanting the sex anyway.

Of course, DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating wasn’t his only work- with numerous books, tapes, and workbooks, he has since extended his realm out to many minute parts of dating- even so far as a tape to work on your “cocky comedy”. DeAngelo is one of the prime abusers of seminars and workshops, holding them all across the country- and he’s making big bucks doing it.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

The Art of Seduction is all about subterfuge- finding a “role” or a personality type and playing it up, teaching what essentially amounts to manipulation. Written by the same guys touting how to gain “power”, The Art of Seduction reads much like a tome on how to dominate others in normal society and, presumably, to seduce anyone they like (or have the confidence to, at least).

One of the main ideas of The Art of Seduction, explicitly stated or not, is that people can and should be exploited if you can figure out how. In a way, that’s the purpose of the entire book- how to teach you to exploit other people for your own gain- in this case, sex, in other books by the same author, power or fame.

Part Two: Advice, and how to not take it.

A leader must have the courage to act against an expert’s advice. –James Callaghan

As someone who writes advice on WellCultured on the time, allow me to insult myself and everyone else in my profession: advice is sometimes wrong and limited to the writer’s experience. When someone tells you that the best way to do something is a certain structure, pattern, or order (even me), you should always take it with a grain of salt- and be willing to re-examine it in new ways. Never take things on face value.

Now, let me go into the details of these books- and why you shouldn’t necessarily be jumping to pay the hundreds of dollars it costs to get their “best’ advice.

First off, let me be straightforward. Women are not algorithms, they have never been and never will be. Using specific guides on exactly how to pick up women (such as charts, pre-made lines, etc) is foolish, and trust me, most girls recognize it. More women are reading these books than the authors would like to admit, and many of them can spot wannabe Pick-up Artists from a mile away.

However, there are some redeeming things to some of these books. Much like I have written about in both the guide and on the main site, confidence and willingness to be a man go a long way with women, no matter the situation. Few women want a guy who is absolutely afraid to talk to her (trust me, if they want that, there are plenty of guys out there)- so I can absolutely agree with the concept that you should be cool and confident.

But does that truly mean you need seminars, tape recitals, and 400-page books? Absolutely not- in fact, having them can hamper your “game” more than anything else. The most obvious issue with inundating your mind with these algorithms and plans is simple- you will be recognized (be it by recognizing your pickup lines or something as ridiculous as your date seeing a dating manual in your apartment). Rather, it can be much worse- you can pick up their culture, something I would not wish on any normal person.

Let’s not kid around- people like Neil Strauss and David DeAngelo are not geniuses at love. They may be talented at the pickup (or simply talented at selling themselves), but their experience only goes so far. Neither men are truly experienced to a loving, kind relationship that can come from serious dating or a true relationship- and that’s exactly why they seem to treat such relationships as an end rather than a beginning. These men only know the attempt at picking up “beautiful women” in an attempt to fill holes in their lives or to lessen insecurities about themselves- not how to manage and maintain a beautiful, good relationship for more than just giggles and sex.

Let me say it straight: these men are misogynistic. Be it that they admit it or not, they make women into items, proverbial rewards to win and notches in their bedposts. Women are simply an opposite sex of men- they are not trophies nor are they lesser beings- and their mental processes are very similar to our own to the point of being remarkably similar (except minor hormonal things). They are not stupid, they are not strange, nor are they confusing: they simply need to be understood within a rational lens, one that does not consider the prime of all relationships to be a one night stand.

Furthermore, seduction is the farthest thing you could ever need. Sure, it’s fun to bandy around with the idea (it certainly makes sexy Vampire stories), but real life love rarely comes from seduction routines. True seduction does not require falsifying your history or pretending- it comes from being attractive with personality and being unique. That’s not saying you should not improve yourself- hell, that’s exactly what you need to do- but falsifying yourself only leads to problems.

One of the best lines I have ever heard on the subject (which we used to have displayed prominently on our guide) is simple: “Don’t wanna pick up hollaback girls? Don’t go to bars and try to pick up girls”. That’s as simple as it can get: unless you want to pick up shallow girls, don’t pick them up with these methods. Virtually every one of the books mentioned above (well, all of them, really) are tailor made to pick up your typical valley girl- not the kind of girl any geek wants (let’s fact it, most of the girls in these situations I’ve met cannot spell, let alone discuss anything other than TV shows)- do you really want that?

Part 3: The no-BS culture of Pickup Artists

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible. -Leslie Nielsen

This section, if anything else, is the most important part of this article.

Pickup Artists are not illustrious people. They are not living and breathing James Bond figures. Pickup artists are people that, simply put, grasp at straws trying to fill holes. They are people who live their lives in the attempt to find love, and they fill that lack of love with one night stands and ridiculous attempts at finding relationships that work.

In a way, the most telling way to understand this is the movie Alfie, one of the movies I mentioned as one of our 15 fashionable movies for men. In both the original film and the remake with Jude Law, the movie shows what the truth is of being a pickup artist- and it’s nothing as illustrious as you would think. Being a pickup artist is always about being someone who is, in essence, a slave to physical needs. Pickup artists take the second seat to true relationships- they are the flings before true relationships.

Let me give you a good example. I knew a good friend who used to consider himself a pickup artist- a man who knew exactly what he wanted: sex. Naturally, we disagreed on the nature and thoughts of women, but I simply enjoyed his company and liked to know what he was up to, if only because I wanted to know when his train would end- and it did. Thankfully, it didn’t end with any (permanent) sexual diseases- but right now, he’s single, physically destroyed, and empty. His pickup routines won’t help the fact that he’s now past the time he can go to bars and pick up beautiful women- and in all of that work, he never picked up someone that actually loved him.

When we on Well Cultured talk about relationships, we talk about love. Sure, we enjoy sex and the thrill of dating and finding new women to date, but you will never hear us advocate one night stands or “flings”. The reason for it is exactly as I explained above: because, simply, one night stands, “peacocking” and “cocky funny” is not a way to live life. Utilize your true personality, don’t fake it, and find a girl whom you can love for more than the physical aspects. You may not completely understand us now, but trust me: when you see people in your highschool or college years in the future, with their third wives/husbands and various personal issues, you will understand: you didn’t need some Pickup Artist’s help anyway.