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The lies of “Hit it and Quit it”

Written by Mr. WellCultured, Friday, July 4th, 2008 in Dating Columns, Sex & Dating

Every so often, I recieve an e-mail with the same topic- hit-it-and-quit-it books. You’ve probably seen them in the “self help” section of your local bookstore- books like The Game by Niel Strauss, Double your Dating by David DeAngelo, ridiculously huge tomes like The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, and even more “hidden” self-help books such as The Professional Bachelor by Brett Tate. All of these books are rather similar- they bill themselves as masters of the female psyche, with complex diagrams (or terminologies or even straight out pickup lines) that claim to teach you how to be the “ultimate” guy- a guy with a little black book filled full of sex toys ready to make love to him on his beck and call.

These books are virtual powerhouses- making tons of money for the writers, launching them into relative fame- giving them precedent to hold expensive seminars all over the US (and in some cases, overseas as well), claiming to have the true way to fame. These man are making big money trying to teach men how to get laid and get out without relationships- a strategy known now as “Hit it and Quit it”. And they are making big money, too.

So it’s time for me to respond and put my neck out on the line. Instead of being the casual writer I usually am, I’m going to do something bold: I’m going to be one of the first people to tear apart these authors, and I’m going to explain precisely why they are full of crap. Inevitably, when I’m done with this article, I want you to know one single thing: there is no formula for the female mind, nor is there some magical theory that will get you laid. Men who participate in “hit it and quit it” die lonely lives, and while the idea of frequent sex may be illustrious, it’s more of a fantasy than anything else. Without love, sex is nothing more than a hollow shell of what it can be.

Part 1: A Peek into the Popular Books

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. — Woody Allen

Before I begin truly tearing into these books, I think it will be fair for us to examine these books for their face value- and what they bill to customers. So, with no further adieu, let’s take a look at what you may find in your everyday bookstore:

The Game and The Mystery Method by Neil Strauss

Both The Game and The Mystery Method are both the most popular books on the market today- and that’s an amazing accomplishment. Strauss predominantly tells the story of his own “induction” into the society of pickup artists (whom he abbreviates to PUAs), putting himself down in the introduction in presumably an attempt to “level” with his readers. Strauss bills himself as something of a student, the book feeling much like a rendition of Star Wars with the Jedi concept replaced with picking up women.

The real meat of The Mystery Method is simple- “Neg” your target (as in, lower her value in her mind), show value of yourself by being unique and interesting, and the ultimate goal is, presumably, “Same Night Lays”, as the Mystery Method site sells training for. This also includes help with “Peacocking”, a theory which states that you should, among other things, dress extremely ostentatiously (with ridiculous hats, necklaces, etc) to catch attention.

The Game goes so far as to create distinct lists of what you should carry in your “prop bag” (a bag with stuff to pick up women with). In this bag, among other things:

  • Gum
  • Condoms
  • 1 Pencil, 1 Pen
  • Dryer Lint (to fake taking it off your target’s clothing)
  • Preselected photos
  • A digital camera
  • Tic-Tacs
  • Lip balm, coverup, eyeliner, blotting paper
  • 3 pages worth of pickup lines
  • Wooden runes for “Rune reading”
  • A notebook for numbers (hopefully one per page so the girls don’t pick up on it)
  • A glow-in-the-dark necklace (to presumably look like a fool)
  • Fake ear and lip piercings (to seem “hardcore”)
  • A small tape recorder (to record your failures)

Clearly, Strauss claims to have the ultimate idea (as well as the ultimate mix for your man-purse, I guess). Strauss has sold these books like crazy- and gets good ratings, with over 370 “5” ratings on Amazon.com.

Double Your Dating (and related books) by David DeAngelo

“Women don’t make sense”. As simple as the first chapter, David DeAngelo sets the tone for his entire book. DeAngelo approaches the subject matter from a much more mysoginistic perspective, claiming that most women are attracted to things like fame, money, and power- and essentially claims that, among other things, the way to pick up women is to act masculine and to develop a “personality” that works with her. In the biggest sense, DeAngelo encourages his readers to throw away insecurities and fears, and to simply be outgoing and masculine.

Of course, this comes with it’s own interesting twist- it expects you to, in essence, entirely change your personality in unique ways. David DeAngelo wants you to draw the women to yourself- make them call you, hang up on them first, but be persistent when the time is right. He also, much like other writers, provides a general list of ways to determine if a woman is interested- from body language to intonation.

Overall, DeAngelo is not pertainedly for the idea of bar pickup routines, but he’s fairly close- he recommends basically just acting aloof and stand-offish, while secretly wanting the sex anyway.

Of course, DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating wasn’t his only work- with numerous books, tapes, and workbooks, he has since extended his realm out to many minute parts of dating- even so far as a tape to work on your “cocky comedy”. DeAngelo is one of the prime abusers of seminars and workshops, holding them all across the country- and he’s making big bucks doing it.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

The Art of Seduction is all about subterfuge- finding a “role” or a personality type and playing it up, teaching what essentially amounts to manipulation. Written by the same guys touting how to gain “power”, The Art of Seduction reads much like a tome on how to dominate others in normal society and, presumably, to seduce anyone they like (or have the confidence to, at least).

One of the main ideas of The Art of Seduction, explicitly stated or not, is that people can and should be exploited if you can figure out how. In a way, that’s the purpose of the entire book- how to teach you to exploit other people for your own gain- in this case, sex, in other books by the same author, power or fame.

Part Two: Advice, and how to not take it.

A leader must have the courage to act against an expert’s advice. –James Callaghan

As someone who writes advice on WellCultured on the time, allow me to insult myself and everyone else in my profession: advice is sometimes wrong and limited to the writer’s experience. When someone tells you that the best way to do something is a certain structure, pattern, or order (even me), you should always take it with a grain of salt- and be willing to re-examine it in new ways. Never take things on face value.

Now, let me go into the details of these books- and why you shouldn’t necessarily be jumping to pay the hundreds of dollars it costs to get their “best’ advice.

First off, let me be straightforward. Women are not algorithms, they have never been and never will be. Using specific guides on exactly how to pick up women (such as charts, pre-made lines, etc) is foolish, and trust me, most girls recognize it. More women are reading these books than the authors would like to admit, and many of them can spot wannabe Pick-up Artists from a mile away.

However, there are some redeeming things to some of these books. Much like I have written about in both the guide and on the main site, confidence and willingness to be a man go a long way with women, no matter the situation. Few women want a guy who is absolutely afraid to talk to her (trust me, if they want that, there are plenty of guys out there)- so I can absolutely agree with the concept that you should be cool and confident.

But does that truly mean you need seminars, tape recitals, and 400-page books? Absolutely not- in fact, having them can hamper your “game” more than anything else. The most obvious issue with inundating your mind with these algorithms and plans is simple- you will be recognized (be it by recognizing your pickup lines or something as ridiculous as your date seeing a dating manual in your apartment). Rather, it can be much worse- you can pick up their culture, something I would not wish on any normal person.

Let’s not kid around- people like Neil Strauss and David DeAngelo are not geniuses at love. They may be talented at the pickup (or simply talented at selling themselves), but their experience only goes so far. Neither men are truly experienced to a loving, kind relationship that can come from serious dating or a true relationship- and that’s exactly why they seem to treat such relationships as an end rather than a beginning. These men only know the attempt at picking up “beautiful women” in an attempt to fill holes in their lives or to lessen insecurities about themselves- not how to manage and maintain a beautiful, good relationship for more than just giggles and sex.

Let me say it straight: these men are misogynistic. Be it that they admit it or not, they make women into items, proverbial rewards to win and notches in their bedposts. Women are simply an opposite sex of men- they are not trophies nor are they lesser beings- and their mental processes are very similar to our own to the point of being remarkably similar (except minor hormonal things). They are not stupid, they are not strange, nor are they confusing: they simply need to be understood within a rational lens, one that does not consider the prime of all relationships to be a one night stand.

Furthermore, seduction is the farthest thing you could ever need. Sure, it’s fun to bandy around with the idea (it certainly makes sexy Vampire stories), but real life love rarely comes from seduction routines. True seduction does not require falsifying your history or pretending- it comes from being attractive with personality and being unique. That’s not saying you should not improve yourself- hell, that’s exactly what you need to do- but falsifying yourself only leads to problems.

One of the best lines I have ever heard on the subject (which we used to have displayed prominently on our guide) is simple: “Don’t wanna pick up hollaback girls? Don’t go to bars and try to pick up girls”. That’s as simple as it can get: unless you want to pick up shallow girls, don’t pick them up with these methods. Virtually every one of the books mentioned above (well, all of them, really) are tailor made to pick up your typical valley girl- not the kind of girl any geek wants (let’s fact it, most of the girls in these situations I’ve met cannot spell, let alone discuss anything other than TV shows)- do you really want that?

Part 3: The no-BS culture of Pickup Artists

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible. -Leslie Nielsen

This section, if anything else, is the most important part of this article.

Pickup Artists are not illustrious people. They are not living and breathing James Bond figures. Pickup artists are people that, simply put, grasp at straws trying to fill holes. They are people who live their lives in the attempt to find love, and they fill that lack of love with one night stands and ridiculous attempts at finding relationships that work.

In a way, the most telling way to understand this is the movie Alfie, one of the movies I mentioned as one of our 15 fashionable movies for men. In both the original film and the remake with Jude Law, the movie shows what the truth is of being a pickup artist- and it’s nothing as illustrious as you would think. Being a pickup artist is always about being someone who is, in essence, a slave to physical needs. Pickup artists take the second seat to true relationships- they are the flings before true relationships.

Let me give you a good example. I knew a good friend who used to consider himself a pickup artist- a man who knew exactly what he wanted: sex. Naturally, we disagreed on the nature and thoughts of women, but I simply enjoyed his company and liked to know what he was up to, if only because I wanted to know when his train would end- and it did. Thankfully, it didn’t end with any (permanent) sexual diseases- but right now, he’s single, physically destroyed, and empty. His pickup routines won’t help the fact that he’s now past the time he can go to bars and pick up beautiful women- and in all of that work, he never picked up someone that actually loved him.

When we on Well Cultured talk about relationships, we talk about love. Sure, we enjoy sex and the thrill of dating and finding new women to date, but you will never hear us advocate one night stands or “flings”. The reason for it is exactly as I explained above: because, simply, one night stands, “peacocking” and “cocky funny” is not a way to live life. Utilize your true personality, don’t fake it, and find a girl whom you can love for more than the physical aspects. You may not completely understand us now, but trust me: when you see people in your highschool or college years in the future, with their third wives/husbands and various personal issues, you will understand: you didn’t need some Pickup Artist’s help anyway.

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23 Responses to The lies of “Hit it and Quit it”

  1. DT says:

    Did it not occur to you that there are men out there that actually enjoy sex without the love?

  2. Rick says:

    @DT
    Naturally, there are; I’ve seen my share of these types of guys that have a live-for-the-moment mentality.
    The point here is that such a mindset won’t lead to true fulfillment in happiness. I have yet to meet a well-lived man who lives this way and is satisfied without thinking “Man, I wish someone would really love me instead of just having sex”. And chances are if I do, he’ll either be single or in some sort of scrambled relationship of which sexual pleasure is the only thing keeping them together.

  3. BM says:

    I agree completely with the article on these books being bogus. But I have to ask myself, “Which has brought me more happiness, love or sex?” The resounding answer for me is sex. No woman has ever brought me anything good with love, and I can get all the love I need from my pet cat anyway.

  4. iopq says:

    “Let’s not kid around- people like Neil Strauss and David DeAngelo are not geniuses at love.”

    Neil Strauss has a hotter girlfriend than any girl you’ve ever dated. Watch his Oprah appearance. That’s right, he’s in a relationship.

    “True seduction does not require falsifying your history or pretending- it comes from being attractive with personality and being unique.”

    What do you have to back this up? If you watch the numerous videos, read their books, they offer proof. What do you have to prove that you’re right and they’re wrong?

    “Let me say it straight: these men are misogynistic.”

    And you’re a bitch. Please ask your girlfriend for your balls back.

  5. anonymous says:

    I was going to post ‘in b4 BAWWWWWWWWWWW,’ but, looking at the post above me…

    in after BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  6. Anonymous says:

    Butthurt iopq is Butthurt.

  7. zoomzoom says:

    article is 100% correct, stop bawwing u faggots because u just realized that the main thing u strive for every day is a useless act to get another notch in your belt that makes you feel like you have accomplished something when you really havent made yourself happy and wont anytime soon

  8. Burakumin says:

    Having already been in plenty of relationships across the spectrum… sex and love, much like anything else, are things that need to come with balance. If you can’t figure out what it is that you want and what would make you happy, then you stand no chance at understanding what other people may want/need/require of you to make that union work.

    As great as sex is, eventually it’ll just become more of the same. You’ll have the thrill for a while before wanting to move on… and eventually lack the allure to obtain it. Then again, that would require thought to understand and that’d be a bit too much to ask for from your average anonymous.

  9. Anon says:

    You know, if you want a shallow cum dumpster for sex, just get some money. Won’t even need pickup lines.

    But if you want someone for real, listen to this man.

  10. Anonymous says:

    This article is far too one-sided. You seem to be of the opinion that any one-night-stand or ‘fling’ is a bad thing, and that commitment and constant relationships are the way to go. Disagree. Okay, I can understand it if you’re over 25, but let’s be honest here, I think most readers are below this age, more around 21, and obviously this isn’t the complete story. Anyway, if you’re below the age of 25, I think it’s a good idea to have one night stands, and ‘flings’. I’m not saying it’s ALL that you should have, but I think to only have ‘proper’ relationships at this stage, and NO ‘less’ serious relationships could be damaging for later years, when you have a mid life crisis, finally realise you never experimented, or lived life a little bit on the hedonistic side when it came to women, possibly leading to a worse situation than if you had actually experimented in your youth. By no means be a misogynist, but for Christ’s sake, have some fun!

  11. Tyciol says:

    I think it occured to him. You can enjoy sex without love… for the moment. However, it pays to look to the future, if that will remain satisfying, or if it might get boring doing things with people without connecting with or respecting them. To always have to put up a facade of false coolness sounds pathetic and sad and boring to me. To become legitimately cool for your own purposes, higher ones than getting vagoo, is the real appeal I think.

    People have bad experience with ‘love’, but it’s probably the kind they throw themselves at to experience love rather than something entered into reservedly without expectations.

    This whole ‘if you’re over 25, if you’re around 21’ stuff is totally stereotyping and annoying. Look, we understand the idea of attachment and drama free sex, but it would nice to at least have a friendship that isn’t going to fall apart from that. Exploitation or manipulation don’t lead to a solid arrangement like that.

  12. Warren Ellis says:

    Actually, I have found happiness in exploiting both women and men.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Does it work, though?

  14. Tyciol says:

    That’s possible, but is it something that’s lasting? I find that while the whole ‘I’m an evil world dictator’ feeling can be enjoyable in the short term, ou get that emo moralfag moment that ruins it, so it’s not a good long-term strategy for happiness.

  15. Anonymous says:

    I just read The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. At the very least, he’s a superior writer to all the others on this list. But I will admit, I felt pretty ill reading it. The bare manipulation of it all is pretty disgusting.

    But, I’m a sad lonely dude who has no other chance of getting laid. Anyway, I quite like the idea of transforming into a rake n’ rogue.

  16. Anonymous says:

    PUA can lead to long term relationship. I find this article almost complete bullshit. And yes, we are mysoginistic, since there is no other possibility when you know nature of women.

  17. Honestly speaking, I too at first was an advocate against books of this sort. Then I actually started to read them. While it is true that most of the gurus and PUA wannabes are fake and selling themselves to make money, a lot of these books actually do help men acheive confidence and social skills that help them in life. I for one am what they call a “natural”. Someone that is handsome and intriguing enough to “pick up” women without the use of these self-help books ad things. However, I’ve seen a lot of men actually become better people by reading books of this sort and implementing some of the advice.
    Now being a pickup artist myself I personally have become a more social person, just like people who read articles on this site. It’s the same concept basically. Go out, have confidence and approach people. Some people do need “canned” material, at least at first, to actually start out approaching women. Then after a time they build enough confidence to let their true personality shine.
    I’m not saying anyone should spend 3,000 dollars to fly to Vegas and have someone talk to them about “Pick up” but some people need it. Not to necessarily become a new person, but to use these books and seminars as a stepping stone to becoming a more social person. Being social and confident also helps in all aspects of life.

    As a sidenote, I personally can’t stand misogynistic people…but hey, whatever works I guess.

  18. Henry says:

    I used “double your dating” and it completely worked for me. After about a year of trial and error, I got my first girlfriend (who loves cocky comedy). And thanks to the relationship techniques I picked up from the book, I was able to avoid breakups for the past 2 years.

  19. anon says:

    This was an interesting, if slightly onesided, read.

    Honestly, I feel that a single true love isn’t necessary for a happy life. By saying that, I’m not saying that random and numerous hookups are the key either. Some people find a much more fulfilling life by focusing on their passions, etc. but most of these people aren’t asexual; therefore, being able to see a girl they’d like to spend some time with, and have a short term relationship with (again, not necessarily a one night stand) is part of an enjoyable life.

    I’ve personally only had experience with DeAngelo’s works, and most of it isn’t as “horrible” as this author makes it out to be. The majority of it is making yourself into a complete person who doesn’t need a lover to feel complete, but instead can enjoy those experiences. It’s pretty interesting stuff, and as long as you take it with a grain of salt and integrate it into who you are, you might find yourself coming out as a stronger person. Good stuff, whether you want to be a pickup artist or not.

  20. Jay says:

    Did it not occur to anyone here that the art of pick up isn’t just about sex? There are women out there who are shallow and if a nice guy asks them if he can buy them a drink, guess what? They shoot him down. Rejected. He’s a nice guy, heck he’s most likely different and interesting and for all that girl knows, he could have been the best match ever for her. Everything she wants and needs from a guy. But I guess she will never no. Life isn’t like the fucking movies! Since I was a child, my mother always taught me to be nice and respectful to everyone, and treat others how you want to be treated. I always did it and suffered sever bulling my entire childhood. I never had a girlfriend until i was 17. I had 4 relationships, kissed 4 girls, and slept with 2 girls all by the time I was 22. They were all my best friends before we went out because I just did not have the confidence to go out and meet a woman. What would I say? Do you not know how nerve racking it is for some men to approach a beautiful woman? Approach anxiety is one of the most horrible feelings you can feel in your life. I used to go out and end up going home early because I couldn’t speak to women and when I did, I didn’t know what to say and they were very rude to me. It just made me depressed. This woman called Emily. I thought she was the love of my life, My best friend since we were 5 years old. We went through everything together. We dated for two years when I was 20. We were engaged to be married and planning a family by the age of 22. 5 months after getting engaged, she left me to get back together with her ex-boyfriend. Who beats her. Cheats on her. Treats her like she is worthless. I was CRUSHED. Everyone just gave me the same fucking BULL SHIT talks ‘You just haven’t met the right one’, ‘She will regret it’. She did regret it but lets fucking face it. SHE STILL DID IT! I did something wrong that made her want to leave me. What though? We never fought, we always did exciting things together, our sex life was great, we both had good careers and were happy. so why? WHY did she do this? To this day. I still don’t know. My friend gave me a copy of ‘The Game’ and since that day my life changed. I became a better person for it. Im still me, only better. Im more confident and social. I know how to talk to women. I know how to handle rejection. I have met some really interesting people and made some GREAT friends and its all thanks to these types of books that I bought and the community I got involved in. Iv slept with a total of 5 women in my entire life, and iv been playing this game for 3 years now. Iv kissed hundreds of beautiful girls, something I never thought id be able to do. Im now 25 and happy in my life. Im in a good relationship and she knows everything about this. She agrees that its a good things for men who are like what I was to read and get involved in this because it helps them become a better person and able to deal with things a lot better. So do not try and say that these books are all sleazy and talk about just having sex with women because there not. Im not saying that people don’t do that, but for fuck sake. PEOPLE DO THAT WITHOUT READING THESE BOOKS!!!! These books simply teach a man how to become a better person at relationships. Some people will use and abuse the knowledge but not everyone does. Every pick up artist has there own goals. Mine was to not let a woman ever control my emotions like a roller coaster again and abuse my love, and no woman ever has. I love my girlfriend dearly and Id love to be with her forever and that is why I plan on proposing to her but if it was not for my friend giving me a copy of ‘The Game’ that day then I would NEVER have had the nerve to approach her that day in the book store. This review is shocking and most likely written by a man who then showed a woman it to try and prove he was Mr Sensitive. Fucking wanker. Did you actually read to the end of ‘The Game’? You know, the part at the end when Neil is involved in a relationship? No. Of course you fucking didn’t because your nothing but a little, ginger, baw-faced, BASTARD! If you really want to slate something then why don’t you get your fucking facts straight first. Dick head.

  21. memegoeshere says:

    U mad, Jay?

  22. KIM THOMAS says:

    what are you talking about. Call me at 903-785-1212 kim

  23. arsenic cupcake says:

    women should be so grateful for books like this, they show women what men are :D! they will deceive, pretend and lie a great deal to get a woman to agree to sex after he has won her trust, and than get rid of her as soon as possible maybe even disrespect her to get her to run faster, the bast part is is that they blame it on the woman XD . I fucking love places like this! I love it when men show their true face so that women can be educated

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