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The Art of the Bar

Written by Andrew, Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 in Alcohol Culture, Culture

So, you want to go out for a night on the town, but have no idea what you’re doing or where to do it? You’re in luck WC reader! It’s actually rather easy to have a great night on the town but do it so that you don’t end up looking like a shlub.

There is a protocol that should be mastered when going to an establishment that serves alcohol. This includes 5 steps:

  1. Find an establishment that would be suitable for your needs
  2. Get into the bar
  3. Determine your drink of choice for that situation
  4. ???
  5. Profit!

First and foremost, it’s important to establish where you want to go before you head out on the town. If you’re lucky enough to be in good female company before you go, I’d suggest avoiding places named, “Dirty Mark’s Electric Pub” or any place similar. In addition, if you live in a big city as I do, don’t ever go anywhere that Girls Gone Wild producers might be filming. Those places are trashy, dirty, and unbecoming of a well cultured individual.

I suggest doing a bit of research about the bars and clubs in your town. Ask your friends that may have gone, check the internet for reviews and opinions of the bar.

Great! Now that you’ve decided what place to go to, you have to get it. Depending on the establishment there may be selective entry. They don’t let losers into certain places just to keep the riff raff out, and the classy crowd in. So, you must dress the part. For a male, the best idea is not to wear jeans. Black slacks are excellent if you’re going to a decent place, and complimented with a Calvin Klein or other good brand dress shirt. A tie maybe over doing it a bit, unless this is a really classy party you’re going to but if you think you’re going to need a tie, you might as well go for a suit jacket as well.

PROTIP: If you arrive with an assortment of women with you, there’s less of a chance that you’re going to be denied entry. It doesn’t even matter if they’re your cousins or sisters. The only thing better than 4 women coming in with you, is 5 women.

Depending on how upscale the bar is should really determine your drinks. I won’t address bottle service at this point, but I will highlight some great drinks starting from the most sophisticated, to the more uncouth.

The character of James Bond is legendary for ordering martinis. Because of this, many guys just think they can go into a bar and get one to look cool. WRONG. If you ask the bartender, “Can I have a martini?” You’re going to look like a retard. There are a few questions that you have to ask yourself before ordering one.

  1. Gin or Vodka?
  2. What brand of alcohol? (Stick with Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray / Grey Goose or Belvedere)
  3. How dry? (Pretty much asking how much dry vermouth to put in it. Very dry has little to none, regular dry has a bit, etc)
  4. In and out? (In and out is when they take the vermouth, pour it into a glass, swish it around, and then pour it out, leaving just a light coating)
  5. Olive or twist? (Olives. 3 of them. Always.)
  6. Do you want it dirty? (Olive juice or no?)

So this is your ideal order: “Dirty goose martini, very dry, 3 olives”

Scotch is also a drink for the cultured anon to consider. You just have to know what you’re getting into. For a blended scotch, you will find consistency. For single malt, you’ll find an adventure. It’s acceptable to water down scotch a bit, just take a sip, and add some water, repeat until it tastes good.

Beer is acceptable only if it’s a more casual place, chances are, if you’re here, you’re not wearing a suit. I highly recommend a few particular beers:

  1. Any form of Sam Adams, but stick with the season
  2. Guinness: very bitter thick beer, not for newbies
  3. Heineken
  4. Corona: Don’t put a lime wedge in it. It’s against man law.

What not to drink:

Cosmopolitans, Jager bombs, Alabama slammers, anything from a blender, etc, etc.

FINAL PROTIP: Don’t forget to tip your bartender! He will remember you if you don’t, which is something you don’t want.

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7 Responses to The Art of the Bar

  1. Anonymous says:

    Scotch (or even just regular whiskey, or Canadian/light whiskey) also lends itself well to sweeter drinks, if you have some what of a sweet tooth. A whiskey sour or a Jack and coke are two simple ways of making a delicious somewhat sweet drink that is also very manly. Also a tip given to me from a very well cultured friend is that sour mix and a cheap bottle of whiskey goes well in any houses liquor cabinet since it’s 1. cheap and 2. sour mix is used for many drinks, and when combined with the cheap whiskey will usually accentuate the flavor making it taste better than it would alone. A jack and coke is just whiskey with coke (jack for jack daniel)

  2. Ejo says:

    Typically, in a more upscale environment I just go for straight whiskey. No ice or anything. Just a glass of whiskey. Beer is the first choice, but I do believe that the company one is in, combined with the actual setting itself has a fair amount of say in deciding what to get. Also, the occasional gin and tonic is a nice change of pace. As far as the beer goes though… Guinness. Ugh. The only people I know who drink that are the ones who run around talking far too much about how Irish they are. Those people, are douchebags. And personally, if I have to “get used” to how a beer tastes, I don’t want to drink it. I drink various kinds of alcohol because 1) I enjoy the way they taste. 2) I enjoy being intoxicated. Not that I get sloppy drunk in public, but you get the idea. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with a good Lager in most occasions.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Not much written here for a informative idea, but maintains well. Only prob I have is the “No Lime Wedge for your Corona”….whats wrong bout that…it actually makes it taste a bit better sometimes, depends if your drinkin Corona or Corona Light

  4. Anonumous says:

    My favorite is a margarita on the rocks. If you are on any kind of budget and still intend to catch a buzz, then I would advise against asking for a “top shelf” liquor. A drink made with a “non-well” liquor can easily cost twice as much. The vodka tonic is another one of my favorites. A vodka rocks is a classy way to get drunk quickly. (Shots do not make you look classy) You must try to get a position at the bar with a bartender who will give you his/her full attention. Pay cash and tell them to keep the change. Tip liberally if you plan to order another drink. This determines how generous the bartender will be when he/she pours the liquor into your next drink. For example: a 2 dollar tip on a 4 dollar vodka rocks will get you a double next time without having to ask for a double and pay 8 dollars.

  5. anon says:

    >>Corona Light

    you best be joking n——!

  6. DEI says:

    Just a quick note here, tipping at a bar is a very distinctly American cultural phenomenon. I live in the UK and it simply isn’t done here, you won’t be treated any worse by bar staff for not tipping.

    • Mark says:

      That’s because y’all have increased taxes on these items and your waiting/bar tending staff are paid much better wages than here in the States. The majority of income for service personnel here comes from their tips.

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