The Art of the Bar
April 8th, 2008So, you want to go out for a night on the town, but have no idea what you’re doing or where to do it? You’re in luck WC reader! It’s actually rather easy to have a great night on the town but do it so that you don’t end up looking like a shlub.
There is a protocol that should be mastered when going to an establishment that serves alcohol. This includes 5 steps:
- Find an establishment that would be suitable for your needs
- Get into the bar
- Determine your drink of choice for that situation
- ???
- Profit!
First and foremost, it’s important to establish where you want to go before you head out on the town. If you’re lucky enough to be in good female company before you go, I’d suggest avoiding places named, “Dirty Mark’s Electric Pub” or any place similar. In addition, if you live in a big city as I do, don’t ever go anywhere that Girls Gone Wild producers might be filming. Those places are trashy, dirty, and unbecoming of a well cultured individual.
I suggest doing a bit of research about the bars and clubs in your town. Ask your friends that may have gone, check the internet for reviews and opinions of the bar.
Great! Now that you’ve decided what place to go to, you have to get it. Depending on the establishment there may be selective entry. They don’t let losers into certain places just to keep the riff raff out, and the classy crowd in. So, you must dress the part. For a male, the best idea is not to wear jeans. Black slacks are excellent if you’re going to a decent place, and complimented with a Calvin Klein or other good brand dress shirt. A tie maybe over doing it a bit, unless this is a really classy party you’re going to but if you think you’re going to need a tie, you might as well go for a suit jacket as well.
PROTIP: If you arrive with an assortment of women with you, there’s less of a chance that you’re going to be denied entry. It doesn’t even matter if they’re your cousins or sisters. The only thing better than 4 women coming in with you, is 5 women.
Depending on how upscale the bar is should really determine your drinks. I won’t address bottle service at this point, but I will highlight some great drinks starting from the most sophisticated, to the more uncouth.
The character of James Bond is legendary for ordering martinis. Because of this, many guys just think they can go into a bar and get one to look cool. WRONG. If you ask the bartender, “Can I have a martini?” You’re going to look like a retard. There are a few questions that you have to ask yourself before ordering one.
- Gin or Vodka?
- What brand of alcohol? (Stick with Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray / Grey Goose or Belvedere)
- How dry? (Pretty much asking how much dry vermouth to put in it. Very dry has little to none, regular dry has a bit, etc)
- In and out? (In and out is when they take the vermouth, pour it into a glass, swish it around, and then pour it out, leaving just a light coating)
- Olive or twist? (Olives. 3 of them. Always.)
- Do you want it dirty? (Olive juice or no?)
So this is your ideal order: “Dirty goose martini, very dry, 3 olives”
Scotch is also a drink for the cultured anon to consider. You just have to know what you’re getting into. For a blended scotch, you will find consistency. For single malt, you’ll find an adventure. It’s acceptable to water down scotch a bit, just take a sip, and add some water, repeat until it tastes good.
Beer is acceptable only if it’s a more casual place, chances are, if you’re here, you’re not wearing a suit. I highly recommend a few particular beers:
- Any form of Sam Adams, but stick with the season
- Guinness: very bitter thick beer, not for newbies
- Heineken
- Corona: Don’t put a lime wedge in it. It’s against man law.
What not to drink:
Cosmopolitans, Jager bombs, Alabama slammers, anything from a blender, etc, etc.
FINAL PROTIP: Don’t forget to tip your bartender! He will remember you if you don’t, which is something you don’t want.