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I’m a guy with pretty much no experience in the clubbing or rave scenes, but they sound fun.

Do you think you could write a guide on club etiquette? How to dress, what to expect, how to approach people you want to dance with, etc…

Sure! I’m probably going to write something much longer/more detailed, but let me get the big points out in this answer.

Clothing

One of the most important things (both for getting into a club and surviving one) is dressing right. Most guys get this wrong, so if you get this right, your life will be exponentially easier.

Focus on (1) classy, (2) sturdy, and (3) appropriate clothes.

“Classy” here means appropriate and reasonable, meaning button-down shirts, pants other than jeans (unless you have some really killer-appropriate dark jeans), decent dressy/classy shoes, and the like. Under no circumstances should you ever wear just a t-shirt, sandals, shorts, or the like — not only will you probably not get in (bouncers hate that crap), but you’ll look like a tool. Polo shirts are sometimes appropriate, but be careful — the more you look like a drunk Georgetown student wearing Polo Ralph Lauren, the less likely classier places will let you in.

“Sturdy” here is obvious: wear someting that can take abuse. This generally means clothing you feel like you could roll around on the floor in — avoid suits and similar outfits. Invariably, most of the stuff you wear will have alcohol spilled on it at some point, so make damn sure its washable as well. Also, whatever shoes you wear, make damn sure they have a decent sole — you never know when you’ll be walking on broken glass.

“Appropriate” here means that you should dress to the club. Classier city clubs tend to prefer dress clothing, even suits, insofar as it looks relatively modern and trendy. For such places, a pair of dress pants and a dress shirt should suffice — a tie would be too much and a blazer is usually too much (and too hot) for the venue. Younger dance clubs tend to put up with a wider variety of crap, but don’t push it — stick with a button-down shirt and closed toe dress shoes of some kind. Raves, for obvious reasons, have their own little world of fashion, but still try to dress like you have some sense — most raves are about showing off the girls, not the guys.

Getting In

The first hurdle you’ll have is getting in. Treat the bouncer with respect, show up with at least one girl to one guy (or with only one male friend), and generally behave yourself. Tipping the bouncer is an option, albeit sometimes a bad one. Worst case scenario, find a group of girls in line and make quick friends, pay the cover charge quickly, and make your way in without any sort of undue effort.

Drinks

Bars at clubs are invariably packed with people, so be patient and polite, and have your money ready. Never open a credit card tab — make the bartender close it each time (it’s time-consuming and annoying, but trust me). Have your money in hand and ready, but never wave it around like a douche: keep it visible, but don’t flaunt it. Tip $1 per drink, at minimum — it guarantees good service.

I can’t emphasize this enough: don’t get drunk. Doing so is lame and appears childish. If you have low tolerance, order a soda or something every other drink, and limit your intake. If you’re around a bunch of pushy drunks, do what I call the “beer trick” — drink a beer down almost to the bottom, and hold the beer at the very bottom. Sip on it — or fake it — every so often. This will allow you to keep a drink in-hand without having to worry about replacing it.

Girls

The rules for picking up women are relaxed at a club, but don’t go overboard.

First off, don’t worry about pickup lines or other contrived crap. Be blatant and be bold. Start talking to random people, and don’t act like you have to invent a reason to do so. A “wingman” is helpful in some contexts, but those who rely on them too heavily are weaklings.

For obvious reasons, don’t go bumping or grinding into women on the dance floor. Approach them where they can see you, smile, and dance — if they don’t seem into you, go away. Treat women on the dance floor like you would an easily spooked horse — keep your initial movements deliberate and where they can see them.

Problems

Learn to identify when a fight will break out and get the hell out. No matter how strong you are, you won’t get out well. Think about it like an RPG: you could certainly take out one or two enemies no problem, but mobs are an entirely different story, and you want no part of that. Remember, most clubs have the cops on speed dial, and most cops are usually two steps away — you don’t ever want to deal with that kind of crap.

Always keep your stuff where you can see it. In a super-crowded and sketchy club, put your wallet in a front pocket instead of a back one, at least temporarily.

If you have trouble with the bitchy friend of a girl you’re talking to, just laugh it off.

Stuff you should never do

Finally, some quick notes of stuff you should never do:

- Never harass the DJ with a request. Be nice to them, just don’t demand stuff. Let them pretend picking songs is hard, it’s how they make money.

- Never take anything offered to you, drug or otherwise. Drinks are okay to accept only if (a) from the bartender or (b) if its been in your sight since it left the bartender’s hands. Roofies aren’t common for men, but other drugs can be.

- Never wear/carry anything too valuable. While it may inhibit your ability to pick up women, even consider foregoing a cell phone.

When many of us were children, we imagined that monsters were in our closet, presumably there to waste time and eat us- but as many of us age, our monsters have gone from the closet to the pantry. While many readers of Well Cultured eat incredibly healthily, some people have some pretty scary monsters in their pantries- things that make them fat and feel unwell. Here are 7 of these monsters- and what you can easily (and in many cases, cheaply) replace them with.

7. Fatty Meats

While most don’t make the distinction, there are different types of meat, and the ones with lots of fat content (especially “premium” meats with lots of marbling) can be incredibly bad for you. The reason for this is pretty self-explanatory: while meats with more fat cook better and tend to be more tender in many ways, they also have a lot more fat per square inch, which is just plain bad for your waistline, no matter how you try to trim them.

Replace it with: Lean meats of any kind- the leaner the better. Ironically, these are usually cheaper.

6. Dressings and Sauces

While it seems common to associate eating a salad with being “on a diet”, salads can often be small calorie and fat bombs, all thanks to the dressing placed on them. This doesn’t apply to just salads, either- many spreads and sauces such as mayonnaise are infamously horrible for you, being packed with sugar, fat, and a variety of other horrible things that will quickly make a salad worse than any hamburger.

Replace with: Vinegar, or a very little bit of olive oil for salads. Mustard is also a great choice for many foods. Spray butter has no calories and only a teeny bit of sodium, which makes it decent in moderation. In the case of ANY spread or topping, less is more.

5. Cola

You’ve doubtless heard this by now: normal sodas, be it Coke or even some arcane cane sugar “Retro” cola, is bad for you. Case closed.

Replace with: Diet soda, or no soda at all. Fake sugar will still spike your insulin, and this can still be bad in some cases, but it is by far the better choice in many respects.

4. Heavy Frozen Dinners

Be it a Hungry Man or a Pot Pie dinner, TV dinners or other “Frozen meals” can be absolutely horrible for you. Most of these pack not only a huge amount of food, but many pack a whole day’s worth of calories and carbs into one big package labeled a single “meal”- meaning you not only eat the stuff, but you eat all of it in one sitting.

Replace with: Healthy frozen entrees (Lean Cuisine, Kashi, etc), or just stuff you cook yourself.

3. Alcohol

Yes, alcohol: the legendary “beer gut” that plagues many men is very often because of beer. No matter how you swing it, the vast majority of alcoholic drinks are bad for you, especially when you drink quite a bit of them in one sitting. To put it in perspective, most of your average fratboy-esque drinkers end up drinking the equivalent of over a loaf of bread in beer in one setting- not exactly good for your health by any means.

Replace with: Light beers. Avoid binge drinking- if you like alcohol, spread it out, and only drink a little at a time. Red wine has demonstrated health benefits, so drinking this in extreme moderation is fine. Consider alcoholic drinks to be like a calorie-laden dessert – only drink it once in a blue moon.

2. White Bread and Pasta

Going right along with the aforementioned beer thing, refined flour-based products- white bread, white pasta, the vast majority of pastries, and the like- are absolutely terrible for you. Losing a lot of their nutritional qualities in the refining process, these items end up being absolutely terrible for you, and often so easily replaced, meaning that you have no excuse to eat them.

Replace with: Whole wheat breads, pastas, and the like. Do NOT go for the blandly labeled “wheat” products, which can often be darker refined flour products- stick with legitimate whole grain whole wheat products.

1. Anything with Sugar or HFCS

Let me be very clear: the debate over Sugar vs. HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup) is largely moot, because you should ideally be consuming very little of the foods they are in regardless of which one is present. Neither is necessarily healthier than the other, and the products they appear in- sweets, sodas, yogurt, bread, etc- are to be avoided.

Replace with: Ideally, nothing. Cutting down on your overall sweets intake is an ideal choice for your health. As for breads, avoid over-sweetened breads (like “cinnamon swirl” type stuff) and focus more on whole wheat options. As for yogurt, try to transition to Greek yogurt, which is leagues healthier and sometimes much tastier.

I’m a freshman at University and I’m being invited to a lot of parties with a lot of drinking. Should I go? Is it bad for class?

The answer is generally a mixture of both no and yes for both questions.

To start this off, observe the following:

Have you ever been charged with any alcohol- or drug-related traffic violations, regardless of when they occurred?

I’ve pulled it from a very common local Law School application. This question, very carefully worded (and copy pasted on all sorts of law/medical/graduate school applications), is a ticking timebomb for most students, for very obvious reasons: a surprising number of students nowadays have judiciary records after graduation, all thanks to drinking, stupid decisions, and other crap. If you answer “yes” to the above question on this specific application, you have to write a long paper explaining explicitly what you did, the details of why you did it, and the punishment you received. It doesn’t matter if you were punished by your University, if the University expunged it, or if the local cops did it- it all matters, you have to reveal it all, and they research it all. Generally, this means you will never get into graduate school.

What does this have to do with drinking? Obviously, quite a bit.

Alcohol can be wonderful. Beer, wine, and other spirits are great. Drinking them is enjoyable, and many of them have a great depth and taste to them. That being said, drinking excessively is stupid and childish, and arguably one of the dumber things you can do in college. For some reason (I have no idea exactly why), most English/American Universities are full of students who feel like the proper way to drink is to get as drunk as possible- and not only does that insult the drink you consume, but it makes you a blabbering, ugly, vomiting, and ultimately problem causing idiot. And yes, many people (especially freshman) get arrested. Things become permanent quickly. And yes, you will have to answer “yes” to the aforementioned question.

Long story short? If you party, don’t drink. If you drink, do so sparingly, legally, and wholly reasonably. Enjoy alcohol, don’t gorge on it like some sort of petulant child trying to behave like an adult. You may be chastised for not being in the “in” group, but trust me, it will be worth it in the end.

Like it or not, parties are an important part of socializing. From the back-alley pubs of a downtown near you, to the smelly dorm rooms of the freshman masses, to the highest alps of the tallest apartment buildings, parties remain one of the best ways to socialize and meet new people. Knowing how to act at parties, and how to react to different situations, is a very good skill. Doing it right will ensure that you have a fun and safe night.

Part 1 – Freshman Year: The Frat Party

Preparation – First off, prepare to wait to get in. I have seen some lines as long as an hour, just to get past the front door. Think about what will be comfortable to wear outside while you wait, but also where you will put all those parkas once you do get in. If you have a friend with a car, you can stash things there just before your grand entrance. Also, most frat parties require a small fee to get in, usually no more than 5 dollars (bring cash), in addition to needing a school ID.

Going with friends is always recommended for a frat party. Going stag, especially if you are female, is very dangerous. If you do have friends, know how much you are all planning on drinking. It is always best if there is a sober one around to help out in case things go south. Always plan on having a Designated Driver (DD) if there is any driving to be done.

Wearing shoes is also a must-do. Most fratboys lay down a tarp or other plastic groundcloth on the ground in this hall of guzzling to prepare for the worst. By the end of the night, it will be a sticky mess as people spill their drinks. Walking barefoot on this unpleasant pile is not fun.

Setting up a sort of “Buddy System” isn’t a bad idea either. Even if you aren’t in the same room with them, knowing that somebody is there with you can be a lifesaver. You know you have somebody to walk home with, and at worst case, to take care of you if things go south.

Finally, make sure to get something in your stomach. Partying on an empty stomach is a bad idea. You’ll get drunker faster, and sicker stronger. Aim for comfort foods with lots of carbohydrates to soak up that liquor, such as bread or rice.

Setting – Most frat parties are separated into only a few rooms of the frat house. The dance floor is where you’ll find the majority of the people. Wall to wall, these moving masses will be putting off enough sweat to drown an elephant. It’s going to be hot, and it’s going to be crazy. It will also most likely be a lot of fun. Don’t be afraid to show off those moves that your mother may have taught you; even simple swaying of the arms and buckling of the knees will be acceptable. People aren’t there because its a dance competition.

Most frats will also have a room dedicated to the graceful art of getting shitfaced. Drinks will most likely include a suicide mix of Everclear and a few gallons of fruit punch to dilute it (commonly known as jungle juice). Everclear runs anywhere from 75-95% pure grain alcohol, so don’t be surprised if it tastes as bad as that description makes it sound. Again, people aren’t there to enjoy the liquor, they are there to get their Bobby Brown on. There will also most likely be a few hundred cans of the cheapest beer in town for those who consider jungle juice too girly for them. Usually, either choice will give you the same results.

Liquor is a limited resource, much like oil in the Middle East, and it does run out. No, it is not appropriate to use a “shock and awe” campaign to sneak in to a back room in search of more liquor. I’d suggest grabbing some alcohol as soon as you get in, and relying on that to get your buzz on. Going back for more liquor, especially if you arrive late, could mean a sober night.

The outside. You will find various things out in the wilderness of a frat house’s backyard. Smokers, kegs, tired females, and migratory trails of men making their way to the back hedges to urinate are common sights. If the bathroom is full, don’t be afraid to join them. Do be afraid if a female follows you out there. Popping squats is generally not acceptable, and, might I add, not very pleasant to witness.

Socializing – No matter who you talk to, people will say that they go to parties to have fun. For all of their stigmas, frat parties are no exceptions. Frat parties are very fun places to go and meet people if you have the right mentality about it. Do not go expecting to have any intellectual forms of conversation. It will most likely be too loud to understand complex sentences from another anyway. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends. Hopefully, you or a friend with you knows other people at the party. Loudly yelling introductions is always fun, and can lead to meeting even more people. Frat parties are great ways to expand your circle of friends.

Be wary however of certain frat stereotypes. Drunk girls are usually exactly what they seem, very drunk, and this can lead to bad situations. If she is literally swaying on her feet, stay away. She most likely won’t remember your name even if you do introduce yourself. There is also a bonus danger of being left the only one to take care of her when she begins vomiting. Overly drunk guys, similarly, can be dangerous. Frat guys are known to be loud, boisterous, and violent for a reason. Unless you want to get a few “bro-fists” in the chest, be wary that a guy who seems like a fun party animal can take a comment wrong and get angry very quickly. I’ve been that guy before, and it is very easy to get angry when you misunderstand something.

Finally, know that meeting women at a frat party isn’t the worst thing ever, as long as you don’t treat it as a date. If you do happen to meet someone you’re interested in, I’d suggest getting to know them better outside of the party. Ask for a number, a name for Facebook, whatever. Just don’t expect things to get hot and heavy right then and there. If she does start to get a little too flirty, she probably isn’t into you for your witty conversation skills.

Protips –

1. Never ever drink from a cup that has left your hand. If you put it down, leave it there. Drinking from an unknown cup could lead to many horrible things. GHB isn’t called the date-rape drug for no reason. Also, taking pills or doing other sorts of drugs that you or a friend didn’t personally bring is dangerous for the exact same reasons.

2. Planning an activity the following morning (or afternoon) is a great idea as well. Everybody loves brunch. Plus, it’s a great place to invite any interesting people you met the night before. Be aware that most people will likely have hangovers, if they did anything right. Plan for a place where the food goes down easy and won’t induce any sort of food sickness (Pancakes good, raw squid bad).
3. If you know one of the people throwing the party, or are affiliated to the frat, bringing something as a gift for the brothers throwing it isn’t a half-bad idea. Giving them something other than jungle juice to drink can make a great impact, and will lead to them inviting you again, and possibly to any special privileges the house provides (secret bathroom, no lines!).

Disaster Situations -

The Drunk Friend. So your bud had too much and is now making a fool of himself, or worse, throwing up all over. Whatever you do, do not leave him there. I repeat, do not leave him. Send somebody to go get the car if you have one, and get him home ASAP. If you don’t have a car, have at least one person walk home with him, as long as that doesn’t mean another stays there alone. Use the buddy system.

The Bailer. Your friend had a bad time and wants to leave your group there and head home early, even though everyone else is having a great time. To make him stay there will only piss him off more, and I guarantee his mood will only get worse. Yes, it sucks, but you should not let him go home alone.

The Un-Bailer. Your friend is having such a great time that he doesn’t want to leave with you, or ever worse, wants to go to a different, “more exclusive party” with a new friend. Just like in the last cases, use the buddy system. Leaving him alone can end up very bad for him. If this new party of his, or the current one he wants to stay at, ends up being something he didn’t expect, he may need some buddy power to get home safely.

The Cops. You and your friends are dancing the night away, when suddenly, you hear a loud knock on the door. It’s the police and they aren’t too happy that you guys are making such a big ruckus. Most likely, a neighbour has called in a noise complaint. It isn’t too serious, but the police do want to keep the noise level down, especially after midnight. They will usually ask to speak to a owner of the house, a fratboy will do as well. The police will either ask them to turn it down, or to end the party. Both will mean that some people get shuffled out the door anyway, fewer bodies means less noise. Though this doesn’t mean the end of a party, it is a good opportunity to leave in a safe manner with your whole gang. Rarely have I ever seen police griefing people about underage drinking, just walk by casually and they know that you’re in control of your actions. What they will be looking for is anybody who needs medical help from drinking too much, or somebody stupid enough to carry around an open bottle of alcohol (illegal in most cities in the US).

Too many guys know about managing their health too late. It’s not uncommon for me to recieve e-mails with questions begging for advice on how to lose a beer gut- or worse, how to deal with dieting after getting diabetes due to bad “gamer” eating habits caught up with them.

Let’s cut the crap for a second. Unlike what fast food commercials and bad American sitcoms would like you to believe, real men are healthy, and they proactively work towards being healthy. Real men do not need a triple-stacked hamburger with extra cheese to be men (because apparently in the world of Hardees, “Man” and “Heart Attack” are synonymous). Sure, we all like good food now and then- but too many guys are buying the concept of health stoicism so much, they end up regretting it later in life.

So let’s cut that out right now. In this article, I’m going to address the very basics of keeping healthy- things you absolutely need to know right now about eating, exercise, and even a little bit of sexual health. You don’t really know how little you know until you think about it.

Fact 1: You need to be eating healthy right now.

Metabolism be damned. I don’t care if you can eat raw lard and stay skinny: eating healthy is going to pay back both now and in the future. Sodas, while extremely tasty, should be sparingly drank, as with alcohol and any other high sugar drinks (this includes Vitamin Water). You do not need a plate loaded with food- eating smaller portions more often is better for your metabolism and it gives you more energy. Junk food (chips, candy, and virtually anything else you can imagine a fat trucker eating) should be eaten sparingly. No-one’s saying you can’t have a good old burger every once in a while- but when you eat them regularly, you WILL get fat- even if right now you aren’t visibly packing on the pounds.

One point about this: once you lose a battle, you do not lose the war. All of us have had days where we have chugged 30 sodas or consumed two boxes of Krispy Kreme- this does not mean you must give up on your diet plan. One of the best dieting plans I have ever heard (which was written in an ancient book about weight training) was simple: eat healthy 6 days of the week, and give yourself a reward on the seventh. Even if you can go all seven days healthily, don’t consider it the end of the world if you eat poorly: just get back on track ASAP.

Fact 2: You need to be exercising right now.

One of my biggest gripes as of recent is that many guys think that “healthy” is the same as “as skinny as humanly possible”. This is not true. Being skinny or underweight does not mean that you are exempt from exercising- exercising is for everyone, no matter what. You should be doing a balanced exercise routine at LEAST twice a week to maintain body health- the effects will be easily noticeable when you begin. Fat or thin, muscular or weak, you need to have a good weight lifting/cardio/stretching routine- not to “get buff” or “get thin”, but just to stay healthy. We will have articles on how to get muscular- but right now, just accept that even if you want to keep a skinny weakling body type (for whatever strange reason you may have), you still need to be pumping some iron, just not 300lbs.

Fact 3: You need to be sleeping better.

I soundlike a hypocrite saying this with my late nights often spent writing articles for Well Cultured, but you need to get more sleep. Sleep is the glue that holds everything together- and trust me, going without will destroy you in ways you cannot even imagine. The lack of sleep will lead to poor mental performance, poor physical performance (this includes sex), and overall poor hygeine. Consequently, oversleeping will make you sluggish and lazy, and in some rare cases (like if you sleep after eating), it can even contribute to weight gain.

Fact 4: Stop masturbating so much.

This doesn’t need to be said in more detail than this: overdoing anything will have bad consequences. While you’re certainly not going to grow hair on your palms, you can easily desensitize yourself, both physically and mentally.

Fact 5: Your skin needs to be treated too.

As I’ve said on here before, I am 110% against makeup of all kinds for men (for women, it is good and sometimes desperately needed). Still, that doesn’t mean you don’t keep care of your skin. If you have acne, purchase a good cleansing solution and use it correctly. If acne is not a problem, make sure to rub some lotion on your hands/face/wherever fairly often. This will not give you skin “like a woman”- rather, it will just keep it from getting nasty.

Also, I’m going to basically send a big middle finger to the paranoid people out there. Get a tan. For most of us pitiful Anglo-Saxons, we are much paler than we think we are- and trust me, even the “pale” actors/models have at least a base tan at all times. Don’t go oompa-loompa orange- just get yourself a bit of sun. It will look (and feel) healthy. Trust me, humans crawled outside for hundreds of years under the sun, going out to the beach once in a while is not going to give you skin cancer- put on some sunscreen and just enjoy it.

Fact 6: Treat your hair right.

Excessive hair abuse (or hair neglect) will make you look stupid. Wash your hair often and this will not be a problem. Don’t get excessive hair coloring done or obsess over heavy product (the more firm the gel, the more your hair is abused, really). While this shouldn’t apply to most of our readers, don’t nuke your hair or do anything crazy- trust me, for some of us, we won’t have that hair forever.

That being said, the second you begin to go bald, go to a good stylist and have her work with it, or just shave it bald. Bald is confident. Combovers are not.

Fact 7: Wear good clothing.

This applies to shoes more than anything else. Wear shoes that feel good and let your feet breathe and walk naturally- avoid wearing sandals or other poorly fitted shoes. Many good shoe stores will now assist you with finding your “fit”, and make getting shoes that feel comfortable and let your feet breathe a breeze.

Also, with general clothing, NEVER go too tight. Fitted is good, skin-tight, blood-vessel-constricting wear is not. I am not kidding when I have heard horror stories about what happens to your package when you wear tight “girl jeans”. Avoid that for your future children, or even just your future sex life.

Fact 8: Shave like you mean it.

When you shave, shave well- don’t just go over your face quickly with no shaving gel, you will get ingrown hairs (and in many cases, cut yourself). Make shaving a pleasant ritual- it’s generally best to do so after showering. Use warm water, lather up with a good shaving cream, and follow the grain of the hair as best you can. Your face will thank you.

Fact 9: Have good posture.

Good posture is confidence. I’m not kidding. Not only does good posture keep you from having to go to a chiropractor later in your life, but good posture projects confidence and strength- so it’s a damn important thing for both your social and physical health.

Okay, let’s do a test right now. If you are sitting down right now, check your posture. Are you leaning back far into the chair, hunched back, or somehow sliding down the chair? Then you have bad posture. While most of us geek types have devised some interesting ways to get comfortable in computer chairs (or beds, or whatever), it’s not good for the back, or even your arms/wrists as you twist and contort to type.

Similarly, even your stance while walking is a factor in good posture. Keep your shoulders back, eyes out, and avoid slouching. The era of the “teen geek slouch” with your hands jammed into your pockets and your eyes at the floor is over. Walk around like you own the floor you stand on.

Fact 10: Keep good mental health.

As silly as this sounds, your physical body also reacts to your mental health. Be it trying to jog a mile or make love to a beautiful woman, if you don’t have good mental health, you won’t have good physical health no matter how hard you try. Keep studying, reading, writing, meeting new people, and keep yourself mentally healthy overall, and you will have a much better time with any of the facts above, bar none. If you are depressed, there is no way in hell you will perform to the top of your abilities: so sort out mental issues with the same fervor you do physical ones. Trust me, it helps.

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One important thing about this list is that it is not in any order- everything I’m telling you is important in it’s own way. While it seems daunting to see such a list full of requirements and demands, trust me- things like these become natural, and doing things like exercising and eating healthy become so commonplace that you’ll forget you ever ate poorly. Focus on each item individually, and eventually your future self will thank you.

So, you want to go out for a night on the town, but have no idea what you’re doing or where to do it? You’re in luck WC reader! It’s actually rather easy to have a great night on the town but do it so that you don’t end up looking like a shlub.

There is a protocol that should be mastered when going to an establishment that serves alcohol. This includes 5 steps:

1. Find an establishment that would be suitable for your needs
2. Get into the bar
3. Determine your drink of choice for that situation
4. ???
5. Profit!

First and foremost, it’s important to establish where you want to go before you head out on the town. If you’re lucky enough to be in good female company before you go, I’d suggest avoiding places named, “Dirty Mark’s Electric Pub” or any place similar. In addition, if you live in a big city as I do, don’t ever go anywhere that Girls Gone Wild producers might be filming. Those places are trashy, dirty, and unbecoming of a well cultured individual.

I suggest doing a bit of research about the bars and clubs in your town. Ask your friends that may have gone, check the internet for reviews and opinions of the bar.

Great! Now that you’ve decided what place to go to, you have to get it. Depending on the establishment there may be selective entry. They don’t let losers into certain places just to keep the riff raff out, and the classy crowd in. So, you must dress the part. For a male, the best idea is not to wear jeans. Black slacks are excellent if you’re going to a decent place, and complimented with a Calvin Klein or other good brand dress shirt. A tie maybe over doing it a bit, unless this is a really classy party you’re going to but if you think you’re going to need a tie, you might as well go for a suit jacket as well.

PROTIP: If you arrive with an assortment of women with you, there’s less of a chance that you’re going to be denied entry. It doesn’t even matter if they’re your cousins or sisters. The only thing better than 4 women coming in with you, is 5 women.

Depending on how upscale the bar is should really determine your drinks. I won’t address bottle service at this point, but I will highlight some great drinks starting from the most sophisticated, to the more uncouth.

The character of James Bond is legendary for ordering martinis. Because of this, many guys just think they can go into a bar and get one to look cool. WRONG. If you ask the bartender, “Can I have a martini?” You’re going to look like a retard. There are a few questions that you have to ask yourself before ordering one.

1. Gin or Vodka?
2. What brand of alcohol? (Stick with Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray / Grey Goose or Belvedere)
3. How dry? (Pretty much asking how much dry vermouth to put in it. Very dry has little to none, regular dry has a bit, etc)
4. In and out? (In and out is when they take the vermouth, pour it into a glass, swish it around, and then pour it out, leaving just a light coating)
5. Olive or twist? (Olives. 3 of them. Always.)
6. Do you want it dirty? (Olive juice or no?)

So this is your ideal order: “Dirty goose martini, very dry, 3 olives”

Scotch is also a drink for the cultured anon to consider. You just have to know what you’re getting into. For a blended scotch, you will find consistency. For single malt, you’ll find an adventure. It’s acceptable to water down scotch a bit, just take a sip, and add some water, repeat until it tastes good.

Beer is acceptable only if it’s a more casual place, chances are, if you’re here, you’re not wearing a suit. I highly recommend a few particular beers:

1. Any form of Sam Adams, but stick with the season
2. Guinness: very bitter thick beer, not for newbies
3. Heineken
4. Corona: Don’t put a lime wedge in it. It’s against man law.

What not to drink:

Cosmopolitans, Jager bombs, Alabama slammers, anything from a blender, etc, etc.

FINAL PROTIP: Don’t forget to tip your bartender! He will remember you if you don’t, which is something you don’t want.

One question fairly prevalent on the forums and in e-mails I’ve been receiving is a rather simple, but very complex question: how to throw a good party. While I obviously can’t magic up answers on how to make an ideal party to suit everyone, I can tell you some general planning tips if you do intend to throw a bash- some of them that may save your rear in the long run.

Know what you want and make it clear beforehand.

This is the number one thing about parties: Know what you want to do and prepare for it. Want to do an 80s party? Then prepare for everything in advance. Try to sit down and get a general idea of who you want to show up, how many people (in general), how much you can spend, and the like. This sounds excessively formal for something fairly simple, but the reason you want to do this is to ensure that you don’t go overboard in any respect. If you live in a house that can only happily accommodate 20 people, then don’t invite 30. If you overcrowd/underfeed/underprepare in any fashion, people will be uncomfortable.

Naturally, this depends on your age and status level. If you’re a teenager, more than likely you’ll be able to get away with cramming a basement. Those around the 20+ range tend to get sick of that and want a little bit more personal space. Once you hit about 21 or so, that childish thrill of “hur hur gotta get together with my buds and drink some beer holy crap we’re hardcore” dies away fairly quickly.

Watch alcohol/noise laws, and make sure you don’t violate them.

Touching on the youth thing noted above, you aren’t 16, your parties do not need to end when the police arrive, so don’t piss ‘em off. Most cops won’t get angry or show up unless someone specifically calls them, so make sure that you don’t piss off neighbors/flatmates too much. For example, if you want to blast music, try to doing it relatively earlier (6p-9p) and then quieting it down when the initial energy dies down- that way, you won’t be pissing off too many neighbors too much. Depending on where you live, you could even tip them off and ask permission- but in general, try not to be a dick in this respect.

So far as Alcohol goes, watch your rear. Here in the great state of North Carolina, you will be essentially martyred if you give underage kids alcohol (or otherwise have them drunk on their own accord or some similar situation), so avoid it it all costs. If a buddy gets wasted at your party, keep him at your place and let him sleep it off- it will be infinitely better than sending him off to an inevitable DUI/DWI. If your group may have underage kids in it, have someone (your unofficial “bartender”) keeping tabs on the alcohol at all times, and try to avoid purchasing kegs or other forms of alcohol that are relatively easy to “steal a sip” from. As gay as this sounds, it’s much better than being hit with a fine or being arrested.

Keep it in your age group/maturity level as much as possible.

Like I mentioned above, know your age group and maturity level, even beyond the alcohol issue. People in their later 20s will typically enjoy alcohol and messing around, but also are going to not want the traditional “cram people in and blast music” junk that teenagers like. Even more so, 30somethings tend to be even more relaxed- to the point where some just enjoy quiet music and wine. You should know your friends and your target audience, and use this to determine your party in general.

For example? If you have some 20somethings, there’s nothing wrong with having video games out- it lightens people up, and it’s an age group old enough that isn’t going to take it too seriously. In general, no matter the age group, you should never presume that people are going to want to show up for the sake of booze and talk- so always have something on-hand. Depending on the group, this means you could do anything from costumes to Twister.

As much as I promote these ideas, don’t ever plan obsessively too much for the “activities” or it will feel like a 6 year old’s birthday party. Have stuff available, and go with the flow, never schedule.

A little bit of good alcohol is always better than lots of bad alcohol, if any at all.

This should have been the title for this article. I don’t care how many kegs you can afford- a little bit of good beer is going to go a hell of a lot better than a whole lot of junk. You are (probably) not 16 years old, you do not need to get excited over alcoholic sludge. As referenced in a current topic on the forums, don’t try to throw a Corona party with Pabst. Don’t buy cheap Margarita mix and expect everyone to think you’re  cultured. Try to buy as best you can for your budget- in general, if it’s a small group, feel free to get good stuff, they will love you.

Oh, and a quick note- if you throw a classy party, boxed wine is not classy. Boxed Wine is like walking into a formal ball with a tuxedo t-shirt on. Actual bottles of wine are cheap now, do not skimp, ever.

Secure your stuff.

This is an easy one: if you have people coming you don’t know/trust, secure your stuff, lock away your valuables, and most importantly, try to keep your bedroom door locked. Nothing is more disgusting than having people doing things in your bed without your knowledge- and trust me, some idiot partygoers will do this at first opportunity. Sure, make couches and the like available, but I would sincerely recommend against providing available rooms. Your choice.

Know your guests.

This is exactly what I’ve said above, but I’ll reiterate: know your people. If you can, try to know everyone at the party in some fashion, even if it’s just as “____’s friend”. For one thing, it will allow you to be sociable- but more importantly, you’ll be able to know people if something goes wrong, or just to ensure people are happy. If a really introverted friend decides to come, you’ll know to make an effort to let them enjoy themselves- and if a really extroverted pervert shows up, you’ll know to keep an eye on them. As silly as it sounds to consider yourself a “host”, some of the best parties are where the “host” knows how to get rid of problems quickly and let people enjoy themselves.

Have something to do (PLEASE).

Talk and booze do not equate to a good party. Even if you make it a “theme party” like a 70s party or some random crap (you could always go geeky and call it a “video game party”), have something available. Like I said above, overplanning feels childish, but don’t underplan: have something to do and everyone will be entertained. For smaller groups, consider watching a movie or playing a stupid game like Twister- for bigger groups, you’re very limited, but can always do preplanned stuff (for example, a contest of some sort, or the like- though typically, for bigger groups, you have to have readied this ahead of time).

It’s hard to tell you what to do, but you know your friends best. Some of the best parties I’ve ever had were 100% alcohol free lan parties, as gay as that sounds- geek is getting more chic nowadays, and most guys (even those of us who consider our lives/work SERIOUS BUSINESS) enjoy screwing around on oldschool video games now and again.

Know when to end (if ever)

This is sometimes the number one rule: know when to end. Too many parties go on until they naturally die out, which absolutely blows. One of the best things you can do is set a natural time limit (say, three hours) and keep it within that range- and maybe whittle it down to a group of friends after that to just hang out. By all means, you don’t want to end it prematurely, but it’s a hell of a lot better than wearing your guests out and watching them get bored. From a mental perspective, they’ll unfortunately consider your party a bore (as people typically only remember the last hour of a party, unless they get wasted)- which absolutely blows.

On that same note, if you’re worried about guys who attempt to hit on girls, don’t- typically, time limits allow opportunities for your aspiring partygoers to invite the girls elsewhere.

Well, there you have it. Feel free to comment with more ideas, or post on the forums if you have any other questions, comments, or concerns.