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I have covered online dating profile creation before for a very big reason: many guys now utilize such services for dating. It’s certainly nothing to be embarrassed about- a surprising percentage of adults now use online dating services of various import to find love, and it’s shaping up to be the new face of dating in a big way. Because of this, crafting an attractive profile is paramount- so here are 6 ways to fundamentally improve your profile and, implicitly, your chances of getting a date in the future.

1 – Have good pictures, improve them whenever possible

I cannot stress this topic enough: have good pictures and make damn sure they are recent, interesting, and flattering. At least one of these pictures should be a good facial shot, and at least one of these shots should be a not-too-blatant shot of your body. Both of these are absolutely essential.

Under no circumstances should you ever post “myspace shots” (odd angles, mirror shots in the bathroom, etc), pictures of yourself that are edited in photoshop, or group shots that make your identity difficult to ascertain or imposing. Never take photos wearing sunglasses, hats, or other items that may indicate creepiness or being in a state of balding. Do not try to show of “the guns”, that’s stupid. The best photos are ones that are flattering and attractive without being staged, usually taken in interesting places or scenarios (meaning you are an interesting person), and ones that, while not blatant about it, show yourself in enough contexts to show your general looks, including your body shape. Feel free to throw in any conversation starting photos, pending they are legitimate conversation starters: pictures of yourself in your mother’s basement in a kimono carrying a katana you purchased online is not a conversation starter as much as it is very excellent woman repellent.

This should not need mentioning, but I will do so anyway: no nude photos or “sexy photos” or anything even possibly related to those categories. For one thing, you will not do them right. For another thing, they are usually not attractive to women for a bevy of reasons. Do not bother.

2 – Detail is nice, but mystery is also important

Yes, you absolutely must put information on your profile: generally, the more, the better. However, there is a limit to the amount of information you can put on- and at a certain point, you seem excessively wordy and really really boring.

The best example most people are guilty of is posting excessively long lists of favorite movies, music, or books. While these are, much like pictures, phenomenal conversation starters, these also don’t represent you very well, and should be kept relatively terse in terms of other information about you. In a very similar vein, do not post long blocks of information about your past relationship history, your work history, your scholastic achievements, or the like. Frankly, no-one wants to read that, and such information is best divulged gradually through conversation, not explosively through huge swaths of text online. Feel free to go into detail about yourself from a wide angle: just don’t go too deep.

3 – Avoid negativity

Under no circumstances should you ever be negative in your profile- that includes any sort of deriding comment, bitchy rant, or even a long list of requirements you have for women.

The reason for this is fairly obvious: negativity breeds negativity, and you want the reader of your profile to come off with a good taste, not a bad one. There is absolutely no reason you should complain on a stupid short dating website profile. If you want to learn the effect of this negativity, go find a girl’s profile with a lot of complaining on it- undoubtedly, you’ll find her stuck-up, slightly unsavory, and possibly even outright bitchy. If you have issues with the wrong kind of women (or men) sending messages to you, deal with them quietly and without much fanfare.

Do not lie and fill the profile with excuses as to why you are on a dating site. No-one believes your friend dared you to go on the website. No-one believes you came on the site as a joke or on a lark. Few will believe you if you say you came on to see who you got matched up with for “laughs”. Be outright and cop to your interest in dating: no-one is being fooled.

Furthermore, avoid posting stuff that most would find aversive. As I implied above, no creepy Japanophile crap. Do not run your mouth about your creepy fetishes, interests, or obsessions. Do not mention mental disorders. Mention diseases only if necessary (always mention things like AIDS, herpes, and the like- pretending they are not there does not make them disappear). Do not imply any sort of Oedipal connection to your mother, or otherwise confess any sort of strange obsession or situational issue. Indeed, you should mention if you still live with your parents and do not have a job or otherwise have colloquially “failed to launch”- just keep the information terse, do not try to weave a sorrowful tale of your own ineptitude.

Also, a quick addendum: under no circumstances should you ever say a phrase along the lines of “I just got out of a bad relationship” or “Looking for a real woman” or “I want something real“. These are all subversive ways of indicating a bad relationship history, which is not only negative, but incredibly off-putting. No-one wants to be a rebound or a “repair girl”.

4 – Avoid stating the pointless/obvious/common

As mentioned above, everyone on dating sites likes to excessively list favorite music, movies, and similar “favorites”. Further, dating websites tropes exist- little phrases and concepts that seemingly everyone says that, after being repeated so ridiculously often, mean utterly nothing in the big picture. Discard them.

You only need to look at other profiles to see what I’m talking about: get rid of phrases like “fun-loving”, topics like how you’re “just a romantic”, boring repetitive crap like “I’m just a laid back person”, and anything else that you see on other profiles. Don’t insert inane inside jokes, pointless “shout outs” to friends, or other things that will be nothing more than stumbling blocks to the streamlined presentation of you. Trust me, if you don’t delete such useless text, other people will mentally delete it for you.

5 – Don’t be hyper-exclusive

Avoid making excessive lists of demands about your potential date. This is not only negative (see above) but also just really really prohibitive to finding interesting people.

It’s not uncommon to see many profiles laden with what are veritable laundry lists of demands, ranging from “must like [sports team]” to “must be a good cook”. These requirements are basically trash: they are ridiculous requirements that really are not necessary in the search of finding a good mate. Get rid of them. No-one finds it clever that you require liking a band to dating you: rather, it looks arrogant and pigheaded, like a child who refuses to play with other children unless they have the same toys. Open up the “range” of possible dates in virtually every sense- ethnicity, age, locale (within reason), political affiliation, and the like. You’ll be surprised the bevy of amazing people you will find.

6 – Be active and aggressive

This is the defining line between the people who end up making dating sites work for them and others who complain about them not working. Aggressiveness is everything.

Do not be, in the terms of the Japanese, a herbivorous man. Sitting around on a dating site expecting women to come to you is a losing battle: the dating world is still very much a hunter-prey system, with men firmly cemented into the role of the hunter. Because of this, you- yes, you- are expected to initiate contact, continue discussions, and pursue dates. When you want a dating site to work for you, if you pay for it or not, you need to be willing to get on often, message people often, change your profile and pictures often (even if entirely arbitrarily), and  generally consider the entire affair an active process, not a passive one. You are not paying a matchmaker; it is entirely up to you to find your mate- a dating site is merely an advanced tool.

So basically, get your butt out there and work at it. It’s that simple.

I’m a recovering Anime fanboy and I’m trying to be more adult. What can I do to myself and my pad to be more mature?

Quite a bit.

First off, let’s dispel some rumors. Unfortunately, like it or not, in America and most other Western countries (as well as in many Asian countries), Anime, Manga, and similar “interests” are stereotyped as being geeky, perverse, and generally bad- something that comes from a long line of creepy subject material. One thing you have to do to really “grow up”, per se, is to understand that stuff like this should be enjoyed in a very limited sense, if at all.

I know that sounds rough, but it’s really a mindset you need to get into. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a passive interest in pretty much anything, so long as you are able to function properly and behave yourself otherwise. Covering your walls with wallscrolls and/or filling your bookshelves with manga is not the way to achieve this.

The first thing you need to do is purge yourself of the very obviously offensive things- pornographic materials and/or just “creepy” stuff. If it’s something that the average 2ch browser would call “moe”, then you should discard of it. This includes, but is not limited to, collections of erotic drawings of any kind, figures, erogames, and other stuff you would not want the average person (say, your boss or someone) to casually see.

The second thing you need to do is think hard about getting rid of basically all of your Anime and Manga. I know it sounds quite destructive to just say “get rid of everything”, but it’s truly the best option. Because of the current popularity, you can make quite a bit of money back by selling such materials on websites like eBay- a great way to make cash back on stuff you already own. Ditch the temptation to hoarde games and other media formats: trust me, in 5 years, you won’t care if you managed to collect every single copy of some sort of Anime DVD or not. It doesn’t matter, you will have better things in life.

The third thing you can do is pretty straightforward along these lines- ditch any classic signs of being an Anime fan. No themed t-shirts, no themed beanies, no branded messenger bags, none of it. No “cute” buttons. No anime character straps. Do not.

Finally, make what you have left palatable. There’s nothing wrong with keeping some stuff you truly enjoy around- but limit the number heavily, and have a reason for keeping the object in question. For example, feel free to keep some old copies of the original Mobile Suit Gundam laying around- it’s geeky, but in a kind of tasteful, ironic, cool sort of way. Having copies of some fanservice anime with huge tits laying on the table is much less so.

Don’t get a bad taste in your mouth and think I’m trying to make you stop being yourself- I’m trying to teach you how to be moderate with your interests. Much like it would be silly to obsess over cars to the point of having a room full of car parts, it is silly to obsess over Anime and Manga like most do to the point of harming their real lives. Reduce yourself down and moderate your interests and you’ll quickly find that it’s much easier to live a “normal” life.

I realized there was something painfully ironic today when I was walking down the street and I saw a few guys (from a local fraternity, I believe) trying to be masculine. Wearing huge football jerseys, horribly baggy jeans and beat up sneakers (seemingly a uniform around here for some guys), they walked around together still trying to maintain a little bit of masculinity- that is, everything they did seemed to scream one loud “no homo”. Of course, this made it almost more painfully ironic, because the more they worked against this self-perception, the more they embodied it- just in a creepy, somewhat anti-self-actualizing way.

And then it hit me. Masculinity has really changed over the years, especially in America- but also in Europe and Canada to a lesser extent. To be “masculine” now, men seem to try to fit into these little ridiculously stupid “gender roles” and do poorly at it- as if loudly screaming for Generic Local Football Team #56 somehow gave them credit for having a penis. Further, everything about them- the lack of decent clothing, the poor grooming habits, their messy vehicle (a truck, go figure), and even their speech continued to scream “I’m a guy”. But somehow it just didn’t hit the mark- for all of the effort and attempts, it just came off as poor, unwashed, and generally boring.

So, it’s time to work against the stereotypes. In this article, I’m going to explain where these nasty little expectations have come from, why they are ridiculous, and how you can work against them- not to come off as a “metrosexual” or something silly like that, but to come off in a confident, suave way.

The History of Masculine Gender Roles, Cliffs Notes Edition

It’s always easy to presume that the way the Western world handles masculinity is normal. This is as wrong as it could possibly be.

Back in the 1940s during WW2, masculinity (and patriotism) were cherished like crown jewels in the West- it was our crutch, a kind of proverbial launching pad that helped mobilize entire nations against each other. And, naturally, images of masculinity and strength began to come out in full swing. Of course, most are familiar with the image of Rosie the Riveter- a kind of self-reliant woman- which was used to encourage women to pseudo-independence to “help the work force” (among other things). But, more interesting for men, it began to facilitate a new kind of man- the grizzled, rough, and unkempt man. Of course, the pictures of American/British heroes were no longer ones of clean shaven strong men- they were of slightly haggard warriors, worn men with leather-like skin and strong hands who were ready to kill for their country.

Of course, this changed a lot. Images of these rough men in t-shirts (standard issue underwear for the U.S. Army/Navy) came home- and it became acceptable to wear. Before this time, men were expected to be clean shaven and well dressed- now the rules were changing. The idea of a muscular man in very little became sexy- and it came back home with the soldiers. Actors like Marlon Brando and James Dean helped them out, giving them a “rough” look- and thus, the sexy badboy was born in the American mind.

Of course, this didn’t really stop the roles from changing there. In fact, stuff got exponentially more interesting.

Flash forward to the 60s. Culture was changing drastically, and so was fashion and the idea of men. Culture all across the Western world became much more liberal and relaxed- of course, hand-in-hand with rampant drug use and anti-war movements. More pertinently, however, was the idea of James Bond- a suave, woman magnet super-spy. James Bond had everything a man wanted- cool technology, great fashion, more sex than a male prostitute with absolutely beautiful women, and the affirmation of an awesome job well done. He quickly became an icon- a kind of symbol for ultimate masculinity.

Jump forward to the 70s. Less of the 60s extremism, but music kept getting better and culture became even more defined- and thus came Dirty Harry. Made in 1971 (so somewhat loosely still part of the 60s according to some), Harry Callahan is a quick tongued man with a huge gun. Harry, following the archetype that would be abused for years to come in horrible Steven Segal movies, is a cop that breaks the rules and the red tape and shoots first- he’s almost an anti-hero. But he’s a badass- and though he isn’t as suave or as sexy as James Bond, he still acts as a cultural icon.

Now the 80s and the era of the hyper masculine. This is the era of the powerful wrestling shows- this is the era of Hulk Hogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone. One of the most powerful images in this era of powersuits is that of John Rambo, the hyper-muscular hyper-violent former Green Beret killing machine. Rambo is essentially indestructible- he talks even less than Dirty Harry, carries a gun three times as big, and wears very little- he’s a bundle of muscle and ass-kicking.

So, what’s so important about this? Well, to paraphrase a recent documentary touching on the topic, Bigger,
Stronger, Faster*, the transition from the 60s to the 80s was absolutely enormous. In simple terms, we went from a country in the 40s that began to flirt with the ideas of the “rough badboy” to a country that, in the 80s on, is now clearly obsessed with becoming muscular and powerful with little words- and in some senses, with absolutely no attachment to females.

But how do I qualify these statements?

Why these roles are so stupid

Let’s take a look at three of the people I just mentioned that are representative of their culture- James Bond (the 60s), Dirty Harry (the 70s), and John Rambo (the 80s)- and let’s take a quick look at what makes them so interesting.

For you movie buffs out there (or those of you that played Goldeneye 007), you probably know that James Bond’s main gun for most of his movie shots is a Walther PPK- a small pistol that is legitimately tiny- a secretive sidearm, not a huge weapon. Bond talks a lot with women, but keeps his words simple and to the point- and he has a legitimate confidence and control over his scenario. As I’ve said before, James Bond is a great character for men to follow- and a pretty damn good role model for the 60s.

Dirty Harry is a big different. With about 4 or 5 inches added to his gun (now a huge revolver rather than a tiny pistol), Harry doesn’t talk as much, and seems to somewhat grunt through his teeth more than anything else. He’s confident and savvy, but not in the direct sense- he’s a rebel, the kind of guy who is really under control only in the sense that very little is under his control.

John Rambo is basically walking steroids (joke somewhat intended). Rambo barely talks and basically solves his problems by murdering them- quite literally. He’s strong and confident, but only in his own ability to make what he doesn’t like disappear. Women are conspicuously absent- he kills men, and women barely really stand him other than in the obligatory sense. His famous gun? A huge machine gun, with a nearly two foot barrel.

So why am I focusing on the guns, the talking, and the women so much? Because that’s what matters. Without sounding like a gender studies professor, there is legitimacy in saying that a lot of the scenarios in these movies are largely figurative- you can read a lot between the lines. Rambo wields a big gun because it is representative of a huge penis- Bond has no need for it for obvious reasons. Rambo is essentially proving his masculinity by having the “biggest”- it’s being contrasted to the small futile weapons of the people against him. Do note how even the knives he uses are absolutely massive. James Bond dresses well and looks nice because he has the confidence to- Rambo and Dirty Harry coddle viewers into thinking they can get away with not dressing well. The nasty caveat to James Bond is that most realize you can’t walk around in tuxedoes and (then) excellently designed clothing all the time- the later movies seem to focus less on class and charm and more on the action, as if such a thing is irrelevant. Women are (essentially) lacking in Rambo and Dirty Harry films as if to infer a fraternity-like “men only” atmosphere, whereas earlier films “blend” better. Face it- Rambo could be somewhat impotent for all we know- we’re simply urged to enjoy his base violence.

Of course, before I get nasty e-mails, I don’t hate Rambo or Dirty Harry. Hell, 80s-era action movies are pretty damn amusing, if only for their corniness. The problem is, simply put, that these movies carry a very heavy cultural weight with them- they are the reason why a lot of our culture is the way it is today. A lot of us as kids saw the Rambo movies and took them to heart- and we learned to emulate and admire our heroes, taking cues on how to act.

Having a big gun like in Rambo or a big car like in The Fast and the Furious is a way to protect against impotence. Wonder why the guy in the Enzyte commercials didn’t have a sportscar or carry a big gun? He didn’t need to (he was too busy being paid to promote what we now know is a BS drug). There is something true about the old adage that many cops like being able to carry a gun to make up for something they lack- and be it a size issue or simply an irrational worry of sexual impotency, it’s very clearly an attempt to protect oneself from lacking.

The worst thing? Practically, a lot of “masculine” things in today’s society are women-free in a way that is almost homosexual. There’s this ridiculous sense that a lot of these masculine things are women-free (think the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” from The Little Rascals)- that is, really “manly” things are forbidden from the female touch. Sure, women can be on the outside of such things (think the horrible female commentators on ESPN), but they never really get to be “in” the club- they simply get to look pretty and stay the hell away when it matters.

The idea here, in a nutshell, is that somehow you can become manly by carrying a big gun, driving big expensive cars, not talking much, and only handling women in the most distant way (which one could say leads to a lot of guys objectifying women and having difficulty with serious relationships). Further, it encourages guys to pretend they are masculine by doing these very things- it can range from something as simple as watching sports because “the guys” do or going overboard and actually developing an obsession for guns or “manly” food.

Of course, these are not things that always mean you are trying to be manly- but if you really sit down and think about it, not all guys are into what they are into out of genuine interest- many just seem to attach to whatever seems to “fit the bill”. The problem with this is pretty obvious- it’s lacking of confidence and it’s just lame.

How to go against the grain

So how do you get out of this nasty trap of “masculinity”?

Simply put, you rationalize and try to break your mind free from the media.

This isn’t saying that you should abstain from what I’ve mentioned before- sports can be fun, and hell, guns and cars are damn cool. The important thing to do, however, is to have a solid reason for liking them rather than just “my friends do”- that is to say, to try to enjoy it for itself rather than doing it because others do.

Don’t build up ridiculous definitions of what “is” and “is not” manly- try to be open. Sure, you shouldn’t go spooning with men in your underwear, but don’t automatically presume “female” things (shopping, musical theatre, design, fashion, dancing, parties, television shows, even certain kinds of music) are beyond your realm- be willing to cross into them. Being willing to go into realms like that is not only really masculine and confident, but it will also help you find women- because that is exactly where they are. You are more likely to find an awesome girl at something like a nice jazz club rather than finding one at a shady bar- that’s just how like works. I know plenty of guys who capitalize on Yoga clubs in this way- one guy for every 30 hot and very fit women is a damn good statistic if you’re looking to find someone.

Of course, I’m not saying you should bend to this whole “feminine male” thing- in fact, I hate that, and I’ve expressed that before. Dress like a man, act like a man, enjoy yourself like one. Don’t paint your walls pink and go around trying to “get in touch with your feminine side”- just be a man and be willing to go anywhere you damn well please.

This idea of “Being a man but being open to women” is a tough concept- too often guys are pidgeonholed into the binary of “woman” and “man” to the point where they think it’s a proverbial turf war, establishing boundaries and territories and killing anyone who crosses them. Instead of thinking of things like certain activities as “female” or “male”, rather consider them neutral territory, and simply something for you to explore.

Being a real man means you have the guts to be able to stand up to a lot more than what we may fantasize men fought- while the adrenaline-packed escapades of John Rambo are impressive, it doesn’t take half the courage or masculinity that actually balling up and taking on responsibility does. Real life is rarely about such clear cut black-and-white worlds as seen in movies- and it’s intensely more masculine to be able to make decisions and stick to them rather than adhering to a bland world of “them” and “us”. In the world of Rambo and Dirty Harry, pulling out a gun and shooting fixes things- but in the real world, that never works. There’s certainly a time to beat someone down and even a time to go into full out killing machine mode- but it’s understanding the other times that matters as well. It sounds stereotypical, but even having the guts to stand up and take responsibility for your actions is infinitely more masculine than pulling out a hunting knife and killing things indiscriminately- no matter what movies may infer.

But let’s make this more simple. Face it: as crazy as this sounds, male ballet dancers are badass mofos, mainly because they get to feel up extremely hot/flexible women all day, and in contrast, they have gallons of testosterone. Ignore the tights. They are just hiding a guy who is so damn bold that they are willing to dress up like cokehead clowns to show off their packages. I doubt even I would have the guts to do that, even if I was promised hot women. So think of it this way- which is more manly?- John Rambo, semi-naked penis replacement toting psychopath who seemingly abstains from the female touch, or Joe, the fairly decent guy somewhere in someone’s Yoga class right now around 40 women who all think it’s great to have a hot guy to look at and would essentially all die to go on a date with him?

I think I’d say the latter. Joe, you lucky bastard.