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Getting the Girl

Written by Mr. WellCultured, Sunday, November 28th, 2010 in Q&As

There’s a girl in my class, whom I really enjoy being with. I want to ask her out, but:
For one, while normally I’m decent when it comes to talking to women, I freeze up around her. And therefore, I can’t really tell her how I feel about her. I mean, we talk every now and then, but whenever the
topic of dating comes up, I always step on my dick. Which brings me to the next issue.
She broke up with her boyfriend about 2 months ago, and doesn’t want a relationship supposedly. How long should I wait to ask, if at all? And should we hang out as friends for a while before I ask?
Finally, she seems interested in another guy in my class. Since he seems indifferent, how should I “make my presence known”, so to speak? So she can slowly warm up to me. I dress nicely and am very friendly,
I guess, but I become very quiet and reserved when talking to her.

I’ll address this issue point-by-point, but the answer to all three is gonna be fairly similar: don’t formalize things so much, relax, and play things by ear.

For your first point, it sounds to me like you’re simply worrying too much about how you behave around this girl. While I certainly understand that you want to make a good impression and say all the right things, your worry is almost certainly tainting your behavior in all of the wrong ways. Don’t be concerned about telling her how you “feel about her” — that’s kinda contrived and overly serious. If there’s anything you should be concerned about, it is being natural around her — don’t fake anything, don’t act differently, and don’t be concerned with confessing your feelings for her. Act naturally, like you do around female friends. She’ll notice if you treat her differently, and that’s not always a good thing.

As for the second topic, ask her out directly, don’t waffle around. Don’t worry about giving her too much breathing time — two months is plenty of time for most people, and waiting longer is just procrastinating. Ball up, ask her out. If you’ve been pretending to be an innocent friend for too long, she’s likely presumed you aren’t interested.

Finally, if she’s interested in another guy, it may be difficult for you to intervene — after all, you’ve been around for a while, and you may very well have indicated disinterest. The best thing you can do is simply ask her out and, if that fails, don’t worry about it too much. In many cases, one of the best things you can do is try to date other girls — it might allow you to relax a little bit and get out of an obsessive mindset, which may (somewhat ironically) make you more attractive to her.

So relax, man up a little bit, and stop worrying about this girl. Becoming overly focused on “getting” a girl is never really the best way to go about things.

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