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10 Rules to avoid becoming the next Zoolander

Written by Mr. WellCultured, Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 in Fashion, The Style Guide, Uncategorized

Everyone knows a few Zoolanders. By Zoolanders, I mean those guys that just exude that special kind of homosexual in some sort of twisted effort to get attention. Be it wearing excessive amounts of Armani Exchange, looking ridiculous in photographs, or just generally acting like a douche, guys like this constantly want you to know how much they love going overboard for attention.

But the question has to be asked- what’s the difference between being Well Cultured and stylish, while not looking like a male model and being really really really ridiculously good looking.

First off, let’s get down some hard facts. Dressing stylishly is not going to make you gay, nor will it ever make you look Zoolander-esque. The difference? It’s everything to do with style and common sense. Sometimes, the small things define the difference between dressing in the new and stylish fashions and going overboard. With that, there are 10 basic rules you can follow to avoid looking like you’re about to go strut down a really really pitiful walkway.

Rule 1: Clothes should be reasonable and never overly flashy (AKA the “One Item Rule”)

There’s nothing wrong with wearing flashy clothing, it’s something that can get you attention- but too much of it makes you a clown. If you intend to dress with something that some might consider ostentatious or otherwise attention-grabbing, do it in a way that it can be accented properly- that is, if you intend to wear an overwhelming shirt, don’t do it with overwhelming pants. Things become more noticeable and awesome if you do so by pairing it with the everyday. The same applies for a lot of fashion things, but in general, keep it to the “One Item Rule”- wear only one thing that’s overboard, if you wear it at all.

Rule 2: You don’t really need to show off your body that much.

The worst thing you can do is run around trying to show off your chest, arms, legs, or something like that. This falls under what I jokingly call the “Hosaka” rule (left) referring to the Anime Minami-ke. Often, showing off your body to everyone in the area really gets you nowhere with women, and not only makes you come across as somewhat cheap, but it also tends to make you look somewhat stupid. Showing off your arms to look “buff” makes you look vain, and showing off your chest makes you look like a bad rendition of Fabio. Always remember: Women are not turned on simply by seeing skin.

Rule 3: Don’t wear excessive jewelry.

Rule 4: Satin should be use sparingly, if never at all.

Actually, never use it ever at all. I think keeping that in mind will spare you a lot of embarrassment. No satin jackets, no satin shirts, none of that shit. If you want to get something with a sheen, go for the sateen shit they sell for shirts, but only sparingly. The general rule of thumb is, unless you sleep in it, Satin is a no-no. There may be exceptions, but I have never seen any.

Rule 5: You should avoid wearing “matching outfits”.

This is again a short rule because it is self explanatory. Never wear a matching pant-and-shirt combo of the same pattern. The only exception to this rule is a suit- and that’s it. Absolutely no patterned suits are allowed, especially that pleather shit that you can still buy that reminds most people of the 80s.

Rule 6: You do not need anything with a Chanel, Louis Vuitton, or similar logo.

It’s for women. No, seriously. What do you think people think when they see your choice in clothes like that The rule of thumb continues to be that you need to focus on purchasing stylish clothes of good quality and not worry about if it’s got “Armani Exchange” plastered all over it or not. Oftentimes, you can get the same thing much cheaper elsewhere, and still look decent whilst doing it. This applies to anything, really- be it a wallet or glasses or whatever. I personally think Chanel glasses look ugly on girls, but I’m not going to go into that- let’s just keep us guys away from the stuff for now.

Rule 7: Stop wearing pink because you think you’re being original.

No, seriously. It used to be somewhat bold and original, now it is stupid and foolish. Give it up. Nothing speaks “this trend is dead” more than walking into a store and seeing tons of pink clothing so guys can match their girlfriends. Somehow, this concept hurts me inside: matching with someone of the opposite sex should have ended when you turned 5 years old. Naturally, I personally believe this applies to virtually any “Easter egg colors” (such as that whitish-yellow) that seems to be popular- stop it. There’s nothing wrong with wearing light colors, but something is horrible about guys looking like easter eggs all during summer, and now into the winter.

Rule 8: Stop posing so much and smile.

You have a great smile. No, seriously. Start smiling.

Somehow, it’s become popular thought that grimacing or otherwise looking straight faced will be “Sexier” or something like that- and it’s not. Looking overly serious will make you look somewhat bland and boring, and it will begin to affect how others see you in society. When you’re in a photo and have the option, smile- you may look odd at first, but strangely enough, you will acquire the ability to know how to look good on camera. Those ever-used “kissy faces” where the subject in the photo pushes out their lips are INCREDIBLY dumb looking, and really do remind me of Zoolander. Smile.

Rule 9: You can be too trendy.

You can go overboard with the  style. One lesson I’ve learned from experience is that if you continue to go overboard all the time, real fashion statements go ignored. Avoid buying all of your clothing in one go, and certainly avoid doing it from one particular popular brand. In general, you do not have to keep up with every fashion whim that comes at you- keep to your senses and you’ll save time and money, and still look good after strange fads like patchwork hats disappear off the face of the earth.

Rule 10: In general, just don’t act the part.

You are not a male model, and male models don’t even act like that. Don’t obsess over your looks, and generally just keep masculine about your life, and you’ll be much more attractive than the alternative. You can eat what you want, you don’t need to obsess about your weight. You can wear relaxed clothing and not feel like you’re committing a fashion crime. You can easily have a day where you just slack off and don’t dress nicely- don’t ever force yourself into the religion of “I must look good all the time”- we all relax.

Premadonnas are not what  Well Cultured is about. Well Cultured is about being, well,… cultured. You do not become a smart or well rounded person by obsessing over something like your looks- so relax and focus on them, but always keep this article in the back of your mind. It is always better to retain your masculinity and intelligence rather than to sell your soul to fashion: people will know.

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