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Being in line to get a drink for McDonalds at rush hour (a time and a place one would not ever recommend for one’s time management/sanity/health), I realized something. Looking around at all the disgruntled employees working their rears off for close to minimum wage, I realized that there was something beautiful about the operation- that everything was organized so well that, about two seconds after I ordered a Diet Coke, a little machine picked it up, filled it with soda, placed it right next to an employee, and that employee immediately slapped a lid on it and handed it to me. Time elapsed: 0:10.

There’s something incredibly interesting about that. McDonalds has the art of effortless quality down- that is to say, despite the disgusting nature of their food, they are so ridiculously efficient that they can pump out virtually anything you ask for- a drink, a burger, fries, that sort of thing- in seconds. While the employees are working their rears off for piss poor wages, it doesn’t feel like that for the consumer- like one of those clever little Rube Goldberg machines, all I have to do is say “Soda” and it comes to me through some intricate process I don’t have to understand. This isn’t just McDonalds, of course- plenty of companies exist like this- from Amazon.com to Zappos to Netflix to even Starbucks. They all “get it”- the idea of corporate efficiency, insane perfection to the point where the “down time” between a request and fulfillment is so small that it’s almost meaningless.

What does this have to do with manners? Everything.

First off, allow me to explain the truth about manners. Manners are, for all intents and purposes, a way in which to divide society with (very arbitrary) standards that allow people to classify proper and improper behavior. Fundamentally, it does not matter if the actions are very logical or not- some are, some are not- but the entire purpose of these rules (generally codified by word of mouth, or more “recently”, by the genius of Emily Post and Judith Martin). These rules, developed through a long history of trial-and-error and flecked with different standards based on different periods of society, provide a kind of rubric for everyone to judge everyone else.

That sounds very cruel, so let me make it more simple. Manners are the simplified way to be nice and make life easy. Instead of wondering endlessly on how to properly greet someone in a business interview, you know that shaking their hand is appropriate. Instead of dry humping the leg of your date to get the point across, you take her on a date and balance physical interaction with comfortable distance.

Manners have always been around in some form or fashion- don’t believe those whom tell you they were invented some time in the Victorian era. Many cultures- Western cultures with Feudal systems, Chinese culture with the development of Confucianism (which is hybridized Manners + Ritual + Religion, but I digress), and it’s always revolved around the same old need to be able to know what to do in certain situations. Face it- the human race desperately clings to algorithms.

Victorian/Edwardian society really brought manners into play because of their spread across the world and strong (if not violently domineering) perspective on class and social structure. Given the nature of manners, you can correctly guess that people then (and even now) used manners as a very powerful way to define those who were “cultured” (i.e. those who were rich) and those who were laymen and the general proletariat, who had no “culture”. Rich, classy, landed people with rich bloodlines had long histories of family with manners who could pass those unwritten, unpublicized manners onto them- those of the lower castes did not, and thus a rift was created. This rift, which some may argue still exists today (and even before the Victorian/Edwardian periods), is still something of a burning thorn in the side of most Western cultures, particularly Americans.

Few guys really understand manners in the formal sense- but they do have an idea of manners, and more than likely, you do as well. Manners do not simply encompass the high brow “what fork to eat with and how many centimeters to place it from the place” crap- they encompass small things you may not even think about- cultural things like looking people in the eye, handshaking, posture, your actions at any form of social function, the way you walk, talk, wear clothing, eat, and even the way you have sex, except I’m fairly sure Emily Post would never have covered that part, classy minx.

The ironic thing about manners is that the rules are entirely arbitrary. There is no real reason (other than tradition) that dictates the proper way to use silverware is from the outside in- it just somewhat works that way (and serves restaurants well in place setting). These also change based on location- some cultures promote the idea of a man holding a door open for a woman (ladies first), some prefer men enter first and escort the lady inside (to verify the safety). Some of these arbitrary rules are slowly but surely phased out (thanks to the advent of deodorant and cologne and daily showers, we no longer are forced to keep our coats on around ladies)- but many stay around just for the sake of existing.

Fundamentally, though, just like McDonalds, the idea of manners and etiquette is to make the world a well oiled machine devoid of any needless hang-ups or issues. The point here is that, by following these little arbitrary social rules, you make life easier- you skip over the needless thoughts and processing in conversation. With manners, we no longer have to have intense debates with oneself over if touching unfamiliar ladies is appropriate- we know the rules, and we will more than likely be slapped if we do not follow them. Basically, even if you try to rebel (say, by grabbing a woman by the chest), you will still be pulled in with the polite response (getting slapped, thrown out, sued, etc).

I should be very careful to say that manners are a very fluid thing. The idea of manners- making this well oiled society- can be construed to mean ridiculous seminars, books, tapes, and the like. Sure, some books are absolutely great on this topic, but the popularity of “manners seminars” and similar workshops that cost $2,000 or more are no more than cash cows for those running them. There comes a point when manners become too invasive to keep the well oiled machine- and paying $2k to a self-proclaimed “manners expert” is generally that point. In the spirit of keeping things easy and short (and to prevent myself from becoming one of those self-proclaimed experts), I’m not going to list off a whole array of good habits and manners in this article- that’s not the point. Sure, I could do so, and I certainly need to do (potentially on our guide)- but that’s only a minor part of manners. If you truly posses the idea of manners and work towards promoting it- that is, helping social interaction be a well oiled machine- you won’t need insanely long guidebooks or rules to live by, even if some are helpful- you will “get” it. Chances are, as I have noted above, you probably already have a good idea of what you should do, depending on your location and culture.

The moral of this story is, to keep it stupidly simple, manners are something that you should understand and use, but simultaneously not be shackled by. The reason companies like McDonalds, Amazon.com and Zappos have rules to be super-efficient is not because of tradition or some arbitrary corporate culture- it’s because it makes money. Manners are to be used in a similar way- as they serve you to make social interactions easier, they should be used precisely for that and no more. The age old rules of manners- looking people in the eye, shaking hands, talking clearly, deferring to women (at least in Western society)- will likely never go old, and serve you incredibly well. The ridiculous stuff- keeping your salad forks so many centimeters away from one another- will rarely, if ever, serve you well in society.

Ditch what doesn’t serve you (or anyone else) well, keep what helps. Making endless rules and regulations about behavior and scrutinizing people based on their adherence? That’s not manners- that’s being a dick. Being understanding and using manners as a vehicle to making life easier for everyone? That’s true manners.

I realized there was something painfully ironic today when I was walking down the street and I saw a few guys (from a local fraternity, I believe) trying to be masculine. Wearing huge football jerseys, horribly baggy jeans and beat up sneakers (seemingly a uniform around here for some guys), they walked around together still trying to maintain a little bit of masculinity- that is, everything they did seemed to scream one loud “no homo”. Of course, this made it almost more painfully ironic, because the more they worked against this self-perception, the more they embodied it- just in a creepy, somewhat anti-self-actualizing way.

And then it hit me. Masculinity has really changed over the years, especially in America- but also in Europe and Canada to a lesser extent. To be “masculine” now, men seem to try to fit into these little ridiculously stupid “gender roles” and do poorly at it- as if loudly screaming for Generic Local Football Team #56 somehow gave them credit for having a penis. Further, everything about them- the lack of decent clothing, the poor grooming habits, their messy vehicle (a truck, go figure), and even their speech continued to scream “I’m a guy”. But somehow it just didn’t hit the mark- for all of the effort and attempts, it just came off as poor, unwashed, and generally boring.

So, it’s time to work against the stereotypes. In this article, I’m going to explain where these nasty little expectations have come from, why they are ridiculous, and how you can work against them- not to come off as a “metrosexual” or something silly like that, but to come off in a confident, suave way.

The History of Masculine Gender Roles, Cliffs Notes Edition

It’s always easy to presume that the way the Western world handles masculinity is normal. This is as wrong as it could possibly be.

Back in the 1940s during WW2, masculinity (and patriotism) were cherished like crown jewels in the West- it was our crutch, a kind of proverbial launching pad that helped mobilize entire nations against each other. And, naturally, images of masculinity and strength began to come out in full swing. Of course, most are familiar with the image of Rosie the Riveter- a kind of self-reliant woman- which was used to encourage women to pseudo-independence to “help the work force” (among other things). But, more interesting for men, it began to facilitate a new kind of man- the grizzled, rough, and unkempt man. Of course, the pictures of American/British heroes were no longer ones of clean shaven strong men- they were of slightly haggard warriors, worn men with leather-like skin and strong hands who were ready to kill for their country.

Of course, this changed a lot. Images of these rough men in t-shirts (standard issue underwear for the U.S. Army/Navy) came home- and it became acceptable to wear. Before this time, men were expected to be clean shaven and well dressed- now the rules were changing. The idea of a muscular man in very little became sexy- and it came back home with the soldiers. Actors like Marlon Brando and James Dean helped them out, giving them a “rough” look- and thus, the sexy badboy was born in the American mind.

Of course, this didn’t really stop the roles from changing there. In fact, stuff got exponentially more interesting.

Flash forward to the 60s. Culture was changing drastically, and so was fashion and the idea of men. Culture all across the Western world became much more liberal and relaxed- of course, hand-in-hand with rampant drug use and anti-war movements. More pertinently, however, was the idea of James Bond- a suave, woman magnet super-spy. James Bond had everything a man wanted- cool technology, great fashion, more sex than a male prostitute with absolutely beautiful women, and the affirmation of an awesome job well done. He quickly became an icon- a kind of symbol for ultimate masculinity.

Jump forward to the 70s. Less of the 60s extremism, but music kept getting better and culture became even more defined- and thus came Dirty Harry. Made in 1971 (so somewhat loosely still part of the 60s according to some), Harry Callahan is a quick tongued man with a huge gun. Harry, following the archetype that would be abused for years to come in horrible Steven Segal movies, is a cop that breaks the rules and the red tape and shoots first- he’s almost an anti-hero. But he’s a badass- and though he isn’t as suave or as sexy as James Bond, he still acts as a cultural icon.

Now the 80s and the era of the hyper masculine. This is the era of the powerful wrestling shows- this is the era of Hulk Hogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone. One of the most powerful images in this era of powersuits is that of John Rambo, the hyper-muscular hyper-violent former Green Beret killing machine. Rambo is essentially indestructible- he talks even less than Dirty Harry, carries a gun three times as big, and wears very little- he’s a bundle of muscle and ass-kicking.

So, what’s so important about this? Well, to paraphrase a recent documentary touching on the topic, Bigger,
Stronger, Faster*, the transition from the 60s to the 80s was absolutely enormous. In simple terms, we went from a country in the 40s that began to flirt with the ideas of the “rough badboy” to a country that, in the 80s on, is now clearly obsessed with becoming muscular and powerful with little words- and in some senses, with absolutely no attachment to females.

But how do I qualify these statements?

Why these roles are so stupid

Let’s take a look at three of the people I just mentioned that are representative of their culture- James Bond (the 60s), Dirty Harry (the 70s), and John Rambo (the 80s)- and let’s take a quick look at what makes them so interesting.

For you movie buffs out there (or those of you that played Goldeneye 007), you probably know that James Bond’s main gun for most of his movie shots is a Walther PPK- a small pistol that is legitimately tiny- a secretive sidearm, not a huge weapon. Bond talks a lot with women, but keeps his words simple and to the point- and he has a legitimate confidence and control over his scenario. As I’ve said before, James Bond is a great character for men to follow- and a pretty damn good role model for the 60s.

Dirty Harry is a big different. With about 4 or 5 inches added to his gun (now a huge revolver rather than a tiny pistol), Harry doesn’t talk as much, and seems to somewhat grunt through his teeth more than anything else. He’s confident and savvy, but not in the direct sense- he’s a rebel, the kind of guy who is really under control only in the sense that very little is under his control.

John Rambo is basically walking steroids (joke somewhat intended). Rambo barely talks and basically solves his problems by murdering them- quite literally. He’s strong and confident, but only in his own ability to make what he doesn’t like disappear. Women are conspicuously absent- he kills men, and women barely really stand him other than in the obligatory sense. His famous gun? A huge machine gun, with a nearly two foot barrel.

So why am I focusing on the guns, the talking, and the women so much? Because that’s what matters. Without sounding like a gender studies professor, there is legitimacy in saying that a lot of the scenarios in these movies are largely figurative- you can read a lot between the lines. Rambo wields a big gun because it is representative of a huge penis- Bond has no need for it for obvious reasons. Rambo is essentially proving his masculinity by having the “biggest”- it’s being contrasted to the small futile weapons of the people against him. Do note how even the knives he uses are absolutely massive. James Bond dresses well and looks nice because he has the confidence to- Rambo and Dirty Harry coddle viewers into thinking they can get away with not dressing well. The nasty caveat to James Bond is that most realize you can’t walk around in tuxedoes and (then) excellently designed clothing all the time- the later movies seem to focus less on class and charm and more on the action, as if such a thing is irrelevant. Women are (essentially) lacking in Rambo and Dirty Harry films as if to infer a fraternity-like “men only” atmosphere, whereas earlier films “blend” better. Face it- Rambo could be somewhat impotent for all we know- we’re simply urged to enjoy his base violence.

Of course, before I get nasty e-mails, I don’t hate Rambo or Dirty Harry. Hell, 80s-era action movies are pretty damn amusing, if only for their corniness. The problem is, simply put, that these movies carry a very heavy cultural weight with them- they are the reason why a lot of our culture is the way it is today. A lot of us as kids saw the Rambo movies and took them to heart- and we learned to emulate and admire our heroes, taking cues on how to act.

Having a big gun like in Rambo or a big car like in The Fast and the Furious is a way to protect against impotence. Wonder why the guy in the Enzyte commercials didn’t have a sportscar or carry a big gun? He didn’t need to (he was too busy being paid to promote what we now know is a BS drug). There is something true about the old adage that many cops like being able to carry a gun to make up for something they lack- and be it a size issue or simply an irrational worry of sexual impotency, it’s very clearly an attempt to protect oneself from lacking.

The worst thing? Practically, a lot of “masculine” things in today’s society are women-free in a way that is almost homosexual. There’s this ridiculous sense that a lot of these masculine things are women-free (think the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” from The Little Rascals)- that is, really “manly” things are forbidden from the female touch. Sure, women can be on the outside of such things (think the horrible female commentators on ESPN), but they never really get to be “in” the club- they simply get to look pretty and stay the hell away when it matters.

The idea here, in a nutshell, is that somehow you can become manly by carrying a big gun, driving big expensive cars, not talking much, and only handling women in the most distant way (which one could say leads to a lot of guys objectifying women and having difficulty with serious relationships). Further, it encourages guys to pretend they are masculine by doing these very things- it can range from something as simple as watching sports because “the guys” do or going overboard and actually developing an obsession for guns or “manly” food.

Of course, these are not things that always mean you are trying to be manly- but if you really sit down and think about it, not all guys are into what they are into out of genuine interest- many just seem to attach to whatever seems to “fit the bill”. The problem with this is pretty obvious- it’s lacking of confidence and it’s just lame.

How to go against the grain

So how do you get out of this nasty trap of “masculinity”?

Simply put, you rationalize and try to break your mind free from the media.

This isn’t saying that you should abstain from what I’ve mentioned before- sports can be fun, and hell, guns and cars are damn cool. The important thing to do, however, is to have a solid reason for liking them rather than just “my friends do”- that is to say, to try to enjoy it for itself rather than doing it because others do.

Don’t build up ridiculous definitions of what “is” and “is not” manly- try to be open. Sure, you shouldn’t go spooning with men in your underwear, but don’t automatically presume “female” things (shopping, musical theatre, design, fashion, dancing, parties, television shows, even certain kinds of music) are beyond your realm- be willing to cross into them. Being willing to go into realms like that is not only really masculine and confident, but it will also help you find women- because that is exactly where they are. You are more likely to find an awesome girl at something like a nice jazz club rather than finding one at a shady bar- that’s just how like works. I know plenty of guys who capitalize on Yoga clubs in this way- one guy for every 30 hot and very fit women is a damn good statistic if you’re looking to find someone.

Of course, I’m not saying you should bend to this whole “feminine male” thing- in fact, I hate that, and I’ve expressed that before. Dress like a man, act like a man, enjoy yourself like one. Don’t paint your walls pink and go around trying to “get in touch with your feminine side”- just be a man and be willing to go anywhere you damn well please.

This idea of “Being a man but being open to women” is a tough concept- too often guys are pidgeonholed into the binary of “woman” and “man” to the point where they think it’s a proverbial turf war, establishing boundaries and territories and killing anyone who crosses them. Instead of thinking of things like certain activities as “female” or “male”, rather consider them neutral territory, and simply something for you to explore.

Being a real man means you have the guts to be able to stand up to a lot more than what we may fantasize men fought- while the adrenaline-packed escapades of John Rambo are impressive, it doesn’t take half the courage or masculinity that actually balling up and taking on responsibility does. Real life is rarely about such clear cut black-and-white worlds as seen in movies- and it’s intensely more masculine to be able to make decisions and stick to them rather than adhering to a bland world of “them” and “us”. In the world of Rambo and Dirty Harry, pulling out a gun and shooting fixes things- but in the real world, that never works. There’s certainly a time to beat someone down and even a time to go into full out killing machine mode- but it’s understanding the other times that matters as well. It sounds stereotypical, but even having the guts to stand up and take responsibility for your actions is infinitely more masculine than pulling out a hunting knife and killing things indiscriminately- no matter what movies may infer.

But let’s make this more simple. Face it: as crazy as this sounds, male ballet dancers are badass mofos, mainly because they get to feel up extremely hot/flexible women all day, and in contrast, they have gallons of testosterone. Ignore the tights. They are just hiding a guy who is so damn bold that they are willing to dress up like cokehead clowns to show off their packages. I doubt even I would have the guts to do that, even if I was promised hot women. So think of it this way- which is more manly?- John Rambo, semi-naked penis replacement toting psychopath who seemingly abstains from the female touch, or Joe, the fairly decent guy somewhere in someone’s Yoga class right now around 40 women who all think it’s great to have a hot guy to look at and would essentially all die to go on a date with him?

I think I’d say the latter. Joe, you lucky bastard.

Typically when I tell some people I do a little bit of writing in the fashion world, I inevitably get the same remark:

“Oh, so you must be like a metrosexual!”

This is insanely depressing. Since when did fashion become something that only homosexual men (or men acting like homosexual men) cared about? Since when did fashion icons like Sean Connery become “boring”? Since when do we trust blithering idiots in Milan to determine that all men need to dress like depressed clowns? Jesus. It’s time to bust down these assumptions and write our own rules of fashion- ones that don’t involve the world “metrosexual” or tell us what labels to buy or what colors to wear.

Fact 1: You don’t have to be gay or metrosexual to be stylish.

Dressing nicely does not make you a homosexual, and anyone who says so misses the point entirely. Let’s face it- a vast majority of us dress reasonably to find suitable mates- very few of us dress nicely just for our own benefit, it’s too much of a pain in the ass. While the unwashed masses may claim that “normal” men don’t bother with anything but t-shirt and jean ensembles, knowing better is the key to looking better. Being stylish doesn’t mean you have to get petticures and trounce around talking about massages either- being stylish can become as easy as breathing if you do it right.

Fact 2: Style isn’t about brand name.

A stylish person is not someone who goes to the Gap or Abercrombie and Fitch and buys everything that will fit- that’s called being unoriginal and stupid. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with finding things you like from certain stores- however, becoming an obsessive freak about wearing all of one style makes you seem unoriginal. Hollister, despite it’s popularity, is not very stylish, and it really smacks of bad form to buy everything from there- or anywhere. Stylish people know how to mix and match different brands and labels to create an overall effect. That being said, this generally is better on the wallet as well.

Fact 3: You don’t have to be a model to be stylish.

Let’s fact it- most of us are not models. Actually, chances are NONE of us are models, which pretty much means we all have our flaws (and the models have them too, you arrogant bastards). You don’t have to look amazing to dress well- in fact, dressing well makes you look better overall. If you have a bigger body type, dress to the body type and ignore whatever body style (overly muscular, insanely skinny) is in at that particular moment. It will go away and you will be the same.

Fact 4: Small bold things turn heads, which is why they are wonderful.

Wearing bright orange pants is stupid- in fact, any massively bold moves are stupid. However, the beauty of fashion is a lot of times in the little details- the cufflinks, the tie, the shoes, everything. Making small statements is much better than going overboard, and it always comes off as much more savvy than any praise wearing a pink suit would ever get you.

Fact 5: Fashion can be cheap

D&G glasses are ugly. Armani suits are great, but are too expensive for the common man. Being stylish does not mean you have to spend thousands of dollars- rather, fashion can be affordable and easy, and somtimes cheaper than being stylisically blind. Savvy fashion shoppers don’t spend oodles of money- they find inventive ways to buy stylish items, like waiting for sales or even shopping online, thanks to the fact that most shops now have sizing systems. People who spend thousands of dollars on things like sweaters and suits need a reality check.

Fact 6: The most stylish men are sometimes the most subdued.

As I mentioned at the start of this article, Sean Connery is a damn fashionable man. People like Sean Connery, Denzel Washington, and Samuel L. Jackson are manly and strong, and they dress like damned pros- but they keep it on the down-low. You will never see Denzel Washington tromping around in a bright pink floral shirt talking about how “catty” hollywood is- he’ll leave that to the idiots on the Style network. Men who know how to be stylish do so without being flamboyant, they do it in a way that makes small impressions over a long period of time. They are the kind of people who stand out in a crowd, but need not draw attention to themselves: their actions and their clothes make the difference clear enough.

Fact 7: I will be wrong in about 2 months, but at least I (hopefully) get the concepts right.

The last and most important thing about style is that it changes like crazy. You never know when the next fad will arrive: and that’s just fine. The important thing about style, if more important than anything else, is that while some fads may come and go, the basics stay the same. Society will always dictate times when you dress up and dress down. Society will always judge you based on how you dress, and there will always be winners and losers in that regard. In that sense, we will always see different trends emerge and die out: the important thing is to get your basics down, so down the road you feel confident and secure, even if you’re wearing something you never would have considered before.

That’s TRUE Fashion.