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Guys? What’s the deal? There are so many different kinds of mustaches out there. Well, there aren’t as many kinds of mustaches as there are noses but, let’s just say, there are some very very wrong ones out there, mustaches I mean, not noses, but maybe noses too, but that’s nature’s craft, most of the time, but I digress. Mustaches.

Disclaimer: If you are a 70 year old man you can absolutely pull off any type of mustache so please disregard the following paragraphs.

The Hook

Please stop curling and pointing the tips upward or, around you are not captain hook. If you are the goofy type of guy and you want everyone to know it, better try some other attention grabber.

Wearing absurd mustaches is like wearing an absurd bow-tie every single day. There can be certain occasions where this mustache is acceptable, but I’m just trying to be generous here. Would you really wear a yellow bow-tie with red polka-dots every single day and expect girls, or anyone, to take you seriously? Right. That’s just something to think about.

Now of couuuuuuurse, some guys can pull off this style, but we’re talking one in one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine men. Do you really think you’re one of them? Hey, you can be, no one’s judging, but I sure hope you’re right.

Lets just say your face is not a platform for a creative outlet and leave it at that.

The Horseshoe

This is where things get a bit trickier. Some guys can roll with this stache pretty smoothly. Some. I’m going to trust your judgement on this one. If you think you can work this style out then I’d say, go for it. I’m going to take the plunge and say that sometimes, sometimes this mustache, when worn correctly, can actually be…quite, well, sexy.

Caterpillar Legs

Forgive me for the visual but it’s the best comparison I can come up with for those mightily thin-haired mustaches that are spaced far too far from the nose and far too close to the upper-lip. Again, there are some men who can wear this mustache well. I’m not sure I entirely get the aesthetic but it’s, well, okay, I guess. Maybe someone out there can explain this style to the ladies who don’t have the privilege to grow their own.

Pornstar/Businessman

Who knew those two characters could actually be grouped into one category? This style mustache is just about the average mustache. There isn’t much to say about this style except, personally, I find the mustache to sit more attractively when it’s accompanied by some generous five o’clock shadow.

Lets just face it, the mustache thing is really between you guys, and doesn’t have much consideration for women. I can’t say I know many women who would say they prefer the mustache to nothing at all. Just ask yourselves this one question and, try to be as honest with yourself as possible, why do you need it?

Tags: facial hair, mustache, mustaches