As many of you know, I’ve written previous guides along these lines for normal dating- but apparently, first dating is hard. First dates are oftentimes a completely different game- they can be difficult and end up going very well (serious connection with a girl culminating in a kiss), or really poorly (proverbially holding your head in your hands as your histrionic date talks about her ex boyfriends and texts them during the date (true story(!))). So, to help alleviate some worries, answer many e-mails I’ve gotten, and help out you in your next first date (that could always be your last first date!), here are some tips to make your first date the best damn first date ever.

Ground Rules

First off, let’s set off some overarching ground rules for your first date- from planning to the date itself.

Rule 1: No sex. I know this is a silly first rule to have, but virtually everyone in the dating community (who actually is part of the legitimate dating community) agrees with me: no sex on the first date, period. No nudity. Hell, even making out is pushing it. At most, a good date can end with a kiss- but said kiss should never be presumed to happen, but it should be the good ending of a great date- not the obligatory ending to a mediocre date.

Rule 2: Plan, plan, plan. Though it seems silly, plan out things if you can- but don’t make it obvious. Reserve the restaurant for the time of the date- and make sure your date can eat stuff off the menu. Plan a time in which your mind is free of outside worries. Obviously, have enough cash to pay for things. If she wants to go on a walk, try to know the surrounding area. While there is such a thing as over planning (never let your plans dominate the date- be flexible!), try to make things as easy as possible.

Rule 3: Show your best aspects, but learn more than tell. Of course, the idea here is to get to know your date. Be on your best behavior throughout the entire process- but really, worry less about talking/showing yourself and more about your date. Remember, she has as much of an onus to show you her worth as you do showing her your worth.

Rule 4: Keep yourself aloof, at least early on. No talking about marriage, your problems, or similar issues. Don’t show her to all of your friends, and don’t meet all of her friends. Don’t make long term promises. A first date is exploratory, not any indicator of marriage or something. Remember this.

Part 1: Prep Time

Okay, so, let’s hit the ground running. For the sake of making this a short article, I’m going to presume that somehow, you’ve found a girl, and you’re ready to ask her out on a date. Thankfully, you’ve done most of the work- pending the girl is telling the truth, she’s already shown enough interest to justify going on a date with you: you’re 75% of the way. The problem is, now, you have to pull out all the stops and amaze her with a great first date that will not only give her a taste of you, but leave her wanting at the same time.

First off, call her and make direct plans. Do not waffle, do not ask her what she “likes” or “wants”. Of course, you’ll want to have a few options- a few restaurants, a few movies or activity ideas, etc- but generally, the idea is to have things in mind and be confident in your ideas. Have a general idea of the menu, and ensure wherever you go has the opportunity for special diets (vegetarians/vegans, allergies, etc) to be accommodated. Plan a day, a time, and a location at minimum- basically, treat it like any other appointment you may have. Naturally, figure out transportation- figure out if you’ll pick her up (nice, but sometimes a bit intrusive for some girls), or if you’ll meet her there.

Second off, plan. Almost immediately when you hang up, make reservations for the restaurant you chose, if reservations are available. Buy tickets if you plan to go to a movie or show- most theaters make advance tickets available, even online. Clear plenty of time around the date, allowing you plenty of time to shower, dress, and devote your mind to the date. Basically, make all the calls necessary.

I can’t stress planning enough. Planning is what makes or breaks the logistics of a date. Right before the date, everything necessary should be fully prepared for to the best degree you can- virtually every part of you should be ready for the date, from head to toe and everything around you. You should have clothes ironed (if necessary), clean, and ready to go. You should be well groomed in every respect, from your hair to your finger/toenails to any stray body hair. Your car should be clean, if applicable, and obviously ready to make the drive to and from your date location. You should have all the cash you need to pay for the meal twice over, and then any accessory costs- be it dessert or just extra activities outside the main date. Obviously, if there is any sort of chance she may come to your place (not advisable), make sure your apartment/house is clean. In essence, you should be ready to make this date the best damn date ever- and you should do nothing to keep it from being as such.

Ideally, a date should be planned around something that you can do together, with plenty of chances to talk. Movie theaters are a poor choice. Talking over dinner, though stereotypical, is a great option, as it opens up plenty of discussion opportunities. Doing something like walking through a park is also a great option. Cooking classes and other fun, random endeavors are also fun, pending they don’t distract you/her too much. Avoid going overboard (keep the girl in her comfort zone- don’t take her off skydiving or something), and keep the date fun (no creepy “come-to-my-place-and-lets-talk” dates)- focus on conversation as much as you can and keep the activity light.

Despite all of this planning, be flexible. Understand your date, despite her interest in you, may not be able to commit to a ridiculously planned, demanding schedule. Don’t be miffed if she has to change dates or otherwise has to postpone the date- emergencies do come up. Obviously, don’t expect a date to go perfectly, either- though you want to make it such, perfect dates never exist, and you should be flexible enough to adapt to any sort of circumstance- be it a restaurant being full up, a car breakdown, rain, a movie theater breaking down, or that sort of thing. Ideally, the girl should never know you planned a lot, but it should show.

So far as what you should wear/be like, be yourself, but be yourself dressed up to a certain level. Even for a movie date, wear nice pants (nice jeans are okay in more casual situations), a good shirt, and good cologne. Shoes should be clean and usable, even for the longest of walks. Avoid ostentatious fashion or super-formal wear- stick with something fun and traditional, that shows yourself, but keeps you looking nice. Cologne, much like we’ve talked about on this website before, should be faint and nice. Avoid excessive gel or jewelry or anything- keep yourself simple, versatile, and fun.

Notes

• Don’t take a girl standing you up beforehand too personally. While it obviously is the equivalent of a slap in the face and/or a kick in the groin, remember girls whom make dates and avoid them later should not be dated in the first place. As a general rule, give a girl two chances to move the date if she “can’t make it”- and if she clearly is not interested, then just ignore her and move on.
• When you reserve a restaurant or buy a ticket, do so as early as possible. Good restaurants and movies fill up quickly, and it can often leave you unable to provide a date you “promised”. Strike early.
• If you have to make changes, tell her ASAP. Treat a date somewhat like a business meeting- keep people posted. Don’t change things abruptly.
• Plan to wear good clothing, especially good shoes. Many girls, who learned from their mothers, look to shoes for the quality of a man- and then, after that, they sometimes look at the style/brand of clothing he has on. Wear damn good shoes.
• Speaking of clothing, prepare for the weather. Clothing should neither be too thin or too thick. Remember, no matter the season, it may rain, get suddenly cold/hot, or just become unpleasant. Wear something as much of in the “middle of the road” as possible.

Part 2: Date Time

So, it’s the day of the date, and everything’s going as planned. How do you keep the date going well?

First off, remember, conversation is everything. If you prioritize anything, prioritize the ability to keep a conversation going. A good date will help this along, but even if she doesn’t, try your damnedest to keep her talking. Ask questions as much as possible- people love talking about themselves, so use that to your advantage. Without being stalker-ish, try to learn as much about your date (her interests/hobbies, her work/school, any animals she may have, her week, that sort of thing) and ask about them. Though it may be incredibly tempting, do NOT ramble about yourself- answer her questions and elaborate as necessary, but don’t spend too much time. Leave her wanting more information. If you have trouble talking- if she’s being difficult, or you just naturally have trouble in conversations period- ask questions and remain as light as possible. Oftentimes, there is no negative in honestly admitting you’re nervous/excited/naturally bad at conversations- don’t worry about admitting so.

Whatever you do, during conversation, remain yourself. Don’t fake anything. Don’t lie. Humans are inherently incredibly good at detecting lies and fakery, especially ham-handed attempts at being “cool”- so don’t even try it. Being yourself is more than sufficient for even the best girls in the world. Remember, the idea is for her to get to know you, not get to know who you want to be. Of course, you’ll want to be fun and interesting- don’t mope around and act boring just because that’s the “real” you- but be as true to yourself as possible.

Second off, make everything as easy and respectful as possible. This is where the planning comes into play. Your goal, as the male in the date, is to make the date as easy and worry free as possible: your date should not have to worry about anything at all. Pay for meals and other costs, if at all possible. Be kind to the waiter/waitress, and tip well. Ensure that she has what she needs- if it may rain, make sure you have an umbrella. Generally, remove the big questions from your date’s mind- she’ll thank you for it.

On top of this, exude manners like a refined gentleman. Hold doors- that includes car doors. Only begin eating after she begins eating. Avoid bad table manners. Use “please” and “thank you” as much as you can. Essentially, treat your date like a princess, no matter how silly it may be- it will not only impress her, but any of her friends. I’ve met a ridiculous amount of girls who have rules about the “quality” of guys as related to their manners in this regard- so brush up on your manners and knock her socks off. As silly as it may sound, most girls like to be treated like royalty at dates, as most dates are special to them- use this to your advantage.

Third off, end on a high note. This is where things get confusing, but important. After your date- after the movie, dinner, or whatever you have planned- remember to end on a high note and make her wanting more, not less. As I mentioned above, you want to have a clear, definitive ending to your date, leaving everything on a high note- not on a low note. Dinner dates, except uncommon ones, last about two to three hours: expect about that much, and no more, for a first date. Though she may be far too old for it, be sure to get her home before her “curfew”- don’t overextend your welcome, and make sure to give her plenty of opportunities to end it herself.

And, finally, the option of a kiss, a hug, or nothing at all. This is VERY dependent on the nature of the date (if it went well, if the girl is more open or not, etc), and it should entirely depend on how the flow is going. If the date is going incredibly well and you felt as if you connected well, going “in” for a kiss is a very viable option. However, hugging is fine too- and it is not an indication of disinterest or anything similar, so long as you aren’t cold about it. Play it by ear. I can’t give you a definitive answer- just go with the flow, and avoid being a pig. Just remember, no sex.

Notes

• Remember, you always have the option to get out too- so don’t stress out too much. Your date has as much of a responsibility to impress you as you do her. You can easily choose to not see her again, rather than the other way around.
• Focus on her. Eat lightly. Don’t zone her out and look around. Focus on her first, the food/movie/whatever second.
• Be nice to everyone. Be nice to wait staff, employees, other people, and the like. Most girls watch this carefully.
• Carry plenty of money and handle financial transactions discreetly for obvious reasons.
• Turn your cell phone off. Under no circumstances should it ever be on during a date unless there is the potential for a massive emergency involving something only you could fix. Texting is tantamount to slapping your date in the face.
• Avoid talking about anything inflammatory- ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, heavy political topics, etc. It is fine to talk about these in a joking, casual way, but no further. It is not fine to talk about religion, politics, ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends, personal problems (physical, mental, or otherwise), or other “heavy” topics. Leave these for subsequent dates and more private settings.
• On this topic, just don’t talk about heavy sexual topics. She’ll know you’re sending out feelers.
• PAY ATTENTION. You gain brownie points for actually remembering what she says.
• A first date kiss should be simple, romantic, but without sexuality. Don’t oversell it. Don’t make out. A single kiss can leave her wanting a lot more.

Part 3: After the Date

After a date, don’t drop the ball. If the date went well, don’t forget to keep the ball rolling- you can easily do perfectly during the date and ruin it afterward!

Plan to call at least two days and not more than 7 days after the date. Don’t do it the hour after, nor would it be entirely advisable to do so the day after- not unless you stay in contact a lot anyway. Give her a little bit of time to process the date, then propose a second. Any more than 7 days and you’re making it clear you aren’t interested. You don’t really have to propose another date, of course- calling to say you really enjoyed the date is fine enough to leave your proverbial calling card.

No matter how well the date went, don’t run around like crazy making her your new “girlfriend in training”. Don’t go off and talk about her to all of your buddies, your family, and your coworkers incessantly. Have some restraint- too much expectation can be creepy. Of course, you can talk about her- she’ll be flattered- just avoid making the insinuation that her going on a date with you made you a “couple” of some sort.

Finally, make every next date that much better. Keep knocking her socks off. Don’t let the first date be the best she ever gets. Every date is a learning experience- so, as much as possible, learn about your date and make all subsequent dates better if at all possible. Girls hate guys who have one good date and then a series of uninspired, boring crap-fests.

In Closing…

First dates are scary for everyone-even myself, despite the irony of the fact I’m writing this article. The work of having to basically sell oneself- that is, to make oneself attractive to a potential mate for the very first time- is a very intimidating thing. Though planning and pracice help, nothing can truly prepare you for a good date quite like just being yourself- as being yourself allows you to really, truly connect with your date and develop a true relationship, not a feigned one.

Kissing/Making Out

Kissing is wonderful. The best kinds of kisses tend to be between two people with mutual feelings for each other. It can be a simple peck to say “good morning,” or it could be steamy and head-spinning number that leads to much more. Regardless of the purpose of your kiss, there are some things you should keep in mind:

Vary the intensity of the kisses.

Soft, light kisses make the body tingle; hard, passionate kisses make heads spin. Don’t keep the same pace the whole time or your partner will likely become uninterested. Keep her excited by combining slow kisses with fast kisses, shorter kisses with longer ones, and by adding some nibbling here and there. She’ll melt.

Don’t leave kissing for just the lips.

It gets boring and won’t get your partner as excited as if you switched it up. However, try not to go for the R-Rated spots just yet. A kiss on the cheek or the forehead will have her anticipating a slow, romantic time, whereas a kiss to the neck or the ear gets things hotter.

Easy with the tongue.

It’s common for people to get excited and want to use whatever means to get closer and make contact with even more of their partner’s body, but when it comes to making out, try to keep it simple. Ease into it and try not to use your tongue too early or too much; with making out, it’s best to keep things simple. Use that energy for other things, like what often follows making out.

Pay attention to her reactions.

Does she try to back away from you when you press hard? Take the hint and back off. Does she push her lips firmer against yours when you’re kissing her softly? Take the hint and kiss harder. Listen to her breathing when you’re kissing, too; heavier breathing means she’s enjoying herself; sighing means she’s really feeling the kiss for more than just lips touching lips. Things like yawning may mean you should try a different approach.

Touching/Fondling

One of the five senses, “touch” is a very powerful way of connecting with others. Touching one’s arm while talking to them shows interest, a quick massage can relax and revitalize someone, and a caress can send shivers to every inch of a person if done appropriately. In order to help you determine how befitting yours are, we have these pointers:

Never have idle hands.

When kissing, pulling her into you closer by the back of the head, around the waist, or at her butt will get things amped up. Running your hands up and down her arms or holding her tight are big pleasers as well.

Massages are wonderful.

You don’t have to lay her down and bust out a towel, hot stones, and massage oils, but nothing sets the mood quite like a massage. Pressing into her and making small circles with your fingers will loosen her up and relax her. When you’re done, she’s likely to return the favor. Never rush massages, though; you could end up hurting her, which is never good.

Don’t use the “milking a cow” technique. Ever.

Yes, breasts are pretty fun, but never under any circumstances pull them (unless you’re involved in a BDSM deal, in which case you probably wouldn’t be reading this anyways). Keep in mind that smaller breasts tend to be more sensitive than larger ones, but all of them have nerves. Please respect that. Otherwise we may try the “technique” on you.

Don’t rub too hard for too long, especially if it’s dry contact.

If you’re playing with her breasts and rolling her nipples between your fingers or similar, please, please, please be soft. If you use too much pressure, especially when it’s dry skin touching dry skin, you will cause a burning sensation, chaffing, and/or bleeding. The pain is unbelievable, especially when she goes to put a piece of clothing on over them. Keep things at least somewhat wet so no irritation will follow.

Oral

Giving-

Giving oral to a girl can either be for her sheer pleasure and a way of getting her to orgasm, or as a way to prepare her for intercourse. Depending on your situation, different things are okay to do. The following pertain mostly to the times when your goal is to simply please her:

Start things off right.

The first few brushes will be the most intense because her body will be just starting to warm up. Take advantage of that and be slow and methodical with your strokes. Also, keep away from the clitoris until she’s fully ready; premature taction can cause pain and discomfort, two common mood-killers.

No biting.

At least, not hard biting, and not right away. Nibbling should be done after your partner is pretty turned on, otherwise her body will be too sensitive and it will cause pain. Suck and lick her for a while before using teeth.

Don’t get bored and give up.

The average woman takes about twice as long as the average man to reach orgasm. Maybe you climaxed after 5 or 6 minutes of her giving, but don’t expect her to always do the same. Maybe your tongue and mouth get tired; that’s what you use fingers for. Never rest your head on her thigh because you’re tired. She’ll be distracted and offended by the contact, resulting in even more time to get her to orgasm. In other words, if you think you might be giving oral in the near future, be rested and ready for about 15+ minutes of (highly rewarding) work.

Don’t start kissing immediately after cunnilingus.

Most girls find their scent and taste to be disgusting and have no interest in tasting it from your mouth. In time, they probably won’t notice it too much, but it’s always welcomed for you to take a drink of water or something before kissing. However, there are some girls that have no problem with it, and some even get turned on by it. Just play it safe at first, or better yet, ask her.

Receiving-

It’s a common misconception that all girls despise giving blowjobs. While some may be uncomfortable with it, others want to make you one happy camper and enjoy either the act of giving it or the fact that they can make you so happy from something. Be respectful and follow these little rules and you’re sure to have your partner coming back for more:

Relax.

If you’re tense and unfocused, you’ll kill the mood. The more relaxed and at ease you are, the easier it is for your partner to get comfortable and concentrate on pleasuring you as much as possible.

Don’t force her head to take too much.

Sure, it’s pretty common for guys put their hands on the back of girls’ heads when receiving oral, but things like ‘gag reflexes’ do indeed exist. Let your partner decide how much of you they can handle at a time. If she can take it all with ease? Luck you, you get to be deep-throated. If she can’t? That’s quite an ego boost to know you’re too big for her to take.

Hold her hair.

Hair gets in the way of the giver. It can get in your partner’s mouth, causing her to gag or stop things while trying to fix her hair. Or, if she has to use her own hands to hold it back, that could take away from the pleasure; those hands could be touching you! By holding her hair back, it shows that you’re getting into it and that you care enough to help her. Plus, it lets you see everything that’s going on better. You know you want to.

Give her a warning when you’re about to orgasm.

Surprises are great and all, but when it comes to orgasms it’s best to just tell her.
It’s the polite thing to do, and it gives her a chance to decide what to do when it hits.

Intercourse

Having sex is part physical, but most of it is how well two (sometimes more, but that’s separate) people connect. If you’re having sex with someone, it means you trust them to a degree. It also means you’re both interested in pleasing yourselves and each other. To help you out, we have some things to remember:

Don’t be silent.

Feedback is key when it comes to just about everything, especially sex. Like the way she swivels her hips when you’re inside her? Tell her! Don’t like her heels digging into you? Also tell her, but in a constructive manner, like putting her feet somewhere else and then raving about how great it feels.

Don’t fake pleasure.

Moaning, screaming, panting, and calling out her name are all absolutely fantastic, but only when you mean it. Not only will she probably know you’re faking, but lying to her is one of the cruelest things you could do.

Do what’s in the best interest of you and your partner, and know your limits.

Sometimes going at it hard will be exactly what you want to do, but only do things you know your partner can handle. If she’s tiny or weak, it would be in your best interest not to pound her senseless into a wall. If she’s big or strong, you’ll need to use a bit more energy to make sure she’s enjoying it.

Be open about your likes and dislikes, and be sure to know your partner’s.

This changes partner-to-partner. Maybe your last girl liked things slow and soft, but your new girl may want her hair pulled and to be spanked. Being open with each other makes things more satisfying overall when you’re together. Bonus: when you talk about it, you’ll probably both be ready to get behind closed doors and start trying things out! Make sure you know her stance on experimentation, too; maybe you’re jonesing for anal, but you better know how your partner feels incase her backdoor is off-limits.

Despite the obvious misogynistic tones of these materials, they have popularity- and, it comes as no surprise that VH1, the channel arguably most famous for being like a stunted retarded MTV (which is an admirable feature in and of itself), decided to give the guy a show.

Naturally, I can’t sit here and do nothing- so, much to my own mental stability, I decided to watch the TV series and really try to “get” it- I tried to get into the “Mystery” mode and really understand what Erik von Markovik is running his mouth about today. Needless to say, it’s not good.

The Show in a Nutshell

In a nutshell, The Pickup Artist is about taking 8-9 guys (all equally stereotypically nerdy- think the guys from Beauty and the Geek) and puts them with Mystery (Erik von Markovik), an equally nerdy but nonetheless cocky and overpaid “pickup artist” who proceeds to instruct these 8-9 guys on how to pick up women in bars. Of course, much like any other “reality show”, they throw various challenges at the geeks- picking up women in different situations, that sort of thing- but fundamentally, the idea is that, following the Survivor trend, only one person will be crowned the “Pickup Artist” at the end of the show.

Deconstructing The Pickup Artist

If you can’t tell from the dripping hatred in the above paragraphs, I’m not a fan of The Pickup Artist. Allow me to explain why.

First off, the basics. The Pickup Artist, and the books that inspired the TV show, are all children of what I like to think is the destruction of the dating world. Blame it on what you will- the Internet and games keeping people indoors nowadays, weakening belief in marriage, that sort of thing- dating has changed fundamentally, which has driven on the popularity of matchmakers, online dating services, and more recently, pickup books. Thanks to the media and even porn, guys are being convinced that unless they are having copious amounts of sex with random partners, they aren’t “men”- and books like Double your Dating swoop in to fill that perceived need, convincing men they have all of the answers to their woes.

From a casual glance, The Pickup Artist is not meant to be taken very seriously. In fact, from one viewing, one could even stipulate the entire television series is one big joke, intended for girls to watch and laugh at the men participating. Much like von Markovik’s appearances on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, there’s a laughable, almost comedic stupidity to The Pickup Artist‘s instruction- it’s all campy, corny, ridiculous pickup lines. I even had a female friend sit down and watch one episode with me to make sure: and yes, I will confirm, the show is full of laughs for any female viewer. As I’ve explained before, a lot of the pickup technique taught by Mystery is really simply casting a wide net and using cheap pickup lines that only work on bland girls- and to some degree, it works through the magic of TV.

The problem is, this show is meant to be taken seriously by men. The instructions are portrayed as legitimate- Mystery is portrayed as a master of pickup artistry, following along with his own self-masturbatory statements in his books. While women obviously laugh their heads off at the show, The Pickup Artist, like From G’s to Gents on MTV, is meant to be like an instruction manual reality show: while you watch the people, you are presumably supposed to be encouraged to emulate their actions and “grow” with them. Unfortunately, unlike G’s to Gents, which is actually a somewhat interesting attempt at refining the subjects, The Pickup Artist is less about being refined as it is about getting laid and finding a girl stupid enough to go along with your whims.

All that’s on TV isn’t real.

But here’s the fun part about the show: It’s all an act. No, I’m not kidding.

I have Wikipedia (as unruly of a source that is) to back me up on this: the top tier people on The Pickup Artist are actors. Kosmo (Alvaro Orlando), the winner of the first season, was an actor, disc jockey and cameraman. Brady Sprunger, the runner up, was not only a “shy cameraman”, but a model. Fred, the third tier, is now an actor and a comedian. “Joe D.” is now acting on E.R.

Spoiler: Mystery did not make these men suddenly confident to model five years before the shooting of the show. VH1, very intelligently, picked a bunch of people who had talent in acting and the like, perhaps with minimal (if not nonexistent) confidence issues, and put them on TV dressed up as geeks, giving them bad haircuts and poor skin tone and parading them around for the amusement of the VH1 viewerbase.

I’m going to say this very clearly, in bold for a very big reason: Mystery did nothing in the show: he was given people cherry-picked for the show, with the show having absolutely no basis in real life. Sure, the contestants may not have known the Mystery Method in the whole format, but the people on the show undoubtedly were MUCH better off than they were potrayed to be. The Mystery Method did nothing that a new haircut, better clothing, and enough free experience in nightclubs would have given any of those men, and the inference by VH1 that Erik von Markovik had anything to do with their “transformation” is ridiculous.

What it all means

What it all means is simple: like the book, The Pickup Artist is nothing more than a stupid, misleading caricature of the ways to really make connections and date women. It needlessly flaunts the (unused) “talents” of “Mystery”, it uses actors and models dressed up like “geeks” to give you someone to empathize with, and it makes it all seem incredibly serious to mislead guys into buying the book. The Pickup Artist is no better than a VH1 sponsored infomercial, with the ridiculously dressed Mystery talking about how he went from playing Dungeons and Dragons to picking up women and how you can buy his book for $29.99.

Long story short? I just wasted about 4 hours of my life. I want them back, Erik.

Here it is.

Dating is, essentially, the dance of trying to get to know a girl better and start romance- it’s that simple. Be it going out to a movie theater, going to dinner, or doing something much more ostentatious, dating is simply trying to set off the spark that is romance. Ignore all those little idioms you hear from different Disney movies and Lifetime TV commercials- dating is just dating.

The first thing you need to know about dating is that, simply put, dating is an excuse to get to know your partner and to connect on an emotional level. It is, quite literally, a catch-all excuse to “hang out” with someone and do something together. Dating is not about what you are doing so much as it is who you are doing it with. Dates can be as simple as walking around a park- and while doing that alone is boring and might get you arrested, doing it with a date is considered romantic and interesting. The goal, of course, is to extract information from your partner, provide information, and then generally try to see how you like each other.

That being said, dating is not something you have to do. Really, because it is a catch-all, dating is simply the nomenclature for the process of trying to get to know each other. It’s a temporary attachment.

With that being said, keep that statement in mind. What I will generally instruct you about is the best way to handle these situations- but they are never the same. Undoubtedly, you will have to formulate your own plan to your own style- but hopefully, with my experience, I can guide you down the path that is dating. Remember, dating is all about getting to know someone- so the goal here is to be the best damn person you can be.

Oh, and before I start, relax. Dates are not as big of a deal as they need to be. I’ve said it on here before and I’ll say it again: date lots of girls and date often. Only with that will you find the girl you really like. Focusing on one single girl and obsessing over her is the recipe for emotional disaster. Be willing to be a “serial dater”- even if it’s just flingy little dinner dates like a highschooler. Don’t worry at all. Unless you’re willing to be confident and not worry incessantly, you’ll always be stuck with awkward dates.

Part One: Preparing a Date

So let’s say you met some nice girl (yes, we’re pretty much heterosexual here) you want to date. Obviously, the first thing to do is probably the biggest hurdle- getting a date.

First of all, do some light planning. It’s always best to be prepared, so try to get an idea of your date before you make any moves. Is she a theatre buff? Take her to a play. Is she into music? Try to take her to a live music club or something. Essentially, try to come up with an idea that fits her like a glove- don’t just ask her on a “dinner and a movie” date unless she’s up for it.

Of course, I said light planning, not obsessive intricate militaristic planning. Don’t get some sort of hard and fast idea in your head and push it- just get an idea of some sort. In the long run, you should be able to compose the following sentence:

“Hey ______, would you be interested in going to _______ at _________? I’d like to go, ________ (it might be fun, etc)”.

That’s really it. Don’t make a reservation, plan it already, or just do something ridiculously overdone like that. Never make it an excuse- if you want to go with someone, don’t act like you’ll take them along- make it clear you want to take them and you want to enjoy their company.

That’s all you need for pre-planning. Just ask the girl after that. You see, at this point, you should always be flexible- trust me, you are rarely going to be able to definitively guess a time when she is genuinely free, so try to be open to change.

Addendum: Asking a Girl Out

I usually get this e-mailed to me as a question, so let’s go ahead and cover this.

First off, most women absolutely hate ridiculously complex or contrived things. They also hate falsely fake things. Hell, all in all, there is only one way to do it:

Just do it.

That’s it. During a conversation, slip it in or something. This is not a marriage proposal, don’t treat it like it’s some sort of world changing event. Just ask. If she says no, move on- otherwise, be happy and keep on going. It’s really that simple. The more you worry about being awkward or strange or coming across as “geeky”, the more you actually will. As silly as it sounds, firing from the hip is usually much more effective.

Part Two: Preparing a Date Part II: Wrath of Preparing a Date

Okay, so let’s say the girl has accepted (lucky you). This is when you need to kick into planning mode- and this time, it won’t hurt to go a bit overboard in some respects.

The first rule is to know where you are going and prepare accordingly. If you are going out to dinner, know the menu (generally, menus can be found online nowadays). Know the dress code. If the restaurant is usually crowded, make a reservation as soon as you can. If it’s a production or some sort of other entertainment venue, get advance tickets.

The second rule is to clean up your act, in every applicable way. Before you go on a date, obviously, make sure you are well groomed, well dressed, and ready to go. Most girls tend to lock on to smaller things (fingernails, body hair, etc) if they are dirty, so don’t get lazy. Make sure that your place is clean (in the words of Alfie, “you never know where the day will bring you”) and ensure your car is especially clean (because even if she’s not going to go back to your place, she may need a ride home). Of course, don’t go insanely overboard (avoid being ridiculously clean, as in, don’t make it too obvious), but it’s better to be too clean rather than too dirty.

The third rule is to prepare during the day. Try to avoid doing anything that will screw up the date. Try to make sure your idiot friends won’t incessantly text message you, make sure you don’t have anything else that will interfere. In a more crude way, avoid eating anything that will kill your breath (see: onions) or give you other bodily odors (beans), unless you can handle it. Just avoid doing something incredibly stupid and you should be fine.

Part Three: During the Date

Of course, I can’t tell you what to do on the date (other than “talk when appropriate and do whatever you planned to do”), but I can tell you what will help.

First off, listen and talk and be attentive. Do not try to push conversation in certain ways. Ask questions and be genuinely interested. Don’t slide your eyes down to her cleavage, look around bored, or rant about yourself- people love talking. Trust me, you can learn a lot more by watching her eyes and listening to her words than you can staring at her breasts or looking at the floor or something- though women claim otherwise, guys can be incredibly receptive to smaller details when they want to be.

Second off, be a gentleman and keep your space. She is dating YOU, and obviously you should take advantage of it. This is not prom night, general courtesy demands you hang around with her and be as polite as possible while doing so. Open doors, keep your arm around her when moving through crowds, and generally act as the lubricant to whatever you are doing- make it painless for her. Handle monetary transactions discreetly and quickly- don’t make a big show over paying for a meal or leaving a tip (that’s actually something that should be unspoken and somewhat hidden).

Third off, be intimate without being creepy. Touching is actually a good thing. Trying to cop a feel is not. It’s entirely appropriate to brush against her or touch her hand casually (and I mean casually, DO NOT PLAN THIS)- but it is not appropriate to do it blatantly or otherwise to force the interaction. Avoid making sexual touches (i.e. touching her ass, lower stomach, breasts, upper legs, etc)- it comes off as too manwhore-y. Simultaneously, avoid being the “friend” by hanging on her or patting her on the back. Find a middle ground- and never plan to do it. Let things go naturally.

Finally, know when things get boring. Don’t overextend your welcome. Is she bored at a movie, or is she absolutely begging to go home? Don’t push it- sometimes, it’s best to have a nice short and wonderful date rather than to have a long mediocre one. Leave her wanting more, not feeling full. Of course, you don’t have to end the date if she gets bored- for example, after dinner, you can always get dessert or simply walk around town- but keep things moving. This is where planning comes handy.

Part Four: After the Date

So let’s say you had a slam dunk of a date. Everything went well, you had her interested, and you didn’t screw up (which is 95% of the work, really). What do you do then?

First off, don’t expect sex or, well, anything. Don’t ask her to “come back to your place” for obvious sex- it’s nice to invite her for a drink or something and that’s about it- don’t really expect sex even if she does come back. Don’t ask her if she wants to “fool around”. Don’t try to steal a kiss at the door. By all means, take things as they come (and enjoy them), but don’t force them. By the end of the date, you should know if such a thing is possible. Clearly, if she’s tired and basically clawing to go back to her place, you aren’t going to get anything but slapped if you go for a kiss.

Second off, if there are rules about calling girls back, I sure as hell don’t know them. God bless text messaging- nothing kicks rear like getting a “I enjoyed myself” text only hours after a date or something. Be it instant messenger or by cell phone or by carrier pidgeon, there really is no rule so long as you don’t do it too obsessively. If you don’t know what to do, at least wait one day so you don’t seem stalker-ish.

Finally, relax. You don’t need to obsess over doing a “perfect” date- if there’s anything that can be said about dating, it’s experimenting with yourself in relation to other girls. Even if you screw up, it can generally be remedied- and even if it can’t, some girls find screwups cute (I’m not sure why, but whatever).

Final Points

As many of you probably know, I love having an open spot for bullet points of miscellaneous thoughts and addendum that don’t fit into my articles. So, to close, instead of ending it with a nice little ending paragraph, I will end with some extra points- so in the future, I can always come back and add more and more as I learn more myself. You know. Because I’m lazy.

• The idea of a first date is getting to know each other, not flashing cash. If you’re spending a ridiculous amount of money on a restaurant, event, or god forbid, a LIMO, you are going overboard. Way overboard.
• If she’s coming to your place even for a second, clean it the hell up, ESPECIALLY the bathroom and kitchen. Girls tend to check the bathroom. I’m not sure why.
• In the words of a good much older friend of mine, “A lady will never sleep in an unmade bed”. Learn from him and make your damn bed.
• Dress well for a date, but not too well. Wearing a suit is ridiculous, but do dress up. Dates are fun if only because they are excuses to dress stylishly for no real reason.
• Splitting the check is really only fine in a relationship. For christ sakes, don’t appear cheap. Tip well, too. (Note: This applies generally to the Southern US and more “traditional” areas- if you have a girl who wants to pay half, by all means, spare yourself)
• Dates never have to be in a public place, but most (savvy) girls will not want to do a first (or even a second or third) date in private, like at your place. No matter what you do, remember that a girl coming to your place does not imply sex.