The Horrors

Hand Symbols

Okay Sign – When a guy is happy with how things are going, he’ll often make this sign of approval without realizing it. For example, he may rest his hand on the table this way if he feels a date is going well.

Love Signal - Even if your guy hasn’t dropped those three little words yet, his fingers might have. When a man feels a strong connection, he’ll subconsciously create the love sign-language gesture while doing random things

For the former, he could just be picking his nails, or making the Japanese hand symbol for okane [money], as in “pay the bill yourself and stop looking at my hands”. For the latter, he could just be messing around, or trying to figure out if you’re into Star Trek. While there is some general validity to interpretations of the way someone physically behaves, no normal person runs around subconsciously making the “I love you” hand gesture (I had to look it up too) if they like someone. If applied logically, the “hands indicate the heart” supposition falls apart quickly. If he forms an “OK” sign with one hand and thrusts in the hole with the other hand, does that mean he wants to screw? If he forms a gun, does he want to kill you and/or rob a bank?

Guy Gallery: Decoding His Sleep and Sex Positions

Missionary – Men who prefer missionary tend to do things by the book, making them faithful, loving boyfriends who won’t let you down, says body-language expert Jan Hargrave. [...]

From Behind – You’ll always feel looked after by this confident, take-charge stud. Still, he can be standoffish at times. “In this position, you can’t make eye contact, so he won’t feel like he’s exposing himself emotionally,” Hargrave explains.

… or he could just have a fetish. Or, in the case of cowgirl, he could just be lazy or tired. There is some general validity to interpreting emotions in sexual positions (men generally connect certain positions to certain types of sex), but in all honesty, inferring someone’s entire personality based upon their favorite sex position is ridiculous. This article also goes on to explain the details of his position afterward — something that means very little, because typically the guy is too tired to care what position he sleeps in, just so long as you don’t crush his arm.

7 Sex Toys That Are Already in Your Bedroom

Bobby Pins - These seemingly innocent hair tools can give some serious pleasure to his ultra-sensitive nipples (and they work on you, too). [...] Then take his tingly sensations up a notch and use the bobby pins as mini-nipple clamps—since the area is already primed for action, the slight pinching will actually feel good and intensify his pleasure.

No. No. No. No. No.

Decode How He Handles His Drink

If he grips his long-neck loosely… Lightly encircling the top of his beer bottle with his thumb and index finger reveals that he’s confident. Not only does the relaxed gesture indicate he feels in control of the situation, but it’s also a bit of cocky posturing — it gives off the vibe that he’s too cool to be concerned with the risk of dropping his beer.

If he pushes the drink near you… Your guy will do this over dinner or at a bar when he’s feeling the urge to bond. Men subconsciously put their stuff in your space when they’re trying to get closer to you.

According to Cosmo, even the way men drink a beer matters. This comes as a surprise to me, as I have yet to determine what would be a normative way to drink a beer, except for possibly just chugging it immediately to avoid being analyzed by a Cosmopolitan-reading date. I’d need the buzz anyway.

First-Date Red Flags

“I never move this fast on the first date.” – Yeah, right! Truth be told: He can’t believe you’re letting him move that fast. “It’s the woman who dictates how far things go,” says Anthony, 23. “I’m always up for action, but I’ll play the prude card just so my date doesn’t think I’m a player.” Bottom line: If you hand a guy a piece of ass on a silver platter, he’s going to take it.

This was inevitable: a comment regarding men being basically sex fiends and taking anything they can get. This, of course, is complete and utter crap. Men turn down sex for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to actually taking a date seriously, not finding the date in question attractive, being hyper-careful about not being too assertive about sex, and simply not wanting sex. Reducing all men to a generalization like “they take sex when handed to them” is just as bad as saying something like “women belong in the kitchen”, and it belies an attempt on the author’s part to reduce men to a compartmentalized, controllable, and ultimately submissive role in male-female relations.

5 Annoying Things Guys Do on Facebook

They Hide Their Relationship Status - The beauty of Facebook is that we can instantly find out if a guy is available or off-limits. No 30-minute talk in a bar, trying to suss out if he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home. But if that info is kept a secret, we’re forced to look through and analyze his photos and wall posts to figure it out — which makes us feel like stalkers. Guys: If you’re single, do us both a favor and make that info public knowledge. And if you’re part of a twosome, own up to it. Especially when we’re one of the two.

They Block Their Photos - We can understand a guy wanting to keep certain people from viewing his pictures. But seeing as how we’re not his mom, boss, or pastor, it bugs us when we can’t see a dude’s photos. Here’s the thing: We always imagine the worst. So when we’re kept in the dark and can’t click through a guy’s albums, we imagine he’s blowing lines, hooking up with two girls at once, or running around naked at a party. Unfair, but true. He’s not saving his reputation by blocking his photos. In fact, not being able to click on them makes us think a little less of him.

I had to keep these in their full text to properly show how absolutely stupid these statements are. Spoiler: Facebook is a massive security risk, and a crappy social networking nightmare. There are very legitimate reasons other than hookers and blow to hide pictures and relationship information online — I personally hide information (or rather, simply do not post it) because I have absolutely no desire to have people I work with sift through images of my personal life. It’s much more efficient to ask anyway. If I or any other guy was doing blow and sleeping with lots of girls, do you really think we’d post pictures of it on Facebook?

What can we learn?

Here’s the moral story of bad Cosmo advice: much like men’s advice in books like Double your Dating and The Pickup Artist, women get bad advice too, and they act on it. The realm of sex columns and sex tabloids has been predominantly ruled by women, but this does not somehow grant them expertise in the field whatsoever. Veritable Carrie Bradshaw wannabe readers of Cosmopolitan are being taught a lot of really dumb, outright ridiculous ideas that give them wild misconceptions about the dating and sex world — and while some of the advice in Cosmopolitan seems perfectly innocuous and reasonable, a good portion of advice in Cosmo and similar magazines (not to mention similar blogs) is just pop psychology half-baked crap.

Thus, like I have always said, be careful what you read, advice-wise. It’s not hard to write articles giving wild advice about dating and sex — it’s a topic most people are interested in that few know enough about to really critique properly. Critique me. Critique other men’s interest magazines. Critique what girls read. Don’t ever just accept what you are told: critically evaluate it and challenge it before you adopt it as fact. Otherwise, you might do some equivalent of using a bobby pin to clip a guy’s nipples.

1. You have to sift through a lot of people to find someone worth it.

The first big thing most people notice on Chat Roulette is the ridiculous speed at which it operates. Likely fueled by a collective desire to be talking to someone better, most people click the “next” button on virtually everyone and everything that is not immediately entertaining, meaning finding someone to even talk to is nearly impossible. Even when you do sit and talk to someone for more than two seconds, many find that the person isn’t that entertaining in the first place. You will almost always find idiot 16 year olds or college students  trying to be “clever” with a mask or a prank, lots of creepy old men, strange people demanding nudity, and the like — it’s all pretty irritating, and time consuming, but necessary to go through if you want to find someone worth talking to.

It works in exactly the same way in the dating world. It takes a long time to sift through all the creeps, desperate girls, and strange women in order to find a good date. The thing is, it’s obligatory — avoiding it entirely results in you possibly losing a good opportunity. Remember, even when you have one or two bad dates, or even if you have to spend hours finding someone even worth talking to, it’s all part of the refinement process — there’s no reason to be depressed.

2. You are never as cool as you think you are.

Another thing you learn quickly on Chat Roulette is that a lot of 14-to-25 year old guys seem to think they look good in tank tops, sunglasses, “club” shirts, or shirtless. Some will have guitars, knives, guns, backwards baseball hats, or other blatant attempts at seeming “cool” or “amusing”. Lazier ones will simply drink copious amounts of alcohol. All seem to operate on the presumption that they look “cool” and “interesting” — that dressing in a certain way and doing certain things will get them female attention.

The truth is anything but. Most of them all look the same: that is, universally stupid. Sure, you can manipulate a web cam all you want, but nothing entirely hides being a try-hard. The same very much happens in the dating world — you can try to act “hardcore” all you want, but most people can spot a fake easily. Be yourself — it’s ultimately more realistic, not to mention rewarding.

3. Rejection matters little.

As I mentioned above, Chat Roulette moves fast, and you’ll get rejected, even when you think you look normal and try to be polite. It happens — people are looking for certain things, and will even go so far as to lie to try to get what they want. Long story short? You will be rejected.

And, like the above, don’t be depressed by it. Rejection happens — it’s part of the refining process, and really an inevitable byproduct of dating. Those who learn to accept rejection and move on are the best kind of daters — they understand they can learn from it, and don’t become too emotionally torn. The worst daters obsess over it, wondering “what if” and obsessively trying again and again. Be like the first group — be willing to learn from rejection, and ultimately accept it as part of the process.

4. Presentation matters, a lot.

Presentation matters, period. In the context of Chat Roulette, it matters in that it is the first thing people see about you — and it determines if they want to chat with you or not. Clothing, hairstyle, the way you are sitting, the first words you say — everything matters.

Real life, especially the dating world, works in the very same way. Though many may claim they don’t care about looks, they do (to some degree), and looks matter — not exclusively in the “handsome” or “ugly” context, but rather how you present yourself, your movements, the way you speak, where you look, and the like. Everything factors in to the construction of the gestalt of your image in their eyes — and you need to manage your image in order to be attractive to the opposite sex. People can and will judge you based on your clothing, your haircut, your shoes, the gestures you make, your mannerisms, the speed and way in which you speak, and everything else possible — it all matters, even if people do not actively realize they judge based upon it. Long story short, work on the way you present yourself, as it matters a lot in the dating world.

5. No-one wants to see you naked. No, really.

This is, by far, the biggest lesson you can learn from Chat Roulette: no normal woman, in any frame of mind, wants to see a random guy naked, pretty much regardless of how good he looks. Certainly, if you have a nice body, she may notice it — but as I’ve mentioned before in other articles, women are not as visual as men, and chances are you’d do leagues better simply wearing clothes than you ever would being naked.

This issue really spawns from an issue with how guys typically think women get turned on. To men, a naked woman is incredibly sexy — so many men think that, to a woman, a naked man is just as sexy. However, it doesn’t entirely work like that — women are much more cerebral about their turn-ons, and the simple availability of a naked man does not a turn-on make.

So, with that being said, the message for real-life application is just as it is online: don’t expect your naked body to be some sort of insta-turn on. Learn to do things more than just strip naked. You’ll be much better off.

1 – Have good pictures, improve them whenever possible

I cannot stress this topic enough: have good pictures and make damn sure they are recent, interesting, and flattering. At least one of these pictures should be a good facial shot, and at least one of these shots should be a not-too-blatant shot of your body. Both of these are absolutely essential.

Under no circumstances should you ever post “myspace shots” (odd angles, mirror shots in the bathroom, etc), pictures of yourself that are edited in photoshop, or group shots that make your identity difficult to ascertain or imposing. Never take photos wearing sunglasses, hats, or other items that may indicate creepiness or being in a state of balding. Do not try to show of “the guns”, that’s stupid. The best photos are ones that are flattering and attractive without being staged, usually taken in interesting places or scenarios (meaning you are an interesting person), and ones that, while not blatant about it, show yourself in enough contexts to show your general looks, including your body shape. Feel free to throw in any conversation starting photos, pending they are legitimate conversation starters: pictures of yourself in your mother’s basement in a kimono carrying a katana you purchased online is not a conversation starter as much as it is very excellent woman repellent.

This should not need mentioning, but I will do so anyway: no nude photos or “sexy photos” or anything even possibly related to those categories. For one thing, you will not do them right. For another thing, they are usually not attractive to women for a bevy of reasons. Do not bother.

2 – Detail is nice, but mystery is also important

Yes, you absolutely must put information on your profile: generally, the more, the better. However, there is a limit to the amount of information you can put on- and at a certain point, you seem excessively wordy and really really boring.

The best example most people are guilty of is posting excessively long lists of favorite movies, music, or books. While these are, much like pictures, phenomenal conversation starters, these also don’t represent you very well, and should be kept relatively terse in terms of other information about you. In a very similar vein, do not post long blocks of information about your past relationship history, your work history, your scholastic achievements, or the like. Frankly, no-one wants to read that, and such information is best divulged gradually through conversation, not explosively through huge swaths of text online. Feel free to go into detail about yourself from a wide angle: just don’t go too deep.

3 – Avoid negativity

Under no circumstances should you ever be negative in your profile- that includes any sort of deriding comment, bitchy rant, or even a long list of requirements you have for women.

The reason for this is fairly obvious: negativity breeds negativity, and you want the reader of your profile to come off with a good taste, not a bad one. There is absolutely no reason you should complain on a stupid short dating website profile. If you want to learn the effect of this negativity, go find a girl’s profile with a lot of complaining on it- undoubtedly, you’ll find her stuck-up, slightly unsavory, and possibly even outright bitchy. If you have issues with the wrong kind of women (or men) sending messages to you, deal with them quietly and without much fanfare.

Do not lie and fill the profile with excuses as to why you are on a dating site. No-one believes your friend dared you to go on the website. No-one believes you came on the site as a joke or on a lark. Few will believe you if you say you came on to see who you got matched up with for “laughs”. Be outright and cop to your interest in dating: no-one is being fooled.

Furthermore, avoid posting stuff that most would find aversive. As I implied above, no creepy Japanophile crap. Do not run your mouth about your creepy fetishes, interests, or obsessions. Do not mention mental disorders. Mention diseases only if necessary (always mention things like AIDS, herpes, and the like- pretending they are not there does not make them disappear). Do not imply any sort of Oedipal connection to your mother, or otherwise confess any sort of strange obsession or situational issue. Indeed, you should mention if you still live with your parents and do not have a job or otherwise have colloquially “failed to launch”- just keep the information terse, do not try to weave a sorrowful tale of your own ineptitude.

Also, a quick addendum: under no circumstances should you ever say a phrase along the lines of “I just got out of a bad relationship” or “Looking for a real woman” or “I want something real“. These are all subversive ways of indicating a bad relationship history, which is not only negative, but incredibly off-putting. No-one wants to be a rebound or a “repair girl”.

4 – Avoid stating the pointless/obvious/common

As mentioned above, everyone on dating sites likes to excessively list favorite music, movies, and similar “favorites”. Further, dating websites tropes exist- little phrases and concepts that seemingly everyone says that, after being repeated so ridiculously often, mean utterly nothing in the big picture. Discard them.

You only need to look at other profiles to see what I’m talking about: get rid of phrases like “fun-loving”, topics like how you’re “just a romantic”, boring repetitive crap like “I’m just a laid back person”, and anything else that you see on other profiles. Don’t insert inane inside jokes, pointless “shout outs” to friends, or other things that will be nothing more than stumbling blocks to the streamlined presentation of you. Trust me, if you don’t delete such useless text, other people will mentally delete it for you.

5 – Don’t be hyper-exclusive

Avoid making excessive lists of demands about your potential date. This is not only negative (see above) but also just really really prohibitive to finding interesting people.

It’s not uncommon to see many profiles laden with what are veritable laundry lists of demands, ranging from “must like [sports team]” to “must be a good cook”. These requirements are basically trash: they are ridiculous requirements that really are not necessary in the search of finding a good mate. Get rid of them. No-one finds it clever that you require liking a band to dating you: rather, it looks arrogant and pigheaded, like a child who refuses to play with other children unless they have the same toys. Open up the “range” of possible dates in virtually every sense- ethnicity, age, locale (within reason), political affiliation, and the like. You’ll be surprised the bevy of amazing people you will find.

6 – Be active and aggressive

This is the defining line between the people who end up making dating sites work for them and others who complain about them not working. Aggressiveness is everything.

Do not be, in the terms of the Japanese, a herbivorous man. Sitting around on a dating site expecting women to come to you is a losing battle: the dating world is still very much a hunter-prey system, with men firmly cemented into the role of the hunter. Because of this, you- yes, you- are expected to initiate contact, continue discussions, and pursue dates. When you want a dating site to work for you, if you pay for it or not, you need to be willing to get on often, message people often, change your profile and pictures often (even if entirely arbitrarily), and  generally consider the entire affair an active process, not a passive one. You are not paying a matchmaker; it is entirely up to you to find your mate- a dating site is merely an advanced tool.

So basically, get your butt out there and work at it. It’s that simple.

Nonetheless, there is something special about James Sears: he’s the best example of a “pickup artist” I’ve ever had. Why? James Sears, AKA “Dmitri the Lover” or “Joseph the Lover” or whatever he wants to call himself, is absolutely, in my professional opinion, insane. Don’t believe me?

James Sears pre-”Dmitri”

James Sears was born in Toronto to a troubled family- allegedly, according to one Toronto Sun article, one parent was an abusive alcoholic, the other struggled with mental illness. In Sears’ own words, “My father was very physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was just a borderline manic, histrionic, dramatic woman, and I did not grow up really understanding what love was”. Despite this troubled history, Sears nonetheless was revealed to be relatively bright, which allowed him to enter the University of Toronto medical school in 1986. During this time Sears also served in the Canadian armed forces.

During Sears’ work in the armed forces, it became remarkably clear that something was wrong with Sears. Initially, it seemingly began with a psychological evaluation of Sears by a Canadian military psychologist, who was called in regarding reportedly “erratic” behavior. It got worse. In 1991, sexual assault allegations regarding Sears’ medical practices began to come into light. According to the accusers, during his work, Sears made “verbal sexual overtures” toward his patients and “sexually assaulted them by attempting to kiss and embrace them”- all during routine checkups. Allegations also emerged that Sears would compulsively masturbate during work by going to the washroom between seeing patients. Sears pled guilty to these allegations in 1992, though he later would note that he felt “pressured” by his lawyer(s). He later appealed these charges, and was subsequently acquitted. Nonetheless, he did not re-acquire his medical license, as the authority on such things in Canada still supposedly found him too much of a live wire. Allegations also emerged during that time that during Sears’ work in the Canadian armed forces, he may have tried to forcibly enter a female officer’s room. Cops allegedly found empty grenade canisters, a stun gun and mace in his room. I cannot personally verify this information.

Essentially powerless without his medical accredidation, Sears immediately took to (relatively) behaving himself with a company that specialized in medical work (which somehow skated around the fact Sears is not an “official” doctor). In 2004, James Sears formally launched the “Toronto Real Men’s Network”, a purportedly “anti-Metrosexual” group supposedly helping men become more “masculine”, allegedly fighting some kind of “feminist alarm”.

TRM Network : The Pitch

The Toronto Real Men’s Network is, well… read it for yourself:

TORONTO REAL MEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM is a community dedicated to de-feminizing the men of Toronto, and encouraging women to become more sexually liberated. Real men are sex hungry studs and real women are bisexual sluts.

Yep. It reads like a 12 year old’s concept of a dating manual, but it’s pretty straightforward: TRM has classes run by James Sears (going now by “Dmitri the Lover”) and his “girlfriend”, who provide a variety of courses oriented towards helping Toronto men feel less guilty about wanting to have sex and pushing them towards doing it as much as humanly possible. The selling point, much like other similar organizations, is that “Dmitri the Lover” sells himslf as some sort of dating/sex god, including noting to potential female browsers about his sexual abilities.

According to Dmitri, men are “born murderers and rapists”- and the only way to come to terms with that, to escape societal repression, and to ultimately get laid is to essentially succumb to those desires, at least in a manageable way. This somehow also seems to include not drinking alcohol for some obtuse unknown-to-this-author reason.

Also according to Dmitri, women are born bisexual sluts- meaning, yes, oversexed uncaring sexpots. Of course, much like the “born murderer and rapist” tagline, Dmitri’s concept of escape from the “prison” of societal control is just letting go- and presumably having sex with anything in sight, probably including him.

Naturally, there is a price tag to all of this. Whereas the bulk of what’s online is free, the courses themselves range anywhere from a couple hundred dollars to, of course, a weekend course for $5997.00 or a 5 day course of $97,500.00 (plus tax).

The Analysis

Here’s where I tear James Sears apart.

First off, let me do my traditional thing and create a disclaimer: I don’t personally know Dmitri the Lover. I don’t know James Sears from Adam, beyond the research I’ve done on the man. Realistically, I seriously doubt I would want to physically meet Sears, nor do I feel I would be able to hold a normal, logical conversation with him, medical degree or not. Some information here could very likely be biased by women who, rightly so, hate him enough to exaggerate his ”evil-ness”. However, that being said, court documents and newspapers do not lie, at least for the most part.

James Sears, in my opinion, is insane. Given the above facts, it is not only clear that Sears may possess behavioral issues and impulse control issues, but it is also pretty clear that he’s a misogynistic idiot. The ridiculous attempt at pop psychology Sears endorses is, frankly, vomit inducing. His concept of the world- with hyper dominant men and hyper sexualized women reminiscint of a Boris Vallejo painting- leads one to question the factors that may have led up to this perception of the world, as well as why he feels it necessary for men to hyper-exert their dominance to women.

Realistically, of course, his “tricks” and “methods” don’t really work- and when they are revealed to an impartial audience, they simply seem stupid. Don’t believe me? Women have recorded voicemails he left them- and yes, they are THAT bad.

Women are not “sluts” and men are not “born murderers and rapists”- this is Sears’ misreading of what is essentially part of Freudian psychological drive theory. Yes, all of us have parts in us who want to have sex with, kill, and eat everything not glued down. Both genders possess these drives to various urges, along with a huge number of other drives that govern our actions. Basic Freudian psychology endorses this idea- it is our looming Id which we bash down every single second of every day. It is, in another sense, part of our pleasure principle.

Does this mean that, in the any sense, we are to let our Id run rampant and operate entirely on the pleasure principle? Absolutely not. Doing so is incredibly ridiculous and childish, and it indicates someone who does not think through the full ramifications of such behavior. Would we all suddenly behave based on our bare impulses, the ability to constructively work for ourselves in the long term- and generally, the ability for us to work collectively- is destroyed. In the great sort of Judeo-Christian sense, it is our ability to withhold pleasure and to sacrifice ourselves in various ways for future pleasure or for the benefit of others that facilitates life as we have it now.

Sure, this theory might work on the club floor, as no doubt David DeAngelo’s books work in that realm- but the club world is not the real world. “Dmitri the Lover” may be able to swagger around a club picking up absolutely piss drunk women with his wide open shirts and his heavy cologne, but this is an incredibly limited and ultimately boring life.

Honestly, the way in which “Dmitri the Lover” constructs his world (or his ideal worldview) leads me to believe that he may have deep seated fears of women and a serious inferiority complex. The need to force upon the world a system where men are hyper-masculine and (in essence) control women leads one to believe that James Sears is afraid of his own masculinity- and, in essence, “needs help” with it. One might liken Sears to the stereotypical American “jock” who overcompensates his masculinity through sports and drinking to hide his fear of being perceived as feminine.

The Take-Away

What can we learn from James Sears?

First off, the most powerful lesson here is merely to not trust pickup artist clubs/schemes. James Sears is not the only mental ward patient running around claiming he can pick up women fueled by arrogance- there are a lot of them, some hiding their insanity better than others. These men may seem powerful and dominant and in control, but this facade is merely that: a facade. Oftentimes, these men only manage to get women through sheer luck independent of their “skills”- and being roped into obeying them (and worse, paying them) is to implicitly gamble on your own love life.

Second off, Sears is a great example of the folly of “manly” culture. Indeed, I (and many other people on many different websites and in many different blogs) wholly endorse being masculine without shame- but there is an upper limit to such behavior. Being truly masculine is often not necessarily feeling the need to scream your gender from the rooftops, but often rather merely the ability to, with dignity, be confident and cool and understand yourself.

1. What is so hard about asking for directions?

It’s all ego and a little bit of wanderlust. The predominant theme, of course, is the ego- and in a general sense, the desire to fix something for oneself. Men typically are acculturated (at least in the west) to be as little interdependent as possible, which is precisely why the problem of “we’re lost” is generally fixed by the thought of “I’ll find a way out by myself”. As well, most guys have a kind of passive desire to discover things for themselves, as opposed to following directions- meaning, in essence, that it’s more “fun” to see the inner mechanisms yourself than to have someone explain it to you in detail.

2. Why do you need a gadget to unlock your car door?

I’m not sure why (stereotypical) women pretend like they don’t have their own gadgetry to fool around with- like vibrating mascara brushes (yes, that does sound dirty) and the like. In general, men like gadgets because they represent the new and the strange- and a lot of guys like the status bonus of having the latest and greatest stuff. As ironic as it may be, this is the exact reason why many self-important “businessmen” once ran around with pagers strapped to their belts- it had nothing to do with convenience as much as it had to do with the ambiance it perceptibly gave them.

3. What is it about “Star Wars”?

“Star Wars” is famous because it is generally accepted to be a really good genre-defining movie. “Star Wars” isn’t what we would consider some sort of tear-jerking masterpiece of writing, but what it does is evokes a sense of fun that only the Sci-Fi genre can. Similarly, movie series like the “Indiana Jones” series do this well not because of the complexity of the story, but because, in a kind of “Flash Gordon” sort of way, we get a kick out of the simplicity and action. Many guys will argue there’s a lot of depth to “Star Wars”- that may or may not be true, but it seems to mainly boil back down to the idea of the genre being fun for the sake of fun.

4. And the “bro hug”? Hug it out or don’t hug it out, you know?

As I’ll also note below, men do not like to touch each other, mainly because inter-male affection is frowned upon in most Western societies. In India and many other countries, this is very different- but you get what your culture has borne, and in this case, it’s a strong sense of personal space between members of the male sex. Would you much rather have us holding hands and hugging affectionately (as happens in the streets of India much more than it does between members of the opposite sex)? I think not.

5. When you keep one seat between you and your buddy at the movies, are you saving room for the holy spirit or what?

See the above. It also happens to give us more leg room and more arm room, which is ultimately more comfortable. If you ever take the time to look, most men sit fairly spread out, which is often cited as an attempt to be dominant and mark space. Females, trained to be relatively compact (both possibly as a sign of submission and also as a way to prevent showing panties in a skirt), do not do this.

6. Why are you so hung up on the bitchy girls?

Why are you so hung up on bitchy guys? The answer is simple: no-one likes problematic people, regardless of gender.

7. If you want to break up with us, why don’t you say so?

I’m not entirely sure where this question comes from (smacks of some angry female author making an article about an ex-boyfriend or something), but the general answer to this is just as complex as with girls: a lot of reasons. Some guys like the sex. Some don’t know how to safely break it off. Some don’t know if they want to break it off themselves. It’s always different and very hard to describe, and very dependent on the situation at hand.

8. Forget about putting the seat down, why don’t you ever change the toilet paper roll?

What kind of silly question is this? Guys are different. I have a good few male friends who actually get so semantic that they debate which way the toilet paper should be hung. If we’re making grandiose stereotypes, allow me to continue with them: we do it because the ever-present debate of toilet paper hanging has yet to be remedied.

9. Why do you ask for our number if you have no intention of calling?

There’s an insane amount of stigma attached to calling a girl, which some guys balk at. Additionally, some guys (myself included, at times) do not understand the proper protocol for certain number-givings. Merely deciding to call is hard enough- if you were vague in any way (or made appearances of being reluctant to give the number), often a guy will read that as a subtle sign and merely not call. In other cases, if you gave the number in a casual situation (i.e. in the sense of a club or meeting or business sort of thing), many guys will not call because they think it falls into the “box” of the aforementioned group, and that it would be rude to call. Even if they do decide to call and want to call, there is something rather intimidating about calling out of the blue for a date- try cold calling a male friend sometime.

10. Seriously, do you not smell that?

There’s actually some validity to the idea that men smell differently than women- but hey, let’s presume that we both do in a similar way. Pending that everything else is equal, everyone (regardless of gender, age, etc) has a very hard time smelling their own body odors after a while, mainly because they acclimate to the smell. Because of that, you too probably smell in some respects, no matter how much cleanser and perfume you may be wearing.

DISCLAIMER: Before we get into this, I know I’m going to get hate mail. I am not trying to be misogynistic here, nor am I trying to attack girls with histories of problems, mental disease, or anything of the sort. Nonetheless, it needs to be understood that there are often gross generalizations that can be made about the caliber of girls that, in my limited career, I have seen cause trouble. Don’t send me angry e-mails.

8. The Trap

“Hey looking for a guy who could help me like with my bills and stuff I am not a complicated girl not expensive just want help in little areas so if you think you fit the bill and want to be friends with benefit that is fine hit me up”

Common Signs: Model-quality photographs, exceptionally terse information, rampant Africa-style misspellings, etc.

The Details: This goes without saying. If it looks fake, it probably is fake. There are a lot of people who, particularly on free sites, hunt around to harass desperate men and women and/or advertise to them- be on the lookout. Remember, the person doesn’t have to be explicitly fake for quite some time- the ‘trap’ could involve a really dedicated homosexual guy trying to find straight guys or any variety of other problems. Hell, there are some entirely legitimate girls looking to pin you on rape charges. Be careful.

How to Handle: Obviously, avoid. For very good reasons.

7. The Insane

“I used to cut myself, but now I take medication, though when I take it, it makes me feel dull.”

Common Signs: Wildly strange interests, any mention of suicide (at all), rampant obsessive behavior, mentioning therapy, etc.

The Details: Insane girls collect online fairly quickly, and thanks to careful editing, they can often seem fairly normal, at least on a superficial level. Unfortunately, the quickest way to find out if a girl truly has mental issues is to actually talk to her more- so you’re always in trouble. Common signs generally include strange fetishes and interests (a sexual interest in knives, for example), clear indications of personal/professional restraint (never finishing highschool for unstated reasons, not being able to hold a job), and general “strangeness”- trust me, it’s easier to see online than you may think.

How to Handle: Handle carefully. If her problems are mere eccentricities, or something you can empathize with, you may be able to deal with it- but don’t become a social-worker-slash-boyfriend. If you even have the remotest idea that there might be a problem, just don’t even try. There are many instances (of both girls and “insane” guys) using suicide or other drastic methods to keep people in relationships.

6. The Druggie

“Doing [mushrooms] was an eye-opening experience, and I try to do it as much as possible. It makes me a smarter person.”

Common Signs: Open admission of Marijuana use, mentions of therapy, talking about going on a “new path” in life, dropping hints about no longer being a “heavy partier”.

The Details: Druggies are hard to deal with. There’s nothing wrong with someone who is clean- however, as sad as it may be, very few actually become 100% clean, and many still retain vestiges of past abuse. You may even get the (dubious) honor of meeting a girl who is a current druggie- I’ve personally gone out on a date with a girl who began talking about her “absolute adoration of ‘shrooms and harder drugs”. From my (admittedly limited) experience with girls of this caliber, they often fall into one of two categories- obsessive personality types (that is, those who easily fall into addiction with something or other) and those who, for various (bad) social reasons, fall into drugs. Either way, there are a lot of problems going on, and clearly, most of them could land someone in jail.

How to Handle: Stay away from these types. You could easily get dragged into the habit, or otherwise implicated- even legally. Let these girls crash and burn on their own time.

5. The Dominatrix

“LOSER MEN DO NOT CONTACT ME. I know I’m good looking. If you think I’d think you are interesting, just try me.”

Common Signs: Excessively harsh commentary, demanding requests, blatant misandry, etc.

The Details: I like to use the term “Dominatrix”, at least in a colloquial sense, to describe women who are so demanding (or so angry after being browbeaten by bad boyfriends) that they become excessively demanding and problematic, often to the point of being annoying and skeptical. For some odd reason, this seems to be blown far out of proportion online, where girls often will presume (needlessly) that all of the men on the site are desperate, and somehow they are a desperately desired commodity to be essentially begged for.

How to Handle: I personally avoid them, but you could possibly tame them. For the most part, girls like this become this way as a defense mechanism, presuming men will exploit them. If you are legitimate enough, you may succeed. Still, most are not worth the time nor the effort.

4. The Lowered Standards

“I’m looking for a long-term relationship. I’m a wonderful person. Please date me! I’m awesome! I really am! I haven’t gone on a date in years and I really want to! I’ll give you sex!”

Common Signs: Desperation dripping from every paragraph.

The Details: Girls like this are arguably the most common on dating sites, and oft the most overlooked. Those with extremely lowered standards are those that- for legitimate or merely psychological reasons- feel that they do not make the “cut” for a normal man, and begin to search for some sort of surrogate alternative. Many morbidly obese women, as you may guess, fall into this category.

How to Handle: Be careful. Girls like this oftentimes decide, independent of your actual worth, to simply take whatever comes their way. Do not get wrapped up in what you perceive to be a good relationship.

3. The Slut

“Who wants 2 hook up 2nite?”

Common Signs: Nude photos, nearly nude photos, sexual innuendo, any kind of references to sex.

The Details: The name says it all. Sluts are the kinds of girls who are essentially wallowing in their own libido, often to the point of being sexually involved with any man that seems “hot”. As you can probably imagine, this oftentimes results in the spread of STDs and other nastiness you don’t want to be involved in. Even outside of the potential for diseases, girls of this caliber often have major (Daddy) issues, which spawn a lot of their promiscuity.

How to Handle: Despite how attractive/available she may be, avoid these girls like the plague, mainly because they could very well be carrying the plague.

2. The “Broken”

“I had an abortion in the past with my ex-boyfriend I used to live with back when we were engaged and about to go to grad school”

Common Signs: Desperation, excessive secrecy, questionable circumstances, obvious perceptions of themselves as “broken”.

The Details: Girls who perceive themselves to be “broken” are very dangerous to be dating. On one hand, much like “The Lowered Standards”, they grasp for anything available to them, perceiving internal failure- be it some sort of physical defect, mental defect, emotional problem, you name it. The problem with this is often not the problem itself, but rather the methodology: the girls quickly develop complexes, and use it to foster incredibly unhealthy relationships based on desperation. The nature of their “brokenness” varies from girl to girl, but it oftentimes has a lot to do with prior dating- be it a prior pregnancy, some STD, a rape, or the like.

How to Handle: Be incredibly careful. If she seems too good to be true, she probably is. Everyone has secrets, but hers may not be something you want to handle. These girls can be amazing, so don’t write them off, but understand that their reasons for dating may be less than normal.

1. The Ticking Timebomb

“I really love kids! I’m a teacher and I adore babies! I really want to be a mommy someday. I really want to be a stay-at-home mom and have my husband work. I love babysitting!”

Common Signs: Any mention of liking children obsessively, mentions of babies, adoration of being a “wife” in the future, etc.

The Details: These girls are ticking timebombs in every sense of the word. Typically at a certain age (as early as 18, which is scary), girls suddenly get “the urge”- that is, they want a kid, and they want it now. Quite a bit of this is hormonal, other parts of it sociocultural, but all of it is dangerous. Girls like this typically let this obsession fester into a number of unhealthy activities, which generally manifest themselves online in the way of rampant manhunting. Girls like this are prone to being oddly openly sexual, laser-focused on marriage, and incessantly focused on family-related topics- even things like introducing you to her parents.

How to Handle: Run away.

As many of you know, I’ve written previous guides along these lines for normal dating- but apparently, first dating is hard. First dates are oftentimes a completely different game- they can be difficult and end up going very well (serious connection with a girl culminating in a kiss), or really poorly (proverbially holding your head in your hands as your histrionic date talks about her ex boyfriends and texts them during the date (true story(!))). So, to help alleviate some worries, answer many e-mails I’ve gotten, and help out you in your next first date (that could always be your last first date!), here are some tips to make your first date the best damn first date ever.

Ground Rules

First off, let’s set off some overarching ground rules for your first date- from planning to the date itself.

Rule 1: No sex. I know this is a silly first rule to have, but virtually everyone in the dating community (who actually is part of the legitimate dating community) agrees with me: no sex on the first date, period. No nudity. Hell, even making out is pushing it. At most, a good date can end with a kiss- but said kiss should never be presumed to happen, but it should be the good ending of a great date- not the obligatory ending to a mediocre date.

Rule 2: Plan, plan, plan. Though it seems silly, plan out things if you can- but don’t make it obvious. Reserve the restaurant for the time of the date- and make sure your date can eat stuff off the menu. Plan a time in which your mind is free of outside worries. Obviously, have enough cash to pay for things. If she wants to go on a walk, try to know the surrounding area. While there is such a thing as over planning (never let your plans dominate the date- be flexible!), try to make things as easy as possible.

Rule 3: Show your best aspects, but learn more than tell. Of course, the idea here is to get to know your date. Be on your best behavior throughout the entire process- but really, worry less about talking/showing yourself and more about your date. Remember, she has as much of an onus to show you her worth as you do showing her your worth.

Rule 4: Keep yourself aloof, at least early on. No talking about marriage, your problems, or similar issues. Don’t show her to all of your friends, and don’t meet all of her friends. Don’t make long term promises. A first date is exploratory, not any indicator of marriage or something. Remember this.

Part 1: Prep Time

Okay, so, let’s hit the ground running. For the sake of making this a short article, I’m going to presume that somehow, you’ve found a girl, and you’re ready to ask her out on a date. Thankfully, you’ve done most of the work- pending the girl is telling the truth, she’s already shown enough interest to justify going on a date with you: you’re 75% of the way. The problem is, now, you have to pull out all the stops and amaze her with a great first date that will not only give her a taste of you, but leave her wanting at the same time.

First off, call her and make direct plans. Do not waffle, do not ask her what she “likes” or “wants”. Of course, you’ll want to have a few options- a few restaurants, a few movies or activity ideas, etc- but generally, the idea is to have things in mind and be confident in your ideas. Have a general idea of the menu, and ensure wherever you go has the opportunity for special diets (vegetarians/vegans, allergies, etc) to be accommodated. Plan a day, a time, and a location at minimum- basically, treat it like any other appointment you may have. Naturally, figure out transportation- figure out if you’ll pick her up (nice, but sometimes a bit intrusive for some girls), or if you’ll meet her there.

Second off, plan. Almost immediately when you hang up, make reservations for the restaurant you chose, if reservations are available. Buy tickets if you plan to go to a movie or show- most theaters make advance tickets available, even online. Clear plenty of time around the date, allowing you plenty of time to shower, dress, and devote your mind to the date. Basically, make all the calls necessary.

I can’t stress planning enough. Planning is what makes or breaks the logistics of a date. Right before the date, everything necessary should be fully prepared for to the best degree you can- virtually every part of you should be ready for the date, from head to toe and everything around you. You should have clothes ironed (if necessary), clean, and ready to go. You should be well groomed in every respect, from your hair to your finger/toenails to any stray body hair. Your car should be clean, if applicable, and obviously ready to make the drive to and from your date location. You should have all the cash you need to pay for the meal twice over, and then any accessory costs- be it dessert or just extra activities outside the main date. Obviously, if there is any sort of chance she may come to your place (not advisable), make sure your apartment/house is clean. In essence, you should be ready to make this date the best damn date ever- and you should do nothing to keep it from being as such.

Ideally, a date should be planned around something that you can do together, with plenty of chances to talk. Movie theaters are a poor choice. Talking over dinner, though stereotypical, is a great option, as it opens up plenty of discussion opportunities. Doing something like walking through a park is also a great option. Cooking classes and other fun, random endeavors are also fun, pending they don’t distract you/her too much. Avoid going overboard (keep the girl in her comfort zone- don’t take her off skydiving or something), and keep the date fun (no creepy “come-to-my-place-and-lets-talk” dates)- focus on conversation as much as you can and keep the activity light.

Despite all of this planning, be flexible. Understand your date, despite her interest in you, may not be able to commit to a ridiculously planned, demanding schedule. Don’t be miffed if she has to change dates or otherwise has to postpone the date- emergencies do come up. Obviously, don’t expect a date to go perfectly, either- though you want to make it such, perfect dates never exist, and you should be flexible enough to adapt to any sort of circumstance- be it a restaurant being full up, a car breakdown, rain, a movie theater breaking down, or that sort of thing. Ideally, the girl should never know you planned a lot, but it should show.

So far as what you should wear/be like, be yourself, but be yourself dressed up to a certain level. Even for a movie date, wear nice pants (nice jeans are okay in more casual situations), a good shirt, and good cologne. Shoes should be clean and usable, even for the longest of walks. Avoid ostentatious fashion or super-formal wear- stick with something fun and traditional, that shows yourself, but keeps you looking nice. Cologne, much like we’ve talked about on this website before, should be faint and nice. Avoid excessive gel or jewelry or anything- keep yourself simple, versatile, and fun.

Notes

• Don’t take a girl standing you up beforehand too personally. While it obviously is the equivalent of a slap in the face and/or a kick in the groin, remember girls whom make dates and avoid them later should not be dated in the first place. As a general rule, give a girl two chances to move the date if she “can’t make it”- and if she clearly is not interested, then just ignore her and move on.
• When you reserve a restaurant or buy a ticket, do so as early as possible. Good restaurants and movies fill up quickly, and it can often leave you unable to provide a date you “promised”. Strike early.
• If you have to make changes, tell her ASAP. Treat a date somewhat like a business meeting- keep people posted. Don’t change things abruptly.
• Plan to wear good clothing, especially good shoes. Many girls, who learned from their mothers, look to shoes for the quality of a man- and then, after that, they sometimes look at the style/brand of clothing he has on. Wear damn good shoes.
• Speaking of clothing, prepare for the weather. Clothing should neither be too thin or too thick. Remember, no matter the season, it may rain, get suddenly cold/hot, or just become unpleasant. Wear something as much of in the “middle of the road” as possible.

Part 2: Date Time

So, it’s the day of the date, and everything’s going as planned. How do you keep the date going well?

First off, remember, conversation is everything. If you prioritize anything, prioritize the ability to keep a conversation going. A good date will help this along, but even if she doesn’t, try your damnedest to keep her talking. Ask questions as much as possible- people love talking about themselves, so use that to your advantage. Without being stalker-ish, try to learn as much about your date (her interests/hobbies, her work/school, any animals she may have, her week, that sort of thing) and ask about them. Though it may be incredibly tempting, do NOT ramble about yourself- answer her questions and elaborate as necessary, but don’t spend too much time. Leave her wanting more information. If you have trouble talking- if she’s being difficult, or you just naturally have trouble in conversations period- ask questions and remain as light as possible. Oftentimes, there is no negative in honestly admitting you’re nervous/excited/naturally bad at conversations- don’t worry about admitting so.

Whatever you do, during conversation, remain yourself. Don’t fake anything. Don’t lie. Humans are inherently incredibly good at detecting lies and fakery, especially ham-handed attempts at being “cool”- so don’t even try it. Being yourself is more than sufficient for even the best girls in the world. Remember, the idea is for her to get to know you, not get to know who you want to be. Of course, you’ll want to be fun and interesting- don’t mope around and act boring just because that’s the “real” you- but be as true to yourself as possible.

Second off, make everything as easy and respectful as possible. This is where the planning comes into play. Your goal, as the male in the date, is to make the date as easy and worry free as possible: your date should not have to worry about anything at all. Pay for meals and other costs, if at all possible. Be kind to the waiter/waitress, and tip well. Ensure that she has what she needs- if it may rain, make sure you have an umbrella. Generally, remove the big questions from your date’s mind- she’ll thank you for it.

On top of this, exude manners like a refined gentleman. Hold doors- that includes car doors. Only begin eating after she begins eating. Avoid bad table manners. Use “please” and “thank you” as much as you can. Essentially, treat your date like a princess, no matter how silly it may be- it will not only impress her, but any of her friends. I’ve met a ridiculous amount of girls who have rules about the “quality” of guys as related to their manners in this regard- so brush up on your manners and knock her socks off. As silly as it may sound, most girls like to be treated like royalty at dates, as most dates are special to them- use this to your advantage.

Third off, end on a high note. This is where things get confusing, but important. After your date- after the movie, dinner, or whatever you have planned- remember to end on a high note and make her wanting more, not less. As I mentioned above, you want to have a clear, definitive ending to your date, leaving everything on a high note- not on a low note. Dinner dates, except uncommon ones, last about two to three hours: expect about that much, and no more, for a first date. Though she may be far too old for it, be sure to get her home before her “curfew”- don’t overextend your welcome, and make sure to give her plenty of opportunities to end it herself.

And, finally, the option of a kiss, a hug, or nothing at all. This is VERY dependent on the nature of the date (if it went well, if the girl is more open or not, etc), and it should entirely depend on how the flow is going. If the date is going incredibly well and you felt as if you connected well, going “in” for a kiss is a very viable option. However, hugging is fine too- and it is not an indication of disinterest or anything similar, so long as you aren’t cold about it. Play it by ear. I can’t give you a definitive answer- just go with the flow, and avoid being a pig. Just remember, no sex.

Notes

• Remember, you always have the option to get out too- so don’t stress out too much. Your date has as much of a responsibility to impress you as you do her. You can easily choose to not see her again, rather than the other way around.
• Focus on her. Eat lightly. Don’t zone her out and look around. Focus on her first, the food/movie/whatever second.
• Be nice to everyone. Be nice to wait staff, employees, other people, and the like. Most girls watch this carefully.
• Carry plenty of money and handle financial transactions discreetly for obvious reasons.
• Turn your cell phone off. Under no circumstances should it ever be on during a date unless there is the potential for a massive emergency involving something only you could fix. Texting is tantamount to slapping your date in the face.
• Avoid talking about anything inflammatory- ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, heavy political topics, etc. It is fine to talk about these in a joking, casual way, but no further. It is not fine to talk about religion, politics, ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends, personal problems (physical, mental, or otherwise), or other “heavy” topics. Leave these for subsequent dates and more private settings.
• On this topic, just don’t talk about heavy sexual topics. She’ll know you’re sending out feelers.
• PAY ATTENTION. You gain brownie points for actually remembering what she says.
• A first date kiss should be simple, romantic, but without sexuality. Don’t oversell it. Don’t make out. A single kiss can leave her wanting a lot more.

Part 3: After the Date

After a date, don’t drop the ball. If the date went well, don’t forget to keep the ball rolling- you can easily do perfectly during the date and ruin it afterward!

Plan to call at least two days and not more than 7 days after the date. Don’t do it the hour after, nor would it be entirely advisable to do so the day after- not unless you stay in contact a lot anyway. Give her a little bit of time to process the date, then propose a second. Any more than 7 days and you’re making it clear you aren’t interested. You don’t really have to propose another date, of course- calling to say you really enjoyed the date is fine enough to leave your proverbial calling card.

No matter how well the date went, don’t run around like crazy making her your new “girlfriend in training”. Don’t go off and talk about her to all of your buddies, your family, and your coworkers incessantly. Have some restraint- too much expectation can be creepy. Of course, you can talk about her- she’ll be flattered- just avoid making the insinuation that her going on a date with you made you a “couple” of some sort.

Finally, make every next date that much better. Keep knocking her socks off. Don’t let the first date be the best she ever gets. Every date is a learning experience- so, as much as possible, learn about your date and make all subsequent dates better if at all possible. Girls hate guys who have one good date and then a series of uninspired, boring crap-fests.

In Closing…

First dates are scary for everyone-even myself, despite the irony of the fact I’m writing this article. The work of having to basically sell oneself- that is, to make oneself attractive to a potential mate for the very first time- is a very intimidating thing. Though planning and pracice help, nothing can truly prepare you for a good date quite like just being yourself- as being yourself allows you to really, truly connect with your date and develop a true relationship, not a feigned one.

The Warning Signs

10: The single life suddenly seems enviable.

When you begin to envy your single friends and how they seem “free”, then you have an issue. Every guy has times he wishes he was free- for example, when a beautiful girl passes you by in the mall or something- but this applies to the deep down desire to be “free” that many guys feel after being in a relationship they secretly hate.

Warning Signs:

• Envying your single friends on a regular basis- i.e. just envying them for the sake of their freedom to do anything they like
• Feeling restricted or constrained in non-romantic things, even when your girlfriend is not around
• Lying to friends about your dating situation- such as pretending to be single

9: You can’t see yourself with her 10 years down the road.

A good relationship is the type where you are 100% involved and into it- and if you can’t see yourself with someone down the road, oftentimes (but not always!), you are in a bad relationship. Never date out of obligation or the feeling that something better will come along- rather, date because you feel like the person you are dating is worth devoting a part of your life to. Sure, no-one expects you to use this rule for a girl you met yesterday, but for relationships that last longer than a year, you need to seriously begin to think about your relationship’s long-term potential- mainly, if it exists or not.

Warning Signs:

• You mentally plan finding another (better) girl down the road
• You intentionally devise ways or reasons for you to back out of the relationship in case you find said better girl
• You often lie to friends and/or family about your intentions with her (such as saying you have plans)
• The girl you date pressures you into making relationship landmarks (such as proposing!)

8: You ideologically clash.

Some people work best when they don’t agree on everything- after all, you should date an individual person, not an absolute clone of yourself. Still, there are sometimes when ideologies clash and you simply don’t work out. If you are a staunch Democrat, you won’t do well dating the personification of Ann Coulter, and you should know that- and the opposite obviously applies as well. Even on a religious basis, clash can occur- be careful to not bend your own beliefs in an attempt to retro-fit a girl into your life.

Warning Signs:

• You secretly think most/all of her political/religious opinions are stupid
• You often hold back from giving your honest opinion because you know she will be irritated/angry
• She makes a conscious effort to try to “convert” you to her side- when you don’t plan to budge- and it causes relationship issues

7: Your friends/parents don’t like her.

Believe it or not, your parents and friends often know a lot more about someone who would work for you better than you do. If your parents and friends are giving you a big “NO” and/or “STOP” in terms of a girl, they have a reason- and oftentimes, especially in regards to friends, it’s a good reason. It takes a third party to see some issues before they happen- so honestly take the advice you can get!

Warning Signs:

• You are only invited to functions if your girlfriend is not coming
• Your friends and/or parents have mentioned something to you before

6: Talking becomes a chore.

This is a big one, and even I’ve had this happen before. When, in discussion, you feel like you have to “force a discussion” or even just struggle to keep a conversation going, there is a problem. Naturally, no-one expects you to talk to a girl nonstop, and some relationships work well without day-long discussions- but if the discussions you have are horribly forced and contrived, you have an issue.

Warning Signs:

• You have to forcibly start or maintain conversations- especially if you know she’s not enjoying them
• You feel obligated or forced to talk (especially if you’ve gotten the “we don’t talk much” lecture)
• She complains about your conversations, or otherwise indicates she’s dissatisfied with your responses (on a regular basis)

5: You don’t keep in contact often.

Just like #6, if keeping in contact or knowing what your girlfriend is up to is a chore, you have a problem. Of course, no-one expects you to keep up with her 24/7 (trust me, this is actually bad)- but if you’re going long swaths of time without contacting each other, even by e-mail or by phone, you have a massive, massive issue.

Warning Signs:

• Without good reason, you have not talked, called, e-mailed, or otherwise “touched base” in a week.
• You can tell you’re being ignored- for example, seeing her online chatting with friends when she “mysteriously” never responds to you.
• You have to find out things about her everyday life via her friends.

4: You have to force romance.

This all goes along with the top two, but it means much more. If you feel like the relationship is all about you pushing false romance forward- if your girl is sitting there and accepting your efforts and not giving anything back- then you have a major issue. Oftentimes, couples with this issue end up having nothing romantic together but sex- and that’s a damn bad sign. Like virtually every dating book on the market says, dating is a two way street- and if you don’t feel like it really is one, you have a problem.

Warning Signs:

• Any romantic attempts you make- from flowers to special dates- go ignored
• You generally feel as if you put much more effort into the relationship
• You feel as if the only intimate thing between you and your partner is sex

3: Your personalities are too different.

Chemistry is a very very important part of any relationship, and oftentimes, personalities clash to the point of making a relationship impossible. If you’re the type that absolutely must stay inside and relax and you’re dating a girl who wants to always go out, who wants to be the center of attention and who hates being indoors, you will have an issue. Of course, opposites attract, and you should always see how you work with a girl’s personality, but some things just don’t work- and if that’s the case, you might want to re-consider dating.

Warning Signs:

• You often find your egos clash- without any kind of clear make-up
• You find her personality to be annoying or “fake”, or any variant thereof
• She often expresses how she wishes you “acted more like ________”

2: You aren’t getting what you need.

This sounds vague, but it means exactly how it sounds- and no, it’s not all about sex, either. If you expect something from your partner (for example, let’s say intelligent conversations) and she cannot provide that to you whatsoever (she’s absolutely irredeemably stupid), you have an issue. If you enjoy playing video games and want a girl to play with you but end up getting chastised for asking her to play, you have an issue. Of course, this is very hard to tell- there’s a thin line between reasonable demands and unreasonable demands- but there are some things you should never budge on.

Warning Signs:

• If you had to make a list of things your ideal girl would have, she would possess few or none of them.
• You often feel as if you aren’t able to do all the things you want with your partner
• You are sexually mismatched- she is unable to provide what you want/like and you cannot come to a middle ground.
• As a subset of the above, you begin to use pornography to “make up” for what you can’t get from her.

1: You have no physical attraction.

Yes, this is number 1. I generally contemplated placing this “lower”, but knowing all of the guys I have helped out over the years and the typical male mind, this is number one by FAR. For guys, physical attraction is very important, as it facilitates our response to girls on a sheer physical level- which, of course, allows us to foster relationships on an emotional and mental level as well. Don’t discount this as important: in fact, I would argue that if you don’t have at least a bare physical attraction, you’re in a bad relationship. Remember, you aren’t supposed to be looking for a supermodel- but if you look at your partner and cringe, you have a problem.

Warning Signs:

• You simply do not find her attractive
• You often find yourself thinking of other girls while you date her, or finding excuses to keep the relationship online/via phone

So what do I do?

1. Don’t let yourself ruin a relationship just because of an article. These points are ideas, and oftentimes you can too easily presume your relationship is bad. Before you do anything, talk to your partner. You’d be surprised how many things she does that irritate you that she has no idea cause any problem.
2. If you must close a relationship, do it properly. Don’t send a breakup text message. Meet the girl, lay out your issues (See above), and if she won’t compromise, end the relationship on a good, but final, note.
3. Move on. Don’t go for a “rebound” girl, but try dating again- don’t get discouraged. There are always more girls to date!

Kissing/Making Out

Kissing is wonderful. The best kinds of kisses tend to be between two people with mutual feelings for each other. It can be a simple peck to say “good morning,” or it could be steamy and head-spinning number that leads to much more. Regardless of the purpose of your kiss, there are some things you should keep in mind:

Vary the intensity of the kisses.

Soft, light kisses make the body tingle; hard, passionate kisses make heads spin. Don’t keep the same pace the whole time or your partner will likely become uninterested. Keep her excited by combining slow kisses with fast kisses, shorter kisses with longer ones, and by adding some nibbling here and there. She’ll melt.

Don’t leave kissing for just the lips.

It gets boring and won’t get your partner as excited as if you switched it up. However, try not to go for the R-Rated spots just yet. A kiss on the cheek or the forehead will have her anticipating a slow, romantic time, whereas a kiss to the neck or the ear gets things hotter.

Easy with the tongue.

It’s common for people to get excited and want to use whatever means to get closer and make contact with even more of their partner’s body, but when it comes to making out, try to keep it simple. Ease into it and try not to use your tongue too early or too much; with making out, it’s best to keep things simple. Use that energy for other things, like what often follows making out.

Pay attention to her reactions.

Does she try to back away from you when you press hard? Take the hint and back off. Does she push her lips firmer against yours when you’re kissing her softly? Take the hint and kiss harder. Listen to her breathing when you’re kissing, too; heavier breathing means she’s enjoying herself; sighing means she’s really feeling the kiss for more than just lips touching lips. Things like yawning may mean you should try a different approach.

Touching/Fondling

One of the five senses, “touch” is a very powerful way of connecting with others. Touching one’s arm while talking to them shows interest, a quick massage can relax and revitalize someone, and a caress can send shivers to every inch of a person if done appropriately. In order to help you determine how befitting yours are, we have these pointers:

Never have idle hands.

When kissing, pulling her into you closer by the back of the head, around the waist, or at her butt will get things amped up. Running your hands up and down her arms or holding her tight are big pleasers as well.

Massages are wonderful.

You don’t have to lay her down and bust out a towel, hot stones, and massage oils, but nothing sets the mood quite like a massage. Pressing into her and making small circles with your fingers will loosen her up and relax her. When you’re done, she’s likely to return the favor. Never rush massages, though; you could end up hurting her, which is never good.

Don’t use the “milking a cow” technique. Ever.

Yes, breasts are pretty fun, but never under any circumstances pull them (unless you’re involved in a BDSM deal, in which case you probably wouldn’t be reading this anyways). Keep in mind that smaller breasts tend to be more sensitive than larger ones, but all of them have nerves. Please respect that. Otherwise we may try the “technique” on you.

Don’t rub too hard for too long, especially if it’s dry contact.

If you’re playing with her breasts and rolling her nipples between your fingers or similar, please, please, please be soft. If you use too much pressure, especially when it’s dry skin touching dry skin, you will cause a burning sensation, chaffing, and/or bleeding. The pain is unbelievable, especially when she goes to put a piece of clothing on over them. Keep things at least somewhat wet so no irritation will follow.

Oral

Giving-

Giving oral to a girl can either be for her sheer pleasure and a way of getting her to orgasm, or as a way to prepare her for intercourse. Depending on your situation, different things are okay to do. The following pertain mostly to the times when your goal is to simply please her:

Start things off right.

The first few brushes will be the most intense because her body will be just starting to warm up. Take advantage of that and be slow and methodical with your strokes. Also, keep away from the clitoris until she’s fully ready; premature taction can cause pain and discomfort, two common mood-killers.

No biting.

At least, not hard biting, and not right away. Nibbling should be done after your partner is pretty turned on, otherwise her body will be too sensitive and it will cause pain. Suck and lick her for a while before using teeth.

Don’t get bored and give up.

The average woman takes about twice as long as the average man to reach orgasm. Maybe you climaxed after 5 or 6 minutes of her giving, but don’t expect her to always do the same. Maybe your tongue and mouth get tired; that’s what you use fingers for. Never rest your head on her thigh because you’re tired. She’ll be distracted and offended by the contact, resulting in even more time to get her to orgasm. In other words, if you think you might be giving oral in the near future, be rested and ready for about 15+ minutes of (highly rewarding) work.

Don’t start kissing immediately after cunnilingus.

Most girls find their scent and taste to be disgusting and have no interest in tasting it from your mouth. In time, they probably won’t notice it too much, but it’s always welcomed for you to take a drink of water or something before kissing. However, there are some girls that have no problem with it, and some even get turned on by it. Just play it safe at first, or better yet, ask her.

Receiving-

It’s a common misconception that all girls despise giving blowjobs. While some may be uncomfortable with it, others want to make you one happy camper and enjoy either the act of giving it or the fact that they can make you so happy from something. Be respectful and follow these little rules and you’re sure to have your partner coming back for more:

Relax.

If you’re tense and unfocused, you’ll kill the mood. The more relaxed and at ease you are, the easier it is for your partner to get comfortable and concentrate on pleasuring you as much as possible.

Don’t force her head to take too much.

Sure, it’s pretty common for guys put their hands on the back of girls’ heads when receiving oral, but things like ‘gag reflexes’ do indeed exist. Let your partner decide how much of you they can handle at a time. If she can take it all with ease? Luck you, you get to be deep-throated. If she can’t? That’s quite an ego boost to know you’re too big for her to take.

Hold her hair.

Hair gets in the way of the giver. It can get in your partner’s mouth, causing her to gag or stop things while trying to fix her hair. Or, if she has to use her own hands to hold it back, that could take away from the pleasure; those hands could be touching you! By holding her hair back, it shows that you’re getting into it and that you care enough to help her. Plus, it lets you see everything that’s going on better. You know you want to.

Give her a warning when you’re about to orgasm.

Surprises are great and all, but when it comes to orgasms it’s best to just tell her.
It’s the polite thing to do, and it gives her a chance to decide what to do when it hits.

Intercourse

Having sex is part physical, but most of it is how well two (sometimes more, but that’s separate) people connect. If you’re having sex with someone, it means you trust them to a degree. It also means you’re both interested in pleasing yourselves and each other. To help you out, we have some things to remember:

Don’t be silent.

Feedback is key when it comes to just about everything, especially sex. Like the way she swivels her hips when you’re inside her? Tell her! Don’t like her heels digging into you? Also tell her, but in a constructive manner, like putting her feet somewhere else and then raving about how great it feels.

Don’t fake pleasure.

Moaning, screaming, panting, and calling out her name are all absolutely fantastic, but only when you mean it. Not only will she probably know you’re faking, but lying to her is one of the cruelest things you could do.

Do what’s in the best interest of you and your partner, and know your limits.

Sometimes going at it hard will be exactly what you want to do, but only do things you know your partner can handle. If she’s tiny or weak, it would be in your best interest not to pound her senseless into a wall. If she’s big or strong, you’ll need to use a bit more energy to make sure she’s enjoying it.

Be open about your likes and dislikes, and be sure to know your partner’s.

This changes partner-to-partner. Maybe your last girl liked things slow and soft, but your new girl may want her hair pulled and to be spanked. Being open with each other makes things more satisfying overall when you’re together. Bonus: when you talk about it, you’ll probably both be ready to get behind closed doors and start trying things out! Make sure you know her stance on experimentation, too; maybe you’re jonesing for anal, but you better know how your partner feels incase her backdoor is off-limits.