Part 1 – Freshman Year: The Frat Party

Preparation – First off, prepare to wait to get in. I have seen some lines as long as an hour, just to get past the front door. Think about what will be comfortable to wear outside while you wait, but also where you will put all those parkas once you do get in. If you have a friend with a car, you can stash things there just before your grand entrance. Also, most frat parties require a small fee to get in, usually no more than 5 dollars (bring cash), in addition to needing a school ID.

Going with friends is always recommended for a frat party. Going stag, especially if you are female, is very dangerous. If you do have friends, know how much you are all planning on drinking. It is always best if there is a sober one around to help out in case things go south. Always plan on having a Designated Driver (DD) if there is any driving to be done.

Wearing shoes is also a must-do. Most fratboys lay down a tarp or other plastic groundcloth on the ground in this hall of guzzling to prepare for the worst. By the end of the night, it will be a sticky mess as people spill their drinks. Walking barefoot on this unpleasant pile is not fun.

Setting up a sort of “Buddy System” isn’t a bad idea either. Even if you aren’t in the same room with them, knowing that somebody is there with you can be a lifesaver. You know you have somebody to walk home with, and at worst case, to take care of you if things go south.

Finally, make sure to get something in your stomach. Partying on an empty stomach is a bad idea. You’ll get drunker faster, and sicker stronger. Aim for comfort foods with lots of carbohydrates to soak up that liquor, such as bread or rice.

Setting – Most frat parties are separated into only a few rooms of the frat house. The dance floor is where you’ll find the majority of the people. Wall to wall, these moving masses will be putting off enough sweat to drown an elephant. It’s going to be hot, and it’s going to be crazy. It will also most likely be a lot of fun. Don’t be afraid to show off those moves that your mother may have taught you; even simple swaying of the arms and buckling of the knees will be acceptable. People aren’t there because its a dance competition.

Most frats will also have a room dedicated to the graceful art of getting shitfaced. Drinks will most likely include a suicide mix of Everclear and a few gallons of fruit punch to dilute it (commonly known as jungle juice). Everclear runs anywhere from 75-95% pure grain alcohol, so don’t be surprised if it tastes as bad as that description makes it sound. Again, people aren’t there to enjoy the liquor, they are there to get their Bobby Brown on. There will also most likely be a few hundred cans of the cheapest beer in town for those who consider jungle juice too girly for them. Usually, either choice will give you the same results.

Liquor is a limited resource, much like oil in the Middle East, and it does run out. No, it is not appropriate to use a “shock and awe” campaign to sneak in to a back room in search of more liquor. I’d suggest grabbing some alcohol as soon as you get in, and relying on that to get your buzz on. Going back for more liquor, especially if you arrive late, could mean a sober night.

The outside. You will find various things out in the wilderness of a frat house’s backyard. Smokers, kegs, tired females, and migratory trails of men making their way to the back hedges to urinate are common sights. If the bathroom is full, don’t be afraid to join them. Do be afraid if a female follows you out there. Popping squats is generally not acceptable, and, might I add, not very pleasant to witness.

Socializing – No matter who you talk to, people will say that they go to parties to have fun. For all of their stigmas, frat parties are no exceptions. Frat parties are very fun places to go and meet people if you have the right mentality about it. Do not go expecting to have any intellectual forms of conversation. It will most likely be too loud to understand complex sentences from another anyway. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends. Hopefully, you or a friend with you knows other people at the party. Loudly yelling introductions is always fun, and can lead to meeting even more people. Frat parties are great ways to expand your circle of friends.

Be wary however of certain frat stereotypes. Drunk girls are usually exactly what they seem, very drunk, and this can lead to bad situations. If she is literally swaying on her feet, stay away. She most likely won’t remember your name even if you do introduce yourself. There is also a bonus danger of being left the only one to take care of her when she begins vomiting. Overly drunk guys, similarly, can be dangerous. Frat guys are known to be loud, boisterous, and violent for a reason. Unless you want to get a few “bro-fists” in the chest, be wary that a guy who seems like a fun party animal can take a comment wrong and get angry very quickly. I’ve been that guy before, and it is very easy to get angry when you misunderstand something.

Finally, know that meeting women at a frat party isn’t the worst thing ever, as long as you don’t treat it as a date. If you do happen to meet someone you’re interested in, I’d suggest getting to know them better outside of the party. Ask for a number, a name for Facebook, whatever. Just don’t expect things to get hot and heavy right then and there. If she does start to get a little too flirty, she probably isn’t into you for your witty conversation skills.

Protips –

1. Never ever drink from a cup that has left your hand. If you put it down, leave it there. Drinking from an unknown cup could lead to many horrible things. GHB isn’t called the date-rape drug for no reason. Also, taking pills or doing other sorts of drugs that you or a friend didn’t personally bring is dangerous for the exact same reasons.

2. Planning an activity the following morning (or afternoon) is a great idea as well. Everybody loves brunch. Plus, it’s a great place to invite any interesting people you met the night before. Be aware that most people will likely have hangovers, if they did anything right. Plan for a place where the food goes down easy and won’t induce any sort of food sickness (Pancakes good, raw squid bad).
3. If you know one of the people throwing the party, or are affiliated to the frat, bringing something as a gift for the brothers throwing it isn’t a half-bad idea. Giving them something other than jungle juice to drink can make a great impact, and will lead to them inviting you again, and possibly to any special privileges the house provides (secret bathroom, no lines!).

Disaster Situations -

The Drunk Friend. So your bud had too much and is now making a fool of himself, or worse, throwing up all over. Whatever you do, do not leave him there. I repeat, do not leave him. Send somebody to go get the car if you have one, and get him home ASAP. If you don’t have a car, have at least one person walk home with him, as long as that doesn’t mean another stays there alone. Use the buddy system.

The Bailer. Your friend had a bad time and wants to leave your group there and head home early, even though everyone else is having a great time. To make him stay there will only piss him off more, and I guarantee his mood will only get worse. Yes, it sucks, but you should not let him go home alone.

The Un-Bailer. Your friend is having such a great time that he doesn’t want to leave with you, or ever worse, wants to go to a different, “more exclusive party” with a new friend. Just like in the last cases, use the buddy system. Leaving him alone can end up very bad for him. If this new party of his, or the current one he wants to stay at, ends up being something he didn’t expect, he may need some buddy power to get home safely.

The Cops. You and your friends are dancing the night away, when suddenly, you hear a loud knock on the door. It’s the police and they aren’t too happy that you guys are making such a big ruckus. Most likely, a neighbour has called in a noise complaint. It isn’t too serious, but the police do want to keep the noise level down, especially after midnight. They will usually ask to speak to a owner of the house, a fratboy will do as well. The police will either ask them to turn it down, or to end the party. Both will mean that some people get shuffled out the door anyway, fewer bodies means less noise. Though this doesn’t mean the end of a party, it is a good opportunity to leave in a safe manner with your whole gang. Rarely have I ever seen police griefing people about underage drinking, just walk by casually and they know that you’re in control of your actions. What they will be looking for is anybody who needs medical help from drinking too much, or somebody stupid enough to carry around an open bottle of alcohol (illegal in most cities in the US).

1) Make sure the champagne is cold

Most people realize that champagne should be served cold.  But, what is the best way to chill your bottle of bubbly?  We suggest placing the bottle in the refrigerator for at least three hours or for at least a half hour in a 50/50 ice-water bath, fully submerged.  Never place your champagne in the freezer, as it could explode haphazardly.

2) Remove the wire cage

First, use a towel to dry the bottle off, so it will not slip from your grasp.  Next, undo the foil around the top of the bottle.  Once the foil is gone, slowly untwist and remove the wire cage secured around the cork.  Make sure you have a firm grasp on the bottle with your other hand while you remove the cage.

3) Pop the cork – carefully

What not to do.

Now, the most important part.  If you do this step properly, it will NOT look like a super bowl locker room celebration or NASCAR post-race jubilation.  First, drape a kitchen towel around the top of the champagne bottle.  Hold the bottle firmly at a forty-five degree angle.  With a tight grip on the cork, slowly rotate the bottle – not the cork.  Gradually, the cork will come free.  Resist the urge to just pull it out with a loud pop; this often causes spillage and decarbonates a good deal of the champagne.  Instead, the cork should come free with a softer pop and a small escape of gas.

4) Pour and Enjoy

Serve champagne in champagne flutes preferably.  First, fill each glass roughly one-third of the way.  Once this is accomplished and the foam has receded, continue to fill each flute roughly two-thirds of the way full.  We won’t tell you how to enjoy your champagne.  But, please hold your flutes by the stem as not to unnecessarily warm the bubbly.

We hope these instructions will make your New Year’s Eve that much more enjoyable.  Now party, uncork, drink and be merry.  Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve from all of us at Wellcultured.

There is a protocol that should be mastered when going to an establishment that serves alcohol. This includes 5 steps:

1. Find an establishment that would be suitable for your needs
2. Get into the bar
3. Determine your drink of choice for that situation
4. ???
5. Profit!

First and foremost, it’s important to establish where you want to go before you head out on the town. If you’re lucky enough to be in good female company before you go, I’d suggest avoiding places named, “Dirty Mark’s Electric Pub” or any place similar. In addition, if you live in a big city as I do, don’t ever go anywhere that Girls Gone Wild producers might be filming. Those places are trashy, dirty, and unbecoming of a well cultured individual.

I suggest doing a bit of research about the bars and clubs in your town. Ask your friends that may have gone, check the internet for reviews and opinions of the bar.

Great! Now that you’ve decided what place to go to, you have to get it. Depending on the establishment there may be selective entry. They don’t let losers into certain places just to keep the riff raff out, and the classy crowd in. So, you must dress the part. For a male, the best idea is not to wear jeans. Black slacks are excellent if you’re going to a decent place, and complimented with a Calvin Klein or other good brand dress shirt. A tie maybe over doing it a bit, unless this is a really classy party you’re going to but if you think you’re going to need a tie, you might as well go for a suit jacket as well.

PROTIP: If you arrive with an assortment of women with you, there’s less of a chance that you’re going to be denied entry. It doesn’t even matter if they’re your cousins or sisters. The only thing better than 4 women coming in with you, is 5 women.

Depending on how upscale the bar is should really determine your drinks. I won’t address bottle service at this point, but I will highlight some great drinks starting from the most sophisticated, to the more uncouth.

The character of James Bond is legendary for ordering martinis. Because of this, many guys just think they can go into a bar and get one to look cool. WRONG. If you ask the bartender, “Can I have a martini?” You’re going to look like a retard. There are a few questions that you have to ask yourself before ordering one.

1. Gin or Vodka?
2. What brand of alcohol? (Stick with Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray / Grey Goose or Belvedere)
3. How dry? (Pretty much asking how much dry vermouth to put in it. Very dry has little to none, regular dry has a bit, etc)
4. In and out? (In and out is when they take the vermouth, pour it into a glass, swish it around, and then pour it out, leaving just a light coating)
5. Olive or twist? (Olives. 3 of them. Always.)
6. Do you want it dirty? (Olive juice or no?)

So this is your ideal order: “Dirty goose martini, very dry, 3 olives”

Scotch is also a drink for the cultured anon to consider. You just have to know what you’re getting into. For a blended scotch, you will find consistency. For single malt, you’ll find an adventure. It’s acceptable to water down scotch a bit, just take a sip, and add some water, repeat until it tastes good.

Beer is acceptable only if it’s a more casual place, chances are, if you’re here, you’re not wearing a suit. I highly recommend a few particular beers:

1. Any form of Sam Adams, but stick with the season
2. Guinness: very bitter thick beer, not for newbies
3. Heineken
4. Corona: Don’t put a lime wedge in it. It’s against man law.

What not to drink:

Cosmopolitans, Jager bombs, Alabama slammers, anything from a blender, etc, etc.

FINAL PROTIP: Don’t forget to tip your bartender! He will remember you if you don’t, which is something you don’t want.

Know what you want and make it clear beforehand.

This is the number one thing about parties: Know what you want to do and prepare for it. Want to do an 80s party? Then prepare for everything in advance. Try to sit down and get a general idea of who you want to show up, how many people (in general), how much you can spend, and the like. This sounds excessively formal for something fairly simple, but the reason you want to do this is to ensure that you don’t go overboard in any respect. If you live in a house that can only happily accommodate 20 people, then don’t invite 30. If you overcrowd/underfeed/underprepare in any fashion, people will be uncomfortable.

Naturally, this depends on your age and status level. If you’re a teenager, more than likely you’ll be able to get away with cramming a basement. Those around the 20+ range tend to get sick of that and want a little bit more personal space. Once you hit about 21 or so, that childish thrill of “hur hur gotta get together with my buds and drink some beer holy crap we’re hardcore” dies away fairly quickly.

Watch alcohol/noise laws, and make sure you don’t violate them.

Touching on the youth thing noted above, you aren’t 16, your parties do not need to end when the police arrive, so don’t piss ‘em off. Most cops won’t get angry or show up unless someone specifically calls them, so make sure that you don’t piss off neighbors/flatmates too much. For example, if you want to blast music, try to doing it relatively earlier (6p-9p) and then quieting it down when the initial energy dies down- that way, you won’t be pissing off too many neighbors too much. Depending on where you live, you could even tip them off and ask permission- but in general, try not to be a dick in this respect.

So far as Alcohol goes, watch your rear. Here in the great state of North Carolina, you will be essentially martyred if you give underage kids alcohol (or otherwise have them drunk on their own accord or some similar situation), so avoid it it all costs. If a buddy gets wasted at your party, keep him at your place and let him sleep it off- it will be infinitely better than sending him off to an inevitable DUI/DWI. If your group may have underage kids in it, have someone (your unofficial “bartender”) keeping tabs on the alcohol at all times, and try to avoid purchasing kegs or other forms of alcohol that are relatively easy to “steal a sip” from. As gay as this sounds, it’s much better than being hit with a fine or being arrested.

Keep it in your age group/maturity level as much as possible.

Like I mentioned above, know your age group and maturity level, even beyond the alcohol issue. People in their later 20s will typically enjoy alcohol and messing around, but also are going to not want the traditional “cram people in and blast music” junk that teenagers like. Even more so, 30somethings tend to be even more relaxed- to the point where some just enjoy quiet music and wine. You should know your friends and your target audience, and use this to determine your party in general.

For example? If you have some 20somethings, there’s nothing wrong with having video games out- it lightens people up, and it’s an age group old enough that isn’t going to take it too seriously. In general, no matter the age group, you should never presume that people are going to want to show up for the sake of booze and talk- so always have something on-hand. Depending on the group, this means you could do anything from costumes to Twister.

As much as I promote these ideas, don’t ever plan obsessively too much for the “activities” or it will feel like a 6 year old’s birthday party. Have stuff available, and go with the flow, never schedule.

A little bit of good alcohol is always better than lots of bad alcohol, if any at all.

This should have been the title for this article. I don’t care how many kegs you can afford- a little bit of good beer is going to go a hell of a lot better than a whole lot of junk. You are (probably) not 16 years old, you do not need to get excited over alcoholic sludge. As referenced in a current topic on the forums, don’t try to throw a Corona party with Pabst. Don’t buy cheap Margarita mix and expect everyone to think you’re  cultured. Try to buy as best you can for your budget- in general, if it’s a small group, feel free to get good stuff, they will love you.

Oh, and a quick note- if you throw a classy party, boxed wine is not classy. Boxed Wine is like walking into a formal ball with a tuxedo t-shirt on. Actual bottles of wine are cheap now, do not skimp, ever.

Secure your stuff.

This is an easy one: if you have people coming you don’t know/trust, secure your stuff, lock away your valuables, and most importantly, try to keep your bedroom door locked. Nothing is more disgusting than having people doing things in your bed without your knowledge- and trust me, some idiot partygoers will do this at first opportunity. Sure, make couches and the like available, but I would sincerely recommend against providing available rooms. Your choice.

Know your guests.

This is exactly what I’ve said above, but I’ll reiterate: know your people. If you can, try to know everyone at the party in some fashion, even if it’s just as “____’s friend”. For one thing, it will allow you to be sociable- but more importantly, you’ll be able to know people if something goes wrong, or just to ensure people are happy. If a really introverted friend decides to come, you’ll know to make an effort to let them enjoy themselves- and if a really extroverted pervert shows up, you’ll know to keep an eye on them. As silly as it sounds to consider yourself a “host”, some of the best parties are where the “host” knows how to get rid of problems quickly and let people enjoy themselves.

Have something to do (PLEASE).

Talk and booze do not equate to a good party. Even if you make it a “theme party” like a 70s party or some random crap (you could always go geeky and call it a “video game party”), have something available. Like I said above, overplanning feels childish, but don’t underplan: have something to do and everyone will be entertained. For smaller groups, consider watching a movie or playing a stupid game like Twister- for bigger groups, you’re very limited, but can always do preplanned stuff (for example, a contest of some sort, or the like- though typically, for bigger groups, you have to have readied this ahead of time).

It’s hard to tell you what to do, but you know your friends best. Some of the best parties I’ve ever had were 100% alcohol free lan parties, as gay as that sounds- geek is getting more chic nowadays, and most guys (even those of us who consider our lives/work SERIOUS BUSINESS) enjoy screwing around on oldschool video games now and again.

Know when to end (if ever)

This is sometimes the number one rule: know when to end. Too many parties go on until they naturally die out, which absolutely blows. One of the best things you can do is set a natural time limit (say, three hours) and keep it within that range- and maybe whittle it down to a group of friends after that to just hang out. By all means, you don’t want to end it prematurely, but it’s a hell of a lot better than wearing your guests out and watching them get bored. From a mental perspective, they’ll unfortunately consider your party a bore (as people typically only remember the last hour of a party, unless they get wasted)- which absolutely blows.

On that same note, if you’re worried about guys who attempt to hit on girls, don’t- typically, time limits allow opportunities for your aspiring partygoers to invite the girls elsewhere.

Well, there you have it. Feel free to comment with more ideas, or post on the forums if you have any other questions, comments, or concerns.